To think he should pay on first date???

[namechangerforthis123]

Had a 'frank' discussion with a girlfriend at the w/e who was outraged that I thought a first date should pay for dinner.

I am v independent, decent career, probably generally feminist views on the whole.
He made it v clear he liked me.

But it was such a turn off when he started calculating how much it was each! 

It just was a passion killer; can't explain why!!

Would be interested to hear the MN view on this. Get your flame throwers ready! 

What @UserV said:

On the one hand I think whoever does the asking should pay, so if a man asks you then he should pay.... BUT, if a man asked me on a date and I didn't care for him much, and didn't want to see him again, I would pay my share. If I DID want to see him again, he can pay, and I will pay next time.

^^ this!

The "you can get dinner next time" "ok, and maybe we'll try the Thai/ whatever place" moment is a nice way of subtly agreeing you'll be dating again as well.

I often date guys who are older than me or earn more than me, because I’m attracted to successful men. I will buy a drink but I’d want them to buy the majority e.g. buy dinners in the early stages or more drinks (later in the relationship, we can split it).

And yes I still see myself as a feminist as my dating life is just one facet of my personality and life. You can be a feminist and still do things others might see as unfeminist, as long as you’re not harming anyone else, in my view.

I’m not saying I’m ‘right’ but for me romance in that sense is important and even if it’s unfeminist it makes me more comfortable when dating.

NB: when I was a student or if I fell for a guy who was less well off than me, I would split it.

@Petite. You're entitled to your own opinion and I respect that.

Is it ok though for me to see myself as a feminist and suggest women must do the cooking? Because you're suggesting a man must do something because of his sex?

I’m not saying he MUST do it. If I wasn’t attracted to him I’d never let him pay, that would be mean of me. But it will help attract me to a man if he pays, if I already like him- it will solidify and deepen my feelings towards him. I’m sure my feelings are influenced by the patriarchy and I accept they are sexist but it influences my attraction. Nevertheless I still think I am a feminist as it happens largely on a subconscious level.
I take your point though- if a man said it makes him more attracted when a woman cooks i wouldn’t be happy. So I’ll think about it. On some level I would like to reprogramme my thoughts on this but I really at this point cannot be attracted to a man who wouldn’t buy me dinner on a second date for example.

@Petitepamplemousse I applaud your honesty.

@Petite.
Thank you for the good little debate there that was kept civil and nice.
I hope I have given you some food for thought.

siwel ive just noticed that youve posted on another thread that looks are important to you. So on that note coupled with what you have posted on here , what would your reaction be if a woman turned up on a date with unwaxed legs so she could pay her way on the date. What would your thoughts and reaction be?

@HelenaDove. I would be perfectly happy with that. I said looks play a part in making me attracted to someone. As does personality. And many of there characteristics.

Fair enough.

@HELENA. We also need to make it clear I said it in the context of I would find someone unattractive who strayed dating at 23 stone and went to 20 stone and refused to do anything about it. However I also stated I would still love the person to the moon and back but would struggle to find them attractive.

However as been said above personality is important too and more important then looks. Furthermore shaving any bit of the body it the other persons choice and what they choose has no effect on my opinion that we should the bill.

Nor mine. As ive stated i would be happy to pay half I really wish someone would try my scenario on First Dates though.

Twitter would really lose its shit..............and then crash!

Why should he pay? What makes you so special? Why don't you pay for him?

Mummy I liked what you said way upthread
About circumstances.
Someone invites you out to dinner. If you are a one parent family for example you have to pay for a sitter and in my experience on a tight budget.
In my world if someone wants to 'take me out for dinner' they want to spend time with me and foot the bill. As I couldn't afford it otherwise. If they ask me to have dinner with them and I think they just want someone to have dinner with them I will tell them I can't because I can't afford it in an around about way ie oh no I can't eat out blah blah 🙄

How many men who split the cost of dates go on to split childcare later on?

My DH. We split costs on first date. Next

Exactly as @Faultymain5 above, DH and I..

I don't understand why it is considered tight to pay for what you ordered but it isn't considered tight to expect someone to either pay the full bill or subsidise your bill.

This is absolutely spot on.

"Is it ok though for me to see myself as a feminist and suggest women must do the cooking?"

Saying women "must" do all cooking all the time is obviously archaic. Nevertheless, many men do find a woman cooking for them an attractive quality. I used to cook for DH when we were dating. Even now, I do mainly and he appreciates that. Sometimes, as Petite says, what attracts us to the opposite sex is not 100% politically-correct or feminist, but some people are just more comfortable acknowledging this than others, I guess.

I really at this point cannot be attracted to a man who wouldn’t buy me dinner on a second date for example

Conversely I would find it deeply unattractive if I met a financially independent women with that level of entitlement. My dating days are over but when I saw women dash off to the bathroom come bill time expecting all that to be sorted by the time they returned or doing the whole ‘fake reach’ thing with zero intention of actually offering anything then sorry that date would be the last one. It’s got nothing to with being ‘tight’ and everything to do with creating a level playing field from the off.

I think whoever asks the other on the date should pay as it was their offer

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster, well that’s fine. Not every man wants the same woman. Lots of men are happy to buy dinner on a second date. Also I wouldn’t turn up without the means to pay or dash to the bathroom but if a man genuinely offers to pay and means it, I find that a massive turn on, whereas awkwardly splitting the bill a turn off. Again not saying it’s right just how I would feel.

I think whoever asks the other on the date should pay as it was their offer

Which is obviously convenient given that social convention insists that the man does the asking.

I think whoever asks the other on the date should pay as it was their offer.

Which is obviously convenient given that social convention insists that the man does the asking.

Exactly, another negative tradition that should be buried.

I did a lot of asking in my heyday. Sometimes it pulled off sometimes it didn't. For those ladies that never did it, do you know how much the fear rejection costs? A lot more than a leg wax. self esteem is priceless.

I'm not sure this is so much about him being a man and not offering to pay but about him asking, pursuing and then not paying.

Maybe you thought that, wanting to impress/pursue you, he would pay and when he wanted to split it that was a turn off?

Petitepamplemousse

I would hazard a guess that a lot of men paid the cost of a first date not because they were happy to but because they were terrified of being labelled 'tight'. That was certainly my experience in my 20s where it would seem being an utter prick was less of an offence then being seen as 'penny pinching'.

In fairness when I was internet dating the vast majority of women offered to go Dutch without any fuss but I guess there is not the 'he asked me out so he should pay' factor.

I generally mostly dated women who were in the same socio economic bracket as me, i.e. graduate professional where there was parity with regard to financial independence. Obviously where that was not the case I would offer to pay as that really would be mean to expect a student to match you. However it just seemed odd to me that an independent women working as a lawyer or accountant working in the city would still expect a first date to be 'on him'.

Just out of curiosity, for those advocating that the man pays for a first date on the basis that 'you would get the next one' would you offer to go Dutch if you had no intention of seeing the man again?