To think he should pay on first date???

[namechangerforthis123]

Had a 'frank' discussion with a girlfriend at the w/e who was outraged that I thought a first date should pay for dinner.

I am v independent, decent career, probably generally feminist views on the whole.
He made it v clear he liked me.

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each! 

It just was a passion killer; can't explain why!!

Would be interested to hear the MN view on this. Get your flame throwers ready! 

Purple. I get the impression that women are paying half the bill because it's seems fair or the nice thing to do. Which is what you do when you're out with friends.
When you're serious , yep, pay your way or whatever split works. But you stand more to lose going out with a duff bloke than he does going out with the wrong girl.

If you thought it wrong to pay your share you are not a feminist.
The sisterhood demands equility so you pay your share.

Back years ago when I was in the dating game before I met my current OH, I would always offer to pay my share on a first date. And every guy would always still insist on paying despite my protests!

But I think the fact that I offered to pay and didn’t expect them to pay was always a good sign for them and why they were happy to pay. And if it went to a 2nd date I would always insist on paying on the 2nd date.

I think it’s nice if the man offers to pay, but I don’t him you should expect him to pay. I’ve always been of the ‘offer to pay your share’ mindset.

I get the impression that women are paying half the bill because it's seems fair or the nice thing to do.

It is fair (assuming you’ve had about the same stuff). Why shouldn’t you treat your date in a fair way? It’s the right thing to do.

But you stand more to lose going out with a duff bloke than he does going out with the wrong girl.

How so?

On the first date with my now fiancè 3 years ago, I paid for the cinema tickets and he paid for dinner but I offered to split out of politeness (I'd have been pretty pissed if he asked me out and expected me to pay for the cinema and dinner). I thought it was fair that we both paid for something.

Unless he asked you to split it and was calculating how much you both owed because he didn't want you to pay more (eg if he got a steak and you got pasta) then he was a bit of a tight arse

And every guy would always still insist on paying despite my protests!

I’ve never understood why a man not listening to what a woman wants and overriding her right to pay her way is seen as a good thing.

Purple, insisting on paying is cultural, it's seen as good manners regardless of gender.

My son dated this girl (feminist) who insisted they split the bill. The trouble was he is well off and she was very poor. She would not go to nice restaurants with him because she said she couldn’t afford it and so they ate at Burger King and Taco Bell. I’ll be damned if she didn’t 'have a go' at him because her mother said he wasn’t taking her to nice places. She later apologized and blamed her period for her out-burst.

The relationship shortly ended after that.

While I wouldn’t expect my date to pay, it would definitely put me off if a bloke asked ME out then also asked me to pay. I know this is probably completely old fashioned and feminists would think me pathetic. I would buy some drinks or something but to go calculating things down to the penny is just petty and embarrassing.

Actually User Whatever number OP said:
For the record, he did not whip out his calculator, he could divide by two (hooray!) so no calculating

And also Purple as seen on this thread and the many others on the same topic many women say about splitting the bill...But don't mean it. It's an empty gesture

To all those saying it makes the man come across as greedy, tight, selfish, not very generous or a bad partner... How do you think you look by refusing to even offer to pay half? Personally if I was out with someone who expected me to pay for them purely because of what is between my legs, they would not get a second date.
What a bunch of selfish women you all are!

I would like him to offer but would insist on splitting. If he insisted on paying, I would pay for drinks or pay on the next date. However, I am married now and tell my husband to pay every time 😂😂 (he earns much more than me in my defence!)

No I can look after myself thanks. Or if he insisted, I would pay next time. If it transpired he was rolling in it further down the line then yes he can pay just as if I were mega rich I would pay.

I wouldn’t have a man pay on the first date. It would feel like I owe him something - he paid so he now expects something in return.

Poor men can’t win these days, can they? If he insisted on paying he’d be branded sexist, if he wants to split the bill he’s a passion-killing miser. ☹️

Oh my god!! This is no cracking me up! I feel like this thread may enter the hall of MN game soon!!  Every time I check back it's like 199 more comments! So funny!!

For the record;

It's not my expectation that he should pay, just that it would be nice!

And I cant stop by & not reply to;

1. This, Totally!!!: Accepting chivalry doesn’t make you dependent on men or make men misogynistic .Equality in life between men and women goes far deeper than paying for a fucking meal or opening doors for that matter! Sorry for not quoting who this was!

1. @harshbuttrue1980 - to be crystal-champagne-clear I do not need everyone to agree with me. Fgs this is MN! I hardly expect that! But at the same time, I dont expect ppl to tell me I 'can't be a feminist' and like the idea of being treated generously on a date. Bugger right off that brigade!

1. @FreeMantle - spot on! He made it clear he liked me and wanted to go out again (& for drinks after on date 1, therefore I would expect him be showcasing his best qualities, in the same way that a male peacock would strut his stuff when mating (hahaha, can't wait for the reaction to this comment!). If I had liked him back, I'd have very much done the same. I was undecided by the end of the meAl. If he'd have acted generously & offered to pay (for the record, I'd have offered to split 50:50 straight back) I'd have probably thought, how nice, let's have a drink (I'd have paid) & I'll see if I'm feeling anything then. As it was, I just though 'no, I've spent enough, I'll just go home & have a think if I really do like him that much.

Why do posters keep mentioning getting calculators out or going through the bill line by line when splitting the bill? You just each put a card down and the waiter splits the bill equally in two - splitting usually means going halves. Easy. Not difficult or awkward

@SuspiciouslyMinded

I wouldn’t have a man pay on the first date. It would feel like I owe him something - he paid so he now expects something in return.

Really?!?! Seriously?!! You owe a man 'something' because they bought you dinner! Christ, no way!

If he did it in such a way as to pre empt any ideas you were expecting him to pay I would’ve been annoyed by that though. I don’t like people presuming stuff about me!

I reckon this seems to be the standard etiquette for first date based on my experience. This is based on him having done the asking out & the choosing the place. Slag me off all you wish but I no longer ask a guy, I expect him to ask me. It filters out the none-starters.

-If you both like each other, he offers to pay, you offer to split, he insists on paying

-If he likes you but you don't like him, he offers to pay, and you insist on going halves

-If it's a disaster, neither like the other you split

😁 the gospel according to me!

I look forward to the flurry of PM date requests for all single men on this forum!!!!!!

He shouldn't have to pay - but it'd be fair to split it evenly. If he starts calculating precise 'pence' at this stage, it's going to get worse down the line!!

What else do you think a first day is for other than for the person who asks you out to do.

Er, to get to know one another and have a nice lunch / dinner / few drinks?

It's him or her showing you in a more private one on one setting their values.... asking out of the blue for your share of the bill.... that devalues his view of his own worth as a provider....

If the bill arrives at the table, then suggesting going halves isn't exactly asking out of the blue. Suggesting going halves when the food arrives before you've even asked for the bill, that would be out of the blue!

Why would his worth be defined as being a provider? If a bloke had such a fragile ego that his masculine identity was shattered by going halves, he sounds like someone well worth avoiding!

Why I paid for our first date, not DH, I knew his dad didn't agree with his choice in person and as a teen he controlled his money, as a slightly more wined pendant teen who earned my own funds I paid, but it has always been a pretty equal relationship, if one is struggling the other will pay etc.

Furano Wed 16-May-18 14:39:55

"@HelenaDove you raise a really interesting point re private equity and social/health/childcare.

There has been a massive boom and equity prices for health/social/child care are super super peak. GP surgaries, dental practices, the works.

I can’t see anything good from having vast swathes of ‘care’ operates by PE houses"

Neither do i I cant see anything good in it either

But unlike you i wont be blaming other women for their choices.

Its ok it seems to treat low income women with derision and tell them they should have made better choices etc but then when the inevitable petitions are created to stop things like this from happening us lowlier womens signatures are sought and needed THEN its Wheres your support Wheres the sister hood.

It does sometimes look to me that some (not all) more well off feminists behave a bit like MPS and only treat you with any respect when they want their votes. Or petition signatures.

Fabulous post Plumbuddle.