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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he should pay on first date???

845 replies

namechangerforthis123 · 14/05/2018 23:31

Had a 'frank' discussion with a girlfriend at the w/e who was outraged that I thought a first date should pay for dinner.

I am v independent, decent career, probably generally feminist views on the whole.
He made it v clear he liked me.

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each! 

It just was a passion killer; can't explain why!!

Would be interested to hear the MN view on this. Get your flame throwers ready! 

OP posts:
siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:04

Agreed counting the pennies is bad form. But splitting it roughly equal is surely the way to go.

Pa1oma · 16/05/2018 10:12

siwel - if the truth be known, there are many men who would prefer a wife who stays at home and looks after the kids. But why would you see that role as demeaning anyway. I don't and never did. As long as your husband lives up to his role within that set up, then what's the problem?

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:14

Oh ducking dear.
I'm not saying the role is demeaning to stay at home if you want you can. I'm saying it is wrong to automatically expect a women to do so because she is a women.
It is wrong to automatically assume a man should pay for you just because he is a man.
It is wrong to automatically to assume a women earns less then her partner etc etc etc.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 16/05/2018 10:15

It looks like people should sign a pre date agreement.

Hopefully it will not come to that. I do think the tide has definitely turned with regard to attitudes with most women happy to go dutch.

I eventually switched my first dates to just drinks or coffee and avoided the whole full on dinner pantomime. Taking that approach quickly weeded out the women who were expecting big gesture flashy fine dining dating. Personally I preferred it if a women on a first date would judge me on my character and personality and not on whether I was a Flash Harry.

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:18

@PanGalactic. Here here.

Pa1oma · 16/05/2018 10:23

siwel - are you saying there is nothing at all you would expect from your husband on the basis of him being a man, any more or less than if he were a woman?

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:30

Well seems as I'm male and married to a women no.
NO there's nothing I would expect my wife to do just because she is a women. And she expects no sexist stereotypes from me.

shinycat · 16/05/2018 10:31

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster

Just out of curiosity, for those advocating that the man pays for a first date on the basis that 'you would get the next one' would you offer to go Dutch if you had no intention of seeing the man again?

You need to RTFT. A number of posters have said that they would go halves if they never wanted to see the man again.

On another note.

On the show 'First Dates' last week, one man on there insisted that he and his date 'go dutch' but he said 'although I prefer to split the bill initially, if things go well, and we get into bed later on, I will always re-reimburse the woman.'

Yes, he actually said that. Last week's 'First Dates...' (Ch 4.)

You. Could. Not. Make. This. Shit. Up.

UserV · 16/05/2018 10:33

I agree with @Helenadove from earlier in the thread.

But a lot of men have double standards when it comes to feminism too and will only embrace the bits that suit them.

Are there as many men going halves on childcare/housework as there is going halves on dates?

Some men only embrace the part of equality that suits their wallet.

Despite a couple of people claiming that their husband/partner does as much in the house as them, and looks after the kids as much as them, the reality is that many men do not. Some even keep on living their life as if they are a single man, and most men will definitely try to keep up with their hobbies and interests and social life, after marriage and kids. Anyone who suggests that most men will be happy to be all equal in housework and childcare is deluded.

Indeed, some men will keep most of their money to themselves too, and if they are a higher earner, they will happily see their wife/partner go without, whilst spending on their hobbies and interests, and rarely lifting a finger to help in the house.

As I said before (and as many posters have said,) if a man asked me out on a date, and then started calculating his share (and mine) and said we must split the bill, there wouldn't be a second date. Call me old-fashioned, sexist, ridiculous, blah blah bloody blah, but it is just so rude and ignorant to ask a woman on a date and make her pay for herself. Can people here not see that?

It's not a case of me 'expecting him to pay for everything,' it is a sign of chivalry and kindness and generosity. Calculating what I have eaten and what HE has eaten is NOT a good sign IMO, and it does signify that he is a penny-pincher. And that is a fucking sour and ugly trait

I wouldn't be seeing him again, because in my experience, a man who is so tight-arsed that he would make a woman pay for her own meal on a date HE had asked her on, is a man who will see you starve before he would give you a quid for a sausage roll, and who will keep all his money to himself when you are a SAHM and he is the main earner (because he earns the money he deserves to spend it!) and he will rarely help with childcare or housework (and on the rare occasion he does, he will see it as doing you a favour.)

He will spend 1000's of pounds a year on his hobbies, but you will be lucky to be given a tenner a year towards make up. Oh, and he is usually selfish in bed too.

So yeah, a man asking me on a date and expecting me to pay for myself can fuck right off.

As was said earlier, if you are such a tight-arsed fuck that you will make a woman YOU asked out pay for herself on the first date, maybe you should take her to McDonalds. If you're lucky, you may be able to find a voucher for a free small fries on the back of a bus ticket or something; save yourself a few pennies......

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:38

Why would you be so tight added to make a man pay for 2 meals when he had one? @UserV.
I find you deeply offensive to say men don't want to be equal in responsibilities with their kids. I bloody well do as many dads do as we love our wife and kids Hmm.

It is sexist toe expect someone to do something because of their gender/sex. Regardless of who they are or what the situation is, expecting someone to do something just because they're a man or a women is not on.

Just because I choose not to subsidies a stranger on a first date doesn't mean I won't support them if we get together. Me and my wife split the first and second bill 5p.50. I paid the third and then we got together and have worked out a good syatem.

I do but her stuff and

UserV · 16/05/2018 10:40

If you don't understand and don't 'get it' @siwel123 there is NOTHING I can do to help you.

All I can do is pity you..... because you are morbidly naive. Sad

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:42

Oh so naive and dumb to want equality. HmmAngry

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 16/05/2018 10:43

Maybe she wants to be looked after financially?

Maybe she is just lazy and entitled, that would be my conclusion if an otherwise able bodied and reasonably intelligent women wanted to be 'kept' for the rest of her life. I'm sure there are men out there who would happily entertain that scenario but lets not pretend that such an arrangement is in anyway based on treating each other as equals.

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:44

Women in my opinion who expect men to pay then @UserV. Are grabby and sexist who have no morals.

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:46

@PanGalactic. I so so agree. I find this sexist attitude disgraceful. Imagine a Man saying women must stay at home and be supported by him as she is a women. Absolute uproar there would be, but expecting a man to pay for a women that can afford it and is just scrounging for a free meal and being sexist to expect a free meal is apparently ok by lots of people in here?

Pa1oma · 16/05/2018 10:47

I think that's quite unusual to be honest siwel123. If you have children, can you honestly say you didn't expect your wife to be more attuned to this role from day one? Do you really do half the cooking, cleaning, etc or do you just think you do? Would you be totally fine if from now on your wife made no effort with her appearance?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 16/05/2018 10:49

UserV

Have you ever asked a man out on a date?

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:50

My wife can do whatever she wants with her body as long as she is hygienic and happy.
Well I do all the cooking and food shopping, put the kids to bed and bath them 4 nights a week etc. So yes were equal. We don't expect each other to do something because we're male or female. We do what we do because they're our schools and how life works.

KM99 · 16/05/2018 10:54

I've never been comfortable with a first date paying for everything. I've always offered to pay half very openly and only felt ok with not paying if I know a second date is on the cards and I am arranging it. I feel it's a more personal gesture for when you get to know someone.

I firmly believe equality in all things. I personally find it hypocritical to believe in equal pay, respect at work etc but still expect to have doors held open for me or bills on picked up on a first date.

Baubletrouble43 · 16/05/2018 10:54

I agree siwel. My dp actually does want to share childcare chores etc and does so. I find it a bit sad that some women are so cynical that they don't believe men like this exist. They can't be that rare. My db is also one of them.

harshbuttrue1980 · 16/05/2018 10:56

Siwel, you have a healthy attitude.
Its not about who is the man and who is the woman. Pay equal shares when dating. When in an established relationship, do things according to need and ability.
In an established relationship, for example, its perfectly reasonable for:
-the higher earner to pay more of the bills, in proportion with earnings
-the person who is more financially sound to do the bills
-the most practical person to do the DIY
-the lower earned to be a SAHP if the couple want someone to be a SAHP
It shouldn't be the case that all men single-handledly support the family and all women do the cooking and cleaning!

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:56

@Bauble. Full agree, kind men who believe in equality do exist Shock.
It is hypocritical to want equality then say men MUST do this and must do that.

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 10:58

Precisely. We don't assign roles based on sex or gender. We do the jobs were food at, my wife is a crap cook Grin and I'm crap at cleaning while she likes a tidy house so she does that.

Pa1oma · 16/05/2018 10:59

Well it sounds like you have a great relationship siwel and I'm sure your wife is very lucky to have you. My relationship is different but it's no more "wrong". I have my responsibilities, he has his, some things we share and that's how it goes.

siwel123 · 16/05/2018 11:01

That's fine to have responsibilities. But we're they assigned just because your female?

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