When your DH/DP doesn't defend you

[Sofia19]

Just had a big row with MIL yesterday again and DH didn't defend me, just stood there and watched. Then made excuses for his mum later.

Is there a time when you really needed his support and he didn't defend you? Please share.. so upset right now

I just wouldn't let them look after my children.

She wasn't looking after the OP's children. They were visiting her - you know the way people do with family.

Do people really think it is better to go no contact rather than just tell the woman to for god's sake stop giving a toddler hot coffee. This wasn't the first time this happened. OP has tried asking/explaining.

Please read my previous posts dungeondragon, cuz clearly you're missing the point. She has NEVER and wasn't looking after my DCs ffs.

She came to our house, I made a cup of coffee, ds2 came over to her and she let him sip on the coffee, that was that. She wasn't looking after him.

Honest people, listen to the OP. It’s not about the coffee. It’s not about the minutae of the row itself, it’s not about the disrespect.
ITS BECAUSE HER HUSBAND TOOK MIL SIDE IN A ROW THAT WAS FUNDAMENTALLY IMPORTANT TO HER.
Op, I know as I said in earlier post how betrayed this can make you feel. The row itself can be easily enough fixed.
The conversation you need to have with your DH needs to start, “ I never really feel you are on my side”.
As I said before my DH is very similar. He hates rows. The best outcome I’ve managed over the years is his calm de- briefing after I’ve fired up over something. Sometimes he totally supports me, others he will disagree. Don’t expect men like this to row in public. They just don’t.

My exDP ALWAYS sided with his mother. Every single fucking time

Of course sometimes she was right. But believe me she wasn't always right

Also believe me - the sheer BLISS of never ever ever having to see or hear from either of them again ....is palpable

You haven't answered, OP, if he agrees with you on this one. If he's not on board with your request for her not to do something (give DS coffee in this instance), he won't see it as something to support you on.

Sofia19 I have read your post and I I realise that she wasn't looking after him on this occasion but from what you have said she does sometimes look after your children so I would stop that. If you are always with your children when she is there and you know what she will do you can stop here giving coffee etc before it happens. If you fall out with her after losing it your DH will probably take your children around when you aren't there and you won't be able to prevent her doing anything you don't like.

whattodoabout

In other circumstances I would agree but when it your in laws it really your place to stand up for your partner if your parents are unpleasant.

The son or daughter needs to taken that stand.. Draw that line... Defend.

And your DH did what when she let your child drink coffee? Does he think it's fine to let a child drink coffee? You haven't answered.

Yanbu about the coffee. This wasn't just a first time occurrence that you could let slide. You told her not to it and she kept on doing it. Hence you losing your patience with her.
Your dh probably didn't want to get in the middle of you both when you were arguing. It's what he did afterwards ie grovelling to her making sure she was ok, being apologetic etc... that makes him unreasonable. He didn't even need to do that... you didn't punch her or throw the coffee cup at her. You just sternly and rightly told her to stop giving your child coffee. Does she really need comforting about that?

Nursery children in Brazil routinely drink milky coffee as a complete drink and they're not all exploding to be fair. The caffeine hysteria here is intense.

Have you ever considered just... not insisting that everyone does as you say and then yowling and puking and throwing furniture when your wishes are not immediately indulged? Your MIL is not injecting your DC with heroin or encouraging them to play dodge-the-speeding-truck. She doesn't agree with you. Nor does your H. Get over yourself.

reanimated have you ever considered ... taking a course in simple english comprehension. You'd be amazed the difference it would make to your life.

Why do dil's need their partners to speak on their behalf? I've been married for 31 years and if I have something to say to his mother I say it myself.

In this case I would be saying "I'm sorry but you are not seeing the children again until you can agree to accept my wishes". End of.

Although I have to say it would be reserved for more serious problems than a bit of coffee or fizz.

Why do dil's need their partners to speak on their behalf? I've been married for 31 years and if I have something to say to his mother I say it myself.

The OP did just that - said it to his mother herself. Then the mother got angry and called her a cow etc. And the dh comforted his mother and told his wife she was wrong.

How would you feel about that nokids which was the actual OP?

I wouldn't be angry about dh comforting his mother if that's what you are asking me? If I lost it and shouted at her I would be too angry at myself for losing my temper to care tbh. And if I hadn't lost it then it wouldn't have escalated into a screaming match.

And when I asked why do dil need their dh speaking to his mum on her behalf I was thinking more about all the posters who say "get your dh to have a word with her".

ok nokids thought you were addressing the OP.

With regards to:

If I lost it and shouted at her I would be too angry at myself for losing my temper to care tbh. And if I hadn't lost it then it wouldn't have escalated into a screaming match.

Well I suppose those are your boundaries. They wouldn't be mine. The OP has a MIL who has given ice cream to an infant not yet weaned and who has repeatedly given food to her child when asked not to do so. The OP came into the room to see her MIL giving hot coffee to her toddler - and not for the first time. She shouted at her and the MIl shouted back, and called her a cow and other names. If you think you should be angry at yourself in those circumstances, of course that is your decision. I wouldn't and I can see why the OP wouldn't. I set my boundaries higher.

She shouted at her and the MIl shouted back, and called her a cow and other names. If you think you should be angry at yourself in those circumstances, of course that is your decision. I wouldn't and I can see why the OP wouldn't. I set my boundaries higher.

I would be angry with myself because "losing it" and having a screaming match achieves absolutely nothing and will probably be counterproductive. It seems the DH may not agree that a sip of coffee is poison and if OP has now fallen out with her MIL, she may not be present in future when her MIL is there so her MIL will be able to give coffee and ice cream to her hearts content.

I can’t believe what a hard time OP is getting on here and hope she has managed to have a rational conversation with her DP so they are both on the same page.

The MIL is behaving incredibly disrespectfully to the OP whatever the rights and wrongs of ‘spoiling’ the DGCs. I am from a large blended family of several different cultures and I have never sworn at or called any of my family a cow, nor has anyone behaved like that to me. I just don’t think it is either normal or acceptable behaviour in any culture. And we have definitely had our arguments just like any other family.

If I was the OP, I would make sure that my DC were never left alone with MIL and any attempts at unsuitable treats were headed off. The OP’s DH can make the coffee or MIL can make her own.

We had a special game for the DCs to play with my MIL because she was disabled and couldn’t run round with them. We never played it unless she was there to make it special and it worked. It wasn’t done to avoid treating but it might make MIL feel that she has her thing and less likely to try to treat.