To think he should pay on first date???

[namechangerforthis123]

Had a 'frank' discussion with a girlfriend at the w/e who was outraged that I thought a first date should pay for dinner.

I am v independent, decent career, probably generally feminist views on the whole.
He made it v clear he liked me.

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each! 

It just was a passion killer; can't explain why!!

Would be interested to hear the MN view on this. Get your flame throwers ready! 

Userv you are wrong. My going dutch 50/50 dp would never see me starve. He is generous in bed and always pleasures me as a priority. He has no hobbies as such and spends a fraction of our money on himself and showers me and our girls with thoughtful gifts. He encourages me to spend money on myself though he earns more as he wants me to be happy. Your assumption of what going dutch on a date indicates about a man is complete and utter unfounded bullshit.

Haha siwel are you my dp? I'm also a crap cook!!

@Baubletrouble43.
Ooh maybe . If YouTube favourites sister's and a Hoover called James then yes I am

Have a favourite duster I meant

Phew! It's ok . I have a miele. As you were!

I dont think its a case of 'should'
Id not be shocked if a man wanted to go halves on a date... but it would put me off him to be totally honest. I would probably offer to pay half but if I was asked to I would respect the man less.

There are some types of men who make you feel like you owe them something because they have paid.... and so I would never allow a man to pay for me if I felt he was like that.
But in my opinion its a good sign if a man offers to pay for you on a date and it seems genuine and not about trying to make you feel like you owe them. Its a good sign of someone being both willing and able to support you if times get hard.
I know other people may think that is massively jumping ahead.... but ive seen too many women have children with or marry men who are very very strange and controlling about money, for this not to be something I would consider.

Id also look at it like an expression of priorities. What does this person want to spend their money on or think is worth spending their money on? Id like that to some extent to be their relationship. So I would take a man genuinely wanting to pay for a date (ie not in a creepy transactional way) as a pretty good sign.

triangle maybe you should pay for the whole dinner to show him that your relationship is worth spending YOUR money on?

@thetriangleisarealinstrument well said

@shinycat

On the show 'First Dates' last week, one man on there insisted that he and his date 'go dutch' but he said 'although I prefer to split the bill initially, if things go well, and we get into bed later on, I will always re-reimburse the woman.'

Yes, he actually said that. Last week's 'First Dates...' (Ch 4.)

That is a bit shocking, but reading some of the posts from a few men on this thread, I am not totally shocked to hear that a man said this......

@thetriangleisarealinstrument

I don't think its a case of 'should'

I'd not be shocked if a man wanted to go halves on a date... but it would put me off him to be totally honest. I would probably offer to pay half but if I was asked to I would respect the man less.

Yeah same here. Massive red flag. Don't want to spend a second more with a tight arse fucker who calculates every last penny he and me have had spent on us, so he makes sure he doesn't pay a PENNY less than he need to. (As I said, he is probably shit in bed too... tight-arsed men usually are!)

He wouldn't get a second date with me. A penny pinching man like that isn't worth my time. I prefer a kind, courteous man, not a tight arsed fuck who will probably even be looking for vouchers to make sure he gets even more off HIS share.

@thetriangleisarealinstrument

I don't think its a case of 'should'

I'd not be shocked if a man wanted to go halves on a date... but it would put me off him to be totally honest. I would probably offer to pay half but if I was asked to I would respect the man less.

Yeah same here. Massive red flag. Don't want to spend a second more with a tight arse fucker who calculates every last penny he and me have had spent on us, so he makes sure he doesn't pay a PENNY more than he needs to. (As I said, he is probably shit in bed too... tight-arsed men usually are!)

He wouldn't get a second date with me. A penny pinching man like that isn't worth my time. I prefer a kind, courteous man, not a tight arsed fuck who will probably even be looking for vouchers to make sure he gets even more off HIS share.

Not sure I'd accept a date request from a person who wanted to flash their cash as a way of enticing me. Those kind of people don't interest me.

siwel - well yes, he does have expectations of me because I'm female, obviously. No he doesn't expect me to be at home like some skivvy and I have a cleaner a few days a week anyway. But I do cook for him and the kids and he's come to have that expectation and I take care of the domestic side of things and most of the kids' issues because I'm the one at home. If we split everything 50/50, the same things would have to get done but it would just be more juggling and hassle to be honest. Anyway, I think it would be hard to find a man who is genuinely a blank slate when it comes to sex-assigned roles or expectations. I don't think I've ever met one anywhere.

How is it penny pinching to expect someone to pay for what they have had?

I don't look for vouchers etc I paid for half the Bill, I don't count pennies etc we just split the bill in half.
@UserV. Is that aimed at me? That is one guy who had a horrible attitude. Not the whole or even majority of man kind.

thetriangleisarealinstrument

Yet you would utterly fail the test if you applied your own attitude to dating to yourself.

From what you describe a man is not going to gain much confidence that you are going step up to mark in terms of 'willing and able to support him if times get hard'. Or is it just a one way street?

I find it amazing as to how much some people project future outcomes based on a single date with someone they don't know.

Maybe I am the odd one who on a date paid closer attention to the persons intelligence, shared values and sense of humour rather then her ability to support me.

Well there is the problem. He expects you to do something because you're female and I couldn't be with anyone like that.

We don't split 50.50. I cook and wash up she doesn't. She cleans I don't etc. However the tasks are roughly split equal, and we don't say you must cook and clean as you're fenale.

There is a middle ground. Doesn't necessarily boil down to counting pennies! ie bill comes to 46 quid; man throws twenty five quid down and you put down the rest. Would that be an acceptable scenario to you penny pincher haters?

@PanGalactic. Here here.

So much anger UserV

No way - on a first date you go halves. When I did OLD that was a prerequisite for going on the date. My now DP found it very refreshing after a string of dates where he felt they were more interested in his wallet than him.

Pa1oma, you should meet my husband. We divvy things up pretty equally - more about who's available or who has the skills to do stuff: cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, childcare. Just last night I was the one doing a diy quick fix that involved gaffer tape and tarpaulin- he held the ladder.

baubletrouble... well yeah if we were both men.... but statistically its not likely to be him whos financial capabilities suffer in the wake of pregnancy is it?
Therefore I personally think its a good sign to look for that a man is willing to be generous with money and more importantly takes relationships seriously enough to invest his time and money into them. Becuase those are qualities that you very well may end up needing.

I certainly did when I fell unexpectedly pregnant after being with a man for three months when I was working on a zero hours contract with basically very few rights to protect me. Let me tell you my finances took a big hit and luckily I wasnt with some dickhead with whom I had to argue over the pennies. He stepped up and supported me without question and without resentment.
That is not the story ive heard from other women in similar circumstances with men whos views about money were more uptight.

Of course you need to play it by ear. Some men are generous but respect your independence by not questioning you going halves on things.... Im just saying that in the grand scheme of things id personally keep my eye out for pettiness or uptightness around money of any kind in a man.... because ive seen it backfire for women and read it on hear so so many times, when theyve justified to themselves the financial pettiness of men as 'hes respecting my independence' and then theyve ended up having kids with a controlling arsehole

Despite a couple of people claiming thattheirhusband/partner does as much in the house as them, and looks after the kids as much as them, the reality is that many men do not

I can't be responsible for the compromises other people choose to make in their relationships. I'm willing to bet that you don't know most men, so sure it's not fair to tar them with the same brush.

Anyone who suggests that most men will be happy to be all equal in housework and childcare is deluded.
WHO THE F*CK IS HAPPY ABOUT HOUSEWORK?

I'm a woman I don't want to do it. I don't even see it most days. Yet I don't live in a tip.

I'm one of those women claiming (not sure it's a claim, simple facts) her DH is equal to her.

I know I live in an equal house. yes we each have jobs to do, and I jokingly say the man's job is to empty the bins. But we all do our jobs and they are not distributed by whether someone does or does not have a penis.

Good grief

YANBU. First date, he should pay or at least offer. Very good idea to go somewhere reasonably modest anyway