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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When your DH/DP doesn't defend you

144 replies

Sofia19 · 15/05/2018 08:26

Just had a big row with MIL yesterday again and DH didn't defend me, just stood there and watched. Then made excuses for his mum later.

Is there a time when you really needed his support and he didn't defend you? Please share.. so upset right now

OP posts:

Lweji · 15/05/2018 09:19

What does he think about her giving him coffee? Did you agree on it and on a joint strategy should his mother insist on giving your ds coffee?

Dvg · 15/05/2018 09:20

@bertrandRussell , Read the lastest Post, yes it can happen Because just a sip can make a heart stop beating for a pulse or change blood pressure, i've had a few sips of coffee before that made me feel like i had taken a shot of Speed... my heart started pulsating and i felt sick, i'm in my 20s.... imagine what it could do to a toddler.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/05/2018 09:20

When you say that you "lost it" it sounds as if you started shouting first which makes me understand why your DH didn't defend you. Why should he defend the attacker. As far as the coffee is concerned, it is irritating and would put me off letting her look after your DC in the future. There is no point shouting though as all it will do is make her more secretive about doing things you don't like.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/05/2018 09:23

parents said she would take an occasional sip and she died ALSO from a Cardiac arrhythmia, its not actually that rare.. people just wouldn't ave thought it.

I don't think for a minute that she just had the "occasional sip". She probably had a lot of coffee. People used to give children tea in a bottle all the time with no ill effect.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2018 09:26

So you don’t “know” the 3 year old concerned. The doctors don’t know why she died, although they suspect “excessive” coffee consumption may possibly have contributed but you’re on this thread scaremongering to parents who may have let their child have a sip of cappuccino froth. Way to go, there.

Dvg · 15/05/2018 09:26

@dungeondragon15 and that would be a fair comment to say as i would have thought so too, but the first girl i was talking about.. i knew her, she was an amazing little girl and she wasnt given coffee as a cup, just a few sips or if out her mum would let her have a sip of coke not often just a bit. It was enough just like how some people can die on 1 use of a drug whilst others can be addicts for years before getting any signs of extreme usage /dying

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2018 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dvg · 15/05/2018 09:28

But its not just having a sip of froth, if it was just the once i wouldnt say id have minded either but it sounds like the MIL has done this multiple times as she has said she kept telling her not to. PLUS big difference in the froth and a sip of the coffee

Dvg · 15/05/2018 09:29

anyway i'm out, All id say OP is i understand why you would be wanting MIL to accept your terms as you are the mother although i never agree with shouting.

PlatypusPie · 15/05/2018 09:29

And presumably there is a two year old standing there, watching two people who mean a lot to him ( the OP and his GM) shouting at each other

User777 · 15/05/2018 09:31

Your MIL is vile. Don’t send your DCs to her house in the future. Your “D”H is even worse defending her and not his own wife! Makes me physically sick. I would’ve kicked him to the curb if I were you op.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/05/2018 09:32

i knew her, she was an amazing little girl and she wasnt given coffee as a cup, just a few sips or if out her mum would let her have a sip of coke not often just a bit.

Whether or not you knew her, I still don't believe that she had the "occasional sip". We all know that coffee can cause cardiac arrhythmias if you drink excessive amounts and toddlers are going to be a lot more sensitive.

It was enough just like how some people can die on 1 use of a drug whilst others can be addicts for years before getting any signs of extreme usage /dying

If they die because it is because they have had an excessive amount in a short space of time. It is not necessarily cumulative as we metabolise drugs.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/05/2018 09:33

And presumably there is a two year old standing there, watching two people who mean a lot to him ( the OP and his GM) shouting at each other

Exactly. That is probably more damaging than a sip of coffee.

CaledonianQueen · 15/05/2018 09:35

I would be asking my DH to support me in my parenting decisions. The last thing a toddler needs is blo**y coffee! Caffeine in toddlers is a crazy mix!

I would consider apologising for losing it, explain that you are very frustrated that she refuses to listen to you, you have asked her repeatedly not to allow your lo to drink coffee, yet she continues to ignore your wishes! I would say that if you cant trust her to respect your parenting wishes when you are right there, then there is absolutely no way you would be prepared to leave your lo in her care.

You are the Mother here and you deserve to be treated with respect. She had her time being Mummy to her own children, this is your time now. Whilst she may have happily allowed her own babies to drink coffee, you are not and you have very good reasons for that! Whats next, wine or vodka? Tell her that you don't need to take abuse or name calling! If you are both going to get along then she owes you an apology just as you owed her an apology.

I would also let your DH know that as your DH, he should fully support your parenting decisions! He should make it very clear that giving your toddler coffee is absolutely NOT acceptable! If he doesn't agree with you, he should wait until you are alone to discuss it, although I would think it pretty self-explanatory that giving coffee to a toddler is not a good parenting move!

How is your relationship with your MIL outside of this outburst? Do you ordinarily get on? Is your relationship with your in-laws toxic? If it is then I thoroughly recommend the book Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward.

JessicaJonesJacket · 15/05/2018 09:36

You started shouting first. You haven't mentioned whether your DH agrees that your DC shouldn't be allowed one sip of coffee. Then there's the added stress for the DC of seeing all the adults shouting at each other if DH had intervened. I don't think you need defending. I think you need perspective.

Juells · 15/05/2018 09:37

I can understand why the OP lost it.

You ask politely. You ask politely again, and you are ignored. This on top of similar things that have been going on for months, and you eventually blow your top and shout. Then MiL starts wailing and DH and FiL run around making calming cups of tea and trying to comfort her for having such a bitch of a DiL, and she gives you 'the eye' that lets you know your place in the pecking order. Very short-sighted of the MiL, mine got evicted from the house as a result of pulling a stroke like that.

FASH84 · 15/05/2018 09:38

OP. If you have said before you don't want DC to have any coffee not even a sip she is being unreasonable, but the moment you 'lost it' you lost the argument. Your DH should've backed you in this situation, but if he's non confrontational and you and MIL were screaming at each other he might have been equally embarrassed by you both. This is clearly about more than a sip of coffee, aggression in front of DCs is a big no no , and you and DH need to be on the same page. He might think it's alright to have a sip ( other posters here seem to) and I'm not sure your rules trump his, especially when you react like that. MIL sounds like a provoker but you've shot yourself in the foot with your reaction if you expect unwavering support.

ThereIsAlwaysDrama · 15/05/2018 09:39

The issue isn't about the coffee, that is irrelevant. The issue is the MIL disregarding DIL's wishes. Repeatedly. That's bang out of order.

Your DH needs to grow a spine and tell his mother to back off. It's not about 'needing' a man to defend you. He should not be happy about his mother calling his wife names. If anyone said anything like that to my DP, I'd certainly have something to say about it. Whether I agree with him or not. You don't make call people names because you can't have your own way.

VivaKondo · 15/05/2018 09:40

I would expect toddler who had a sip of coffee to be bouncing around until 3.00am unable to sleep (see anotherr thread recently in here where the dad gave some coffee grind to a toddler to play with and how said toddler didn’t sleep....).

But the bottom line is that it has happened before. The OP said she isn’t happy for their dc to have sip of coffeee. If her DH didn’t agree with that, he should have said so so they could get to a compromise. Not saying anything means tacit agreement . And therefore it sounds logical the op would expect his support.

I also suspect that this incident was the last of a long line of incidents where the OP felt she isn’t listened to by her MIL, one where her DH has has never supported her. (Hence she lost it)

Sofia bottom line is. Whether it’s ok for a 2yo to have a sip of coffee or not isn’t the issue.
The issue is one of RESPECT. You clearly didn’t feel your DH show any respect for you and your choices by supporting his mum.
Is it something that happens often?
Has there been many occasions where he agreed with you on xxx when you are together to just backtrack when he is with his mum because she doesn’t agree?
Do you often feel he doesn’t have your back, in general, not just with his mum?

Depending on how wide the issue is, you ight be able to solve it or not.
Assuming a one off, I would talk to him and be very assertive about how the situation made you feel how you feel unsupported. Review together how you could handle the situation together in a different way next time (because it will happen again if she has done it before).

User777 · 15/05/2018 09:42

*Dungeondragon15

And presumably there is a two year old standing there, watching two people who mean a lot to him ( the OP and his GM) shouting at each other

Exactly. That is probably more damaging than a sip of coffee.*

So an argument is worse than the MIL practically poisoning the child sip by sip. Did you even bother to read the article. You must’ve had a very sheltered childhood if you think a child seeing two adults arguing is ‘damaging’.

This isn’t about the OP this is about her DH failing to support his wife and MIL giving a 3 y/o coffee. The OP has done nothing wrong in this situation yet is being attacked

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2018 09:42

“He should not be happy about his mother calling his wife names”

Absolutely not. He should also not be happy about his wife calling his mother names. Or his mother and his wife having a slanging natch in front of a 2 year old. The whole thing sounds grim.

MargaretCavendish · 15/05/2018 09:42

I also suspect that this incident was the last of a long line of incidents where the OP felt she isn’t listened to by her MIL, one where her DH has has never supported her. (Hence she lost it)

Well, that's possible. It's also possible that it's one of long line of incidents in which the OP has 'lost it' over small things to the horror of her DP. We just don't know. If DH started shouting at my dad over what I considered to be a trivial matter then I wouldn't be leaping to unconditionally defend him.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2018 09:43

“So an argument is worse than the MIL practically poisoning the child sip by sip.”

No. But an argument is much worse than a child having a sip of coffee.

User777 · 15/05/2018 09:44

Defending your wife isn’t ‘confrontational’ it’s called being a husband.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2018 09:45

I don’t want my do to defend me if i’m being a prat.

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