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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what people think about this, child maintenance

159 replies

TWDfan · 14/05/2018 00:15

A man has a one night stand that results in the woman becoming pregnant, neither of them were mindful about taking precautions.

He tells the woman from the offset that he isn't ready to have a baby and he doesn't want to be involved, but respects her decision if she chooses to keep the baby and go it alone but makes it clear he won't be a part of the childs life or hers.

Woman keeps the baby knowing the father won't be involved and is prepared to be a single parent, as the due date looms the father begins getting messages about paying for the child.

Should he pay CM?

OP posts:
MercianQueen · 14/05/2018 00:16

Yes

OvergroundWomblingFree · 14/05/2018 00:16

Yes

gwenneh · 14/05/2018 00:16

Yes.

Greenyogagirl · 14/05/2018 00:16

Yes!

VladmirsPoutine · 14/05/2018 00:17

In short: Fuck yes.

User467 · 14/05/2018 00:22

He had sex. He made a baby. The baby is an actual human being with emotions and feelings. Yes,he should pay.

ThatchersCold · 14/05/2018 00:23

Yes he should pay.

He had the opportunity to be ‘mindful’ about this potential outcome whilst dtd.

An abortion is a shitty thing to go to and if the woman doesn’t want to do that, unfortunately that doesn’t absolve the father from paying for the child he helped create, even if he didn’t want to be an actively involved parent.

Anecdotally, the situation you described is exactly what happened with the father of my dd1 and his oldest child. The mother had the child anyway, and didn’t expect a lot from Ex-p, although he did have sporadic contact with the child (maybe once a year). He didn’t pay anything in maintenance.

13 years later, he had another dd with me, and although we split when she was a baby, he has always been involved (sees her EOW and pays — a shit amount of — maintenance. The upshot is that his older dd has become, understandably, very bitter about his relationship with my dd and will no longer speak to him or have anything to do with him.

OutofSyncGirl · 14/05/2018 00:24

Yes of course he should pay CM. He didn't use a condom, therefore he chose the possibility that he could be a father.

Shouldn't even be a question...

MsAwesomeDragon · 14/05/2018 00:24

Yes he should.

Ime he won't though.

Greenyogagirl · 14/05/2018 00:26

@TWDfan are you the man in this situation....

Original poster
TWDfan · 14/05/2018 00:26

I'm in agreement with what everybody else has said

The person in the situation is somebody i know and he seems to think that because he made it clear he doesn't want a baby he shouldn't have to pay for it

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 14/05/2018 00:27

Yes

Original poster
TWDfan · 14/05/2018 00:27

No no no, i'm not the man! Or A man for that matter

OP posts:
OutofSyncGirl · 14/05/2018 00:27

I have found the child maintenance service to be very efficient - much more than the old CSA. If the father won't pay he's given charges of 20% on top of the maintenance he has to pay if a deduction of earnings order is made.

There is no wriggling out of it because the father is offered a DNA test and if he refuses the CMS presumes parentage. If he has the test and the child is his, he has to pay for the test.

Gemini69 · 14/05/2018 00:28

he gambled and ran that risk when he had unprotected sex sadly Flowers

OutofSyncGirl · 14/05/2018 00:29

It's a shame he didn't make sure he didn't have a baby then isn't it really? Men who behave this way are pathetic.

BeatrizViter · 14/05/2018 00:29

Yes. Not sure why you have to ask. Happily, legally he is obliged to (in the UK anyway) so doesn't need to waste time worrying about whether he "should".

Tankersome · 14/05/2018 00:37

Morally and legally - he has an obligation to pay.

The time to decide that he didn't want a baby was before "neither of them were mindful about taking precautions". It shouldn't be an after thought.

The woman in the equation should not be forced to be 100% financially and emotionally responsible for this baby just because he is feeling some regret about having sex with her.

It confuses me why he thinks he actually has a choice whether or not he is involved - does he mean emotionally? Nobody can force him to see his child. But he can certainly be forced to pay financially for its upbringing. He needs to educate himself on this quickly.

Birdsgottafly · 14/05/2018 00:38

Yes and I've said this on another thread, there should be more condemnation for people who walk away from their children. Not those that struggle and get SS involved. The ones who just decide they want no part of their own child's life.

Original poster
TWDfan · 14/05/2018 00:44

He claims he is not going to be there emotionally or financially because the fact he made his stance clear from the get go means he refuses to be held accountable. He is of the opinion that keeping the baby was her decision and they spoke in depth where he made his position clear.

Doesn't want to see the child and doesn't want to be contacted by the mother, said it is her problem now.

Is pig ignorant as to the fact he is legally obliged to pay

OP posts:
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:48

Yes he should pay. And I hope any woman finding out what his attitude to his own child is, stays well clear of him. He is not a decent man.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 14/05/2018 00:51

They both should've been more careful and before he pays a penny he needs to make sure it is his child.

Greenyogagirl · 14/05/2018 00:58

He is financially responsible for his child.
Being there emotionally or physically is up to him but financially he has to pay. CMS are actually pretty on the ball now so he’d be better off being pleasant and arranging direct payments now

VimFuego101 · 14/05/2018 01:00

Fortunately the CMS doesn't see it that way. It doesn't matter whether he made his wants clear from the outset or not.

Greenyogagirl · 14/05/2018 01:02

‘I don’t want a baby but I also don’t want to wear a condom. Therefore it’s your problem if you fall pregnant’
Yeah I don’t see that standing up too well in court

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