To think he should pay on first date???

[namechangerforthis123]

Had a 'frank' discussion with a girlfriend at the w/e who was outraged that I thought a first date should pay for dinner.

I am v independent, decent career, probably generally feminist views on the whole.
He made it v clear he liked me.

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each! 

It just was a passion killer; can't explain why!!

Would be interested to hear the MN view on this. Get your flame throwers ready! 

I personally would hate a bloke that calculated his half of the bill - it would signal a certain meanness that I find very unattractive. I don't think it's right for a bloke to pay it all though - just because it's a first date. Just splitting the bill down the middle is fine, or taking it in turns to buy drinks is how I always used to do it.

When DH and I were first going out, he paid for loads more than me - even though I would always proffer a share/buy drinks etc, being the good feminist that I am - because he's generous to a fault - I've always loved him for it. Can't stand meannies.

I'd probably be happy to split 50/50 unless he'd eaten far more than me. I think you were being unreasonable. I'd be more irritated by him adding up exactly what he had.

All of my first dates have been “going for drinks” type ones so we’d just do rounds each. It wouldn’t occur to me to expect a man to pay for everything on that sort of date.

The man should pay on the first date.

I think the woman should pay for after-dinner drinks should they materialise, and/or dinner on the second date, but I'd run for the hills in the case of a 50/50 split.

I've drilled this into my sons' heads.

My husband is a kind and generous man who would NEVER go over each item of a bill. That means that this guy is cheap and petty.

30+ years ago I agreed to go out to dinner with a young man and I insisted on paying bc I knew that he was going to use it against me. I really only went out bc he was a pest and I couldn't escape him bc he was in my classes. That certainly ended him bothering me in one form anyway.

There are a few types of men paying dates; some are nice men who don't expect anything except the pleasure of a dinner companion down to nasty men. Most of the time we aren't surprised.

I think op was venting.

I've never let a man pay on a first date, only when we were in a relationship a while.

If I was a man I wouldn't be happy about this expectation. If you find it a turn off calculating halves why don't you offer to pay?

I think this is possibly a generational thing? I'm in my 40s and I never had an online date, overwhelmingly you'd met the fella through work or friends and already had the size of him. So a first date was more of a big deal.

I can imagine that if you're having 2 or 3 first dates a week, which I understand is normal Tinder activity for some (!) then perhaps you'd need to re-think it - but I'd be miserable doing 'modern' dating in any case.

I don’t think YABU as you were not the one who choose to go out in the first place or chose the place. I ghink he shoukd have addedd my treat if he was that interested and spit next time. If he doesn’t think you are worth dinner then trouble ahead. Ive learned the hard way by being overly independent and not believing my worth. Ie, when somebody doesn’t want to buy You and engagement ring because they don’t see the point !

The man should pay on the first date.

Um, why? So the woman gets free food and drinks even if she decides in the first 10 mins she isn't going to see him again?

This topic makes me cringe so much.

Not read the entire threat but I’m another one voting for the one who did the asking out should at least offer to pay on a first date be they male female or trans. So I’m my head it would be

Person A (who asked person b out for the date): i’ll Get that

Person B: are you sure, I can pay my share?

Person A: no, no, I insist.

Or something along those lines. I have been the asked and asker and have paid, been paid for and split with male and female partners but especially on a first date the one who asked should at least offer to pay especially if they asked by using the words “take you to” as that does imply that it is their treat. So I would find it a bit of a turn off if someone asked me out and then didn’t even offer to pay. I wouldn’t actually expect them to and would automatically offer to pay my half and have no bad feelings about it if they did say “ok we can split it if you like” but on a first date it’s about the politeness of offering. First impressions and all.

OP, you asked whether YWBU and some people said you were - if you wanted everyone to agree with you, then AIBU is perhaps the wrong place.
Also, you have had a bad experience of being left to look after kids when your ex went off - that's an awful experience to have, but it wasn't the fault of the men you are now dating. If you're going to make a song and dance about gasp! clutch pearls! paying for your share of a dinner you have eaten, then you might be single for a long time in this day and age.

And if you feel so strongly about it, put a statement on your online dating profile saying you only want to date men who will pay for your meal. You may as well if you're going to ditch the ones who don't pay - there's no point wasting time with all of those losers who expect a woman to be able to pay for what she eats.

I personally think blokes should pay if they like you. If I was a bloke I’d pay...my husband paid on our first date, and you know , every man I really went out with did. I’m a bit old fashioned like that. With men I didn’t want a second date with, Ive fronted up my half straight away. There are still a lot of men who like gallantry, and wooing a woman, and don’t want to feel emasculated ... If that isn’t what you want, just make it clear, and pay half. Total turn off if the bloke sits there adding up your half. I’d have just lobbed my half at him and got going. I’m a woman with her own company, and own mind, and own money, but I can’t bear blokes who fanny about adding up what bit of this you had and how much it was. Unless you REALLY like him OP, I’d kick the whole thing into touch

@namechangerforthis , was it the fact that he wanted to split the cost or that he was working it out?
I got the impression it was the working it out that was the “passion killer”.
Some people have other “passion killers” that may seem strange to other people.

I agree with you op! Then I'd pay for a couple of drinks after

I wouldn’t expect him to pay but I’d be turned off by someone itemising the bill meticulously rather than just going halves!

YADNBU. I am on the dating scene, and if a bloke didn't pay for the first date (has happened only once so far), I absolutely would not see him again. I cannot bear a tightwad, and find this trait extremely unattractive.
Following Date 1, I will plan and pay for Date 2. And happy to take turns thereafter.
Date 1 sets the scene for how it's going to be, and I could not be with a miser.

What a tight arse! Yes, he should have paid as he invited you out. I pay when I invite my girlfriends out for breakfast/lunch and they pay when they invite me out. It would really turn me off him too......however, we went with some friends of friends to Blackpool for a weekend and the couple calculated what they had eaten/drank (per person) and paid his/her own. I’ve never seen such poor etiquette!! They even spilt the cost of nappies 🤔

Umm why? So the woman gets free food and drinks even if she decides in the first 10 mins she isn't going to see him again?

Because it's not a business meal. He's asked you because he fancies you and he should be demonstrating his kindness and generosity. He can always take you for cake and coffee for £6 if he's doing a lot of dating.

So you're a feminist and you expect the man to pay on a first date.
Do you really not see the idiocy contradiction in that?

How petty minded are you - gender equality - you should pay your % of the bill.

FreeMantle

What if it was an internet date? Would you go Dutch?

Do you ever ask men on dates? If you did would you expect to pay for said date?

Because it's not a business meal. He's asked you because he fancies you and he should be demonstrating his kindness and generosity. He can always take you for cake and coffee for £6 if he's doing a lot of dating.

Wow. Just wow. Haha. No wonder there's still no equality, when bullshit like this perpetuates it.

Note to self- ask friends to pay for my meals when we meet up because they like me and invited me out

A question to all those who say that paying on a first date demonstrates that a man is generous, caring and selfless.

What do you do on the first date to show him that you have these qualities?