To think he should pay on first date???

[namechangerforthis123]

Had a 'frank' discussion with a girlfriend at the w/e who was outraged that I thought a first date should pay for dinner.

I am v independent, decent career, probably generally feminist views on the whole.
He made it v clear he liked me.

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each! 

It just was a passion killer; can't explain why!!

Would be interested to hear the MN view on this. Get your flame throwers ready! 

Why offer to pay if you're going to ditch him if he accepts?

Talk about unpleasant game playing...

It's not game playing, it's just finding someone with similar values and mentality, as we all do eventually (hopefully)!

I think he should pay. He asked you out.
I am a bit old fashioned , I suppose.

I went dutch with my dp on our first date and all subsequent dates. He's not a tight arse. Never has been. He's a guy with a lot of financial obligations ( 3 dc he pays maintenance for) and not a lot of money to spare. I would have felt uncomfortable expecting him to pay. I'm glad I didn't write him off as a tight arse as he's the kindest man ever and we have a good relationship

that devalues his view of his own worth as a provider....

The 1950's called and want their attitude back! Provide for yourself FFS how useless at life can you be if you need a man, who you don't even KNOW yet, to provide for you.

I'd offer to pay half and be happy to do so but if he insisted Well, I'd accept graciously. If he started complaining about the cost or itemising to the nth degree, I'd just pay and probably not see him again.

I would not expect a man to pay just because he is a man. I would however think he would pay it he's invited me out. I would split it 50/50 though and not think too much about it. Would not think well of him literally totting up what we each need to pay though!

I don't get the people equating offering to pay with a man's generosity or lack of. It's not generosity if it's expected is it?

A £ says that everyone who's saying that the man should pay will also complain when they take the equally old-fashioned view about a woman doing the housework! Either you want equality or you don't.

Decided to simplify this after the Purse War of 2015...

Have dinner with me tonight? Asker pays...
Will we meet up for dinner? Split it...

If I ask, I pay... if you ask you pay... if we 'meet up' we split it...

Man, Woman, Gender Neutral... all applies... and have very rarely had that not work out.

Date asked OP, Date pays...

Personally I hate feeling obliged to people, and subtle though it may be thisnisnand old fashioned ‘man paying for woman’s time thing’. There are a lot of blokes out there who think that if they pay for a drink or food you ‘owe’ them something.

So literally down to semantics then? If Man uses wrong words then Man must pay. What a weird idea

Ticketsfrom - and apparently a lot of Women who think that if you eat or drink with them then the man owes you the price of that food/drink. Neither is acceptable.

Wonder how this works with Lesbian dating? The only time I noticed it on 'First Dates' the Woman who had previously said that she liked 'girly girls' grabbed the bill as soon as it came and said something like 'I never allow a date to pay'. Came across as really domineering, if I'd been her date I would have hated it.

OMG I would hate to be dating.
Too many things are red flags. So many different viewpoints.
For OP, she felt the calculating was a passion killer for her. I agree with her. Her friend did not agree with her.
If some one made me feel I "owed" them that would be a red flag.

It would not even get to the stage of who does what in the house! @Nikephorus

Yes exactly @Ruffian - it's totally down to using code words and absolutely nothing at all to do with the perceived spirit of the invitation

I make everyone talk to me in specific phrases exactly like the examples.

Also apparently the bit were I particularly said it applied irrespective of gender wasn't clear...

Oh it's clear enough indirectlydirect, it's just cobblers. How do you expect someone to divine the 'perceived spirit' between 'Have dinner with me' and 'Will we meet up for dinner?' Especially in a dating situation where they don't know you well so might mistake the 'perceived spirit'.

Of course it's game playing Pa 1 oma

However perhaps when you mention similar values and mentality you mean someone who understands the game playing and proves by dodging the trap that they are equally devious.

I lovesooty - if you are saying I am /was a trap for my husband or vice versa, I think that's a bit extreme! He wouldn't have had things any other way. Paying on dates is normal for most men. Only on MN is it viewed as controlling.

Genuinely stunned by some of these responses. It’s 2018 FFS!

Quickerthanavicar Tue 15-May-18 07:47:58

"Are you planning to invite him in for cough coffee? cough.
If not the money you save on waxing should cover your half. "

If its summertime and i went on a date i would likely wear a skirt cough cough When you wear a skirt your legs are on show cough cough. Am i really expected to wear tights in the heat and sweat to please other fuckers then cough cough.

Interesting that you mentioned Emmeline Pankhurst whose legs were completely covered due to the time she lived in cough cough. and who apparently was a crashing snob towards working class women COUGH COUGH!!!

Quicker i would have no problem with me forgoing a wax to pay half But i reckon the man would want it all ways. How many men who split the cost of dates go on to split childcare later on?

Sitting calculating with a fine tooth comb would put me off too but asking to split down the middle is fine.

I’ve never been asked to pay on a first date despite always offering. I think the male ego is generally wrapped up in it so I let them have it because it’s free food/drinks so why the hell not?!

General split down the middle. If he took the piss (or you took the piss) in what was ordered, no second date.

I'd tell my son to not bother with a second date with a woman that didn't offer to pay her way.

Nothing worse than a selfish partner who believes that it's still the men that pay. A sure sign of how the relationship will pan out.

Just because a guy is happy to split the costs of a date is no indicator that he believes in equality.

My ex was like this. But he would also only allow me 3 mins in the shower and time me while i was in there..........moaned when i quickly washed an apple under the tap before eating it. Told me to take an Imodium because he was too tight to buy bog roll ( i wasnt living there just staying the weekend) i remember having to buy food some of which went into the fridge then he would just let the electric run out and food would be ruined.

Went to his brothers birthday but he didnt want to buy a present even though i offered to GO HALVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The minute we got there i was "put to work" in the kitchen with the other wives/girlfriends while the blokes drank beer in the garden. And he insisted he believed in equality throughout this whole farce.

He also thought the costs of living together should be spilt 50/50 but also included when the woman was earning less..........i found out he did this to his ex wife and even if i hadnt found this out there were enough red flags to work out where it was going.

I ended it with this "slight feminist" this bloke who insisted on 50/50 because he believed in equality.

And he wont be the only one out there that just cherry picks the bits of feminism that suit his wallet!!!!!!!!!