Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should pay on first date???

845 replies

namechangerforthis123 · 14/05/2018 23:31

Had a 'frank' discussion with a girlfriend at the w/e who was outraged that I thought a first date should pay for dinner.

I am v independent, decent career, probably generally feminist views on the whole.
He made it v clear he liked me.

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each! 

It just was a passion killer; can't explain why!!

Would be interested to hear the MN view on this. Get your flame throwers ready! 

OP posts:
Pa1oma · 15/05/2018 10:00

Ruffian - those things you mention, character, how you treat staff etc are part of being a gentleman yes, but so is expecting to pay on a date! There is a certain dynamic to heterosexual dating and who wants to be with a man who treats you as he would one of his mates?

I agree with IWannaSee. Yes men and women may be on generally comparable salaries in their 20s when they are dating, but women are still, as the childbearing sex, invariably going to be the ones whose salaries are impacted by the reality of having children, especially if you have several babies or more. By the time you are in your 40s, the pay gap widens as a result. This pattern has been evidenced in just about every couple I know, except for one or two.

Contrabassista · 15/05/2018 10:12

Wow. I am genuinely amazed at the majority of responses that boil down to:
“The man should pay because he is a man. If you offer to pay your way and he accepts, he won’t be getting another date. If he does pay and expects a snog, blow job, even second date, he’s full of toxic masculinity and a misogynist.”
Seriously, haven’t we evolved? Would you want to be with someone who had judged your first meeting on the size of your wallet? And some of you actually still call yourselves feminists. Utterly mind blowing.

Ruffian · 15/05/2018 10:36

Pa1oma I just don't understand your points. Treating a woman as one of his mates? Just because he isn't paying her share? I don't get it? Confused Surely there's so much more than that?

And what about my example of the gay male couples on 'first dates' (i'm assuming that's representative of gay dates generally which could be wrong of course)? They aren't 'mates' but seem to have no problem with the concept of sharing, which is really the crux of it. You are sharing, as equals, so you're starting off the relationship, if it develops, on an assumption of equality.

To me this seemingly small issue represents an important nub of inequality and the confusion a lot of women still seem to have about what genuine equality means.

pigmcpigface · 15/05/2018 10:58

Paloma - it doesn't follow that a guy who doesn't pay for a first date will be stingy with money! I always went 50/50 with DH on dates because he wanted to date a woman who was his equal, and I wouldn't have been content with anything less than a guy who was a feminist. When we got married, we got a joint bank account and we share finances. He is the higher earner by far, since I've had periods off work with illness.

CoalTit · 15/05/2018 11:01

I was pretty shocked by some of the attitudes on here, but kids are expensive, so if you want a father for your future children I suppose it makes sense to want a man to show he has money to spare.
All the dissembling and disingenuous comments about grace and not wearing the pants are pretty repugnant, though.

mummmy2017 · 15/05/2018 11:13

I have asked a male out.. said I wanted to take him to dinner...
I took the bill when it came and paid it all. Refused offer of half as I was the one who invited him....
I have also done it the other way round...
If your so into everything being equal on what is a first date and have always been this way how would you know what your missing out on.... if your so determined to be this way , why do you then complain when 1 child into the marriage he still things you should pay half of all the bill's from your savings... and that his money is his too spend..... Not yours as a family.....

EvaGraceMummy2015 · 15/05/2018 11:17

Yep guy should offer to pay for the first date. You can get the drinks at the pub after or something?
It shows what a tight arse he is.

This👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼
I'm only speaking from my own experiences but I will always remember the father of my daughter having to split everything right down to the last penny through our whole relationship (and the first date) don't get me wrong I was independent and was more than willing to pay my half, but it turned out 2 years down the line after my daughter was born I realised just how selfish he was in every aspect of life and I left him!

My current partner paid for the first date, took me out for my birthday, treat me in ways I didn't expect (he's not exactly loaded) and he is the most self-less person I have ever met! He will do anything he can to make sure me and my daughter are happy and would never see any of us go without.. so it sort of did show me in a way what type of person he was right from that first date!

Like I said, that's my own personal experiences but I do think there's some relevance to itSmile

Quickerthanavicar · 15/05/2018 11:27

So men being paid more is to cover such dating rules and we should celebrate a company which does this?

mummmy2017 · 15/05/2018 11:37

It's one blooming date... Not your life....
If he goes on that many dates he can't afford it...run for the hills..
Otherwise GRACE is a real thing. It's the art of accepting something freely give without embarassment, it does not make you any less a person.....
If it does in your own head then it's your problem.....

ThinkingQueSeraSera · 15/05/2018 11:38

Always expect him to pay first time. Shows what sort of person he is. Il always offer or split afterwards and get a few drinks in after dinner.

Furano · 15/05/2018 11:45

es men and women may be on generally comparable salaries in their 20s when they are dating, but women are still, as the childbearing sex, invariably going to be the ones whose salaries are impacted by the reality of having children, especially if you have several babies or more. By the time you are in your 40s, the pay gap widens as a result. This pattern has been evidenced in just about every couple I know, except for one or two.

So?

It isn't the new dates job to subsidize you for having had children earlier in your life!!!!!!!!!!

Gizzymum · 15/05/2018 11:46

I'm kind of a bit old fashioned in that he should offer to pay as he asked you out, but a feminist in that I'd insist on paying half.

MorganKitten · 15/05/2018 11:47

I'd expect to split the bill, but if he offers to pay I'd do the tip.

mummmy2017 · 15/05/2018 11:54

What else do you think a first day is for other than for the person who asks you out to do? It's him or her showing you in a more private one on one setting their values.... asking out of the blue for your share of the bill.... that devalues his view of his own worth as a provider....

mavismcruet · 15/05/2018 12:11

Splitting the bill on a first date is fine. You might have eaten more than him, he might have drunk more than you. But it is sharing nicely and is quite friendly.

Calculating the split says he really isn’t that into you. It is holding you at arms length saying this is my bit, that is your bit. Not in it together. Unless his share came to way more than yours and he didn’t want you to pay for his excess.

OP is there to be a 2nd date?

shinysinkredemption · 15/05/2018 12:27

collaborate and furano you've got the wrong end of the stick. DH is generous and also opens doors for me, stands up if people join the table for lunch, et cetera. I did say I treat him as well.
It's horses for courses, people run their relationships, with partners and with friends, differently, as evidenced on this thread.

Some people will split the pennies taking into account someone not having garlic bread; some people will pay a bit less if they didn't have wine, etc. At the end of the day if you and your partner are happy being penny splitters, treating in turn, or somewhere in between, that's all that matters.

shinysinkredemption · 15/05/2018 12:38

I do think it's nice not to keep track too much for what it's worth, I know people in relationships who make a point of not doing nice things for each other because they say their partner doesn't do nice things for them. What a miserable way to live!

HarmlessChap · 15/05/2018 12:39

I had a male perspective on this from a single friend recently. He went on a date with a woman that I vaguely know, both of them are in their 30's with decent jobs.

I asked him how it went and he said they got on well but he got the feeling she was a bit of a sponger. He bought them both a drink in a pub before they went for a meal, when they finished the meal the bill came and she just sat back and let him pay it, no offer to split it or say I'll get the next one.

I said I've not dated since the early 90's but that was normal then. His attitude is a 1st date is just testing out the waters and getting a feel for what the other person is like. You certainly don't know if there will be further dates or not.

If you start seeing each other then its fine to take it in turns but in his experience if she sits back and expects him pay the whole bill on the 1st date then that's just the kind of person she is and will probably do the same on the 2nd, 3rd and so on.

I asked if he was going to see her again, he said she seemed keen, she'd messaged when she got home to say she's arrived safely and had had a lovely evening, but he wasn't sure and AFAIK he's not seen her again since.

fairylightsdown · 15/05/2018 12:44

I usually go halves but I do prefer a guy to pay on the first date and to spend more in general on dates. The reason being is that men get paid more in many professional positions and women are expected to spend money on looking good. My attitude will change when women are paid the same and grooming costs the same for men and women.

OliviaStabler · 15/05/2018 12:44

I'm not there to subsidise their starter, expensive main, alcohol and pudding when I've had only a main and sparkling water. I pay my way plus tip.

And either your date will appreciate your view or they will not like your attitude towards bill splitting.

Anyway, with such disparity between what you are eating and drinking in that meal, I doubt there would be a second date wanted from either side!

Ginseng1 · 15/05/2018 12:51

If I was asked on a date I'd like him to offer & pay the first time. I'd happily pay if there was a next time or drinks or whatever. It would be a mood killer for me if I thought there was even a hint of tightness!

BaronessEllaSaturday · 15/05/2018 12:52

If a man insists on paying then as far as I'm concerned it's a serious red flag and I wouldn't go on a second date. If he's prepared to ignore my request to go halves what else of my views will he disregard.

mummmy2017 · 15/05/2018 12:52

Had your male friend liked the woman I am sure he would have given her a 2nd chance.

Pa1oma · 15/05/2018 13:06

By the sounds of it, things have changed a lot since online dating came about. Personally, I would always offer to pay but if he accepted that, there would not be a second date. Maybe I'm old fashioned in the sense that I think men should make a certain kind of effort and if they don't do so on the first date then what is the actual point?

HarmlessChap · 15/05/2018 13:08

Had your male friend liked the woman I am sure he would have given her a 2nd chance.

You are missing the point, the thing he didn't like about her was that he felt she was a sponger. That was his red flag.

I don't think he wanted a 2nd opportunity to feel like he was being taken for a mug again.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.