Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what people think about this, child maintenance

159 replies

TWDfan · 14/05/2018 00:15

A man has a one night stand that results in the woman becoming pregnant, neither of them were mindful about taking precautions.

He tells the woman from the offset that he isn't ready to have a baby and he doesn't want to be involved, but respects her decision if she chooses to keep the baby and go it alone but makes it clear he won't be a part of the childs life or hers.

Woman keeps the baby knowing the father won't be involved and is prepared to be a single parent, as the due date looms the father begins getting messages about paying for the child.

Should he pay CM?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 14/05/2018 01:04

Yes.

@TWDfan "He claims he is not going to be there emotionally or financially because the fact he made his stance clear from the get go means he refuses to be held accountable. He is of the opinion that keeping the baby was her decision and they spoke in depth where he made his position clear."

Making one's position clear about something is not the same as not being obliged to pay for something.

Also, if this guy is your friend, can you talk to him about the future and how he may feel if he genuinely does try to duck out of his responsibilities here?

As people get older they look to what their life is really about and what really matters.

My guess is, if he is real, he is very young and will one day bitterly regret this.

SickofThomasTheTank · 14/05/2018 01:07

The CMS will find where he works from HMRC and will take it from his wages!

Greenyogagirl · 14/05/2018 01:12

He might want to research before being a twat. It will be taken from his wages, if he works cash in hand they’ll take it direct from his bank, if he manages without a bank he’ll have bailiffs coming round, if he avoids them he’ll lose his driving license, if he still won’t pay he’ll go to prison. Oh and he’ll pay an extra 20% a month as well as bailiff costs, letter costs, court costs etc does he want to spend the rest of his life trying to run from this or does he want to be a bloody man and step up

Original poster
TWDfan · 14/05/2018 01:28

He is 28 so old enough to understand the implications of his actions and know how he should and shouldn't be responding to the situation

He isn't my friend, i know the pregnant lady

Posted here as i was genuinely interested in others take on the matter

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 14/05/2018 01:46

I feel sorry for him, he sounds awfully shallow. My children are my life. And one isn't biologically related to me. Here is a child, related to him biologically and he wants to turn his back on them.

I wish your friend all the best, kids are bloody hard work but wonderful too.

Tuckingfypo · 14/05/2018 01:50

Yes. He needs to accept that if he has sex, whether he uses protection or not there is still a chance of pregnancy.

And he'd be the lowest of the low if he didn't take responsibility and pay for the life he helped create.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2018 01:52

the fact he made his stance clear from the get go

The 'get go' was putting his penis into a vagina without a condom. Sadly for him that was the get go and the final chance he had for 'pulling out' (pun intended).

That's biology for you. It has spared him morning sickness, stretch marks, pain, surgery and stitches. It only gives him one chance to choose not to have a baby. Women have all the shit but two chances to choose. I know which I'd vote for.

Italiangreyhound · 14/05/2018 01:55

Actually, can I take that back, he is an adult making his own choices. It is the child who has my sympathy. Hopefully your friend will do a sterling job of bringing up baby. But it is a shame that actually with relatively little effort men can actually be super dads! Initially, it does not take too much for dads to show their kids they care, pay their way and just be there to affirm their son or daughter!

I hope this guy will have a re-think. Assuming he is a suitable person to be a dad! Having a child by adoption I know that knowing where you come from etc is very important. Will he provide medical family history, this is useful. Might his mum or dad want to have some contact? It all depends whether or not they would be good people to have in a child's life. My inlaws have been brilliant.

I wish your friend all the best.

shakingmyhead1 · 14/05/2018 03:48

Well at 28 he should be aware that by having an emission from his penis in the enclosed space of a womans vagina could possibly result in a baby being created.... and just by saying i dont want one wont stop that happening or end his financial responsibility... if he doesnt want a child then the only fully effective way to avoid this is to NOT have sex at all... NONE! dont get your penis out and use it and expect to not have consequences

RubiaPTA · 14/05/2018 04:10

Men give up the right to decide when they give up their sperm whether they meant to or not. It's as simple as that really

GreenItWas · 14/05/2018 04:17

The only sensible answer to his stance is Ha ha haha ha ha ha!

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/05/2018 07:14

Men give up the right to decide when they give up their sperm whether they meant to or not. It's as simple as that really

This ^ any man that doesn't understand this needs to move from the dark ages.

Bud222 · 14/05/2018 07:45

What if it was a case of the woman lying about being on birth control? Then the father says that he's not interested in being in the child's life etc?

Should he then be expected to pay? It's a tough one.

In all other circumstances, the answer is of course yes.

Suebnm · 14/05/2018 07:51

If he's having unprotected sex with one night stands pregnancy won't be the only thing he has to deal with.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 14/05/2018 07:52

He claims he is not going to be there emotionally or financially because the fact he made his stance clear from the get go means he refuses to be held accountable. He is of the opinion that keeping the baby was her decision and they spoke in depth where he made his position clear

I am of the opinion that I shouldn't pay any tax.
Sadly the Law doesn't agree with me, so I have to pay it

mustbemad17 · 14/05/2018 07:59

what if it was a case of the woman lying about being on birth control?

Erm, doesn't change things. If a man does not want a child HE is responsible for wrapping it up. The woman being or not being on contraception is irrelevant. It shouldn't fall to the woman.

This man is in for a nice shock when this baby is born. And rightly so

inniu · 14/05/2018 08:07

I agree he should pay. When a child exists the child had no choice as to who the parents are and the child has a right to be supported.

But do people who are very judgemental and say he should have thought about the possibility of a child say the same about a woman who has a termination if she has a contraception failure as choses a termination if she does not feel ready to have a child?

BanginChoons · 14/05/2018 08:11

It's not about the mother and whatever choices she did or didn't make. When the child is born, it is an actual real person who needs paying for. Of course he should pay!

FrangipaniBlue · 14/05/2018 09:15

Yes.

I have a male friend who was in this position (did use protection but for whatever reason didn't work) and the girl only contacted him to tell him she was pregnant when she was 36wks!!

From the off he told her he couldn't be involved in babies life (wasn't ready to be a parent, lived away and had since met and moved in with someone) but he has always paid maintenance and at a higher rate than CMS determination plus sends cards and gifts every birthday and Christmas.

He also insisted on a paternity first which did turn out that he was the father.

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 09:30

Men should pay because this is about a child. This is being posed as a moral dilemma. It isn't really. Anyone decent recognises that their child should be supported.

Rachie1973 · 14/05/2018 09:35

Bud222
What if it was a case of the woman lying about being on birth control? Then the father says that he's not interested in being in the child's life etc?

Should he then be expected to pay? It's a tough one.

Not really. The onus of protection falls on both willing parties. If he absolutely knew he didn't want a child he should have ensured his own protection as well.

OutofSyncGirl · 14/05/2018 09:39

My youngest daughter's father has never met her. I had an 18 month relationship with him, got pregnant on the coil. His attitude was that since it was my contraception that failed, it was my fault. He buggered off when I was about 12 weeks and I haven't seen or heard from him since, except a telephone call to tell me I'm a c*nt when his family found out he has a daughter. He even tried to deny she's his. The CMS manager to get £400 out of him but since then he no longer works in the UK.

Some men are just not decent people. I really think in my case my daughter is better off without him in her life. She's 9 now and I don't think he'll ever change.

adaline · 14/05/2018 09:39

If I were him I would getting a paternity test done before anything else. He doesn't know this woman at all really.

But then yes, he should be paying maintenance and he'll find that CMS think so as well!

ItsNachoCheese · 14/05/2018 09:40

twdfan you could be talking about my ex when i told him i was pregnant with ds. He refused to accept i was keeping ds and said he wasnt paying CM. Now ds is nearly 3 and hes never met him and he has a deduction order on his wages to pay CM

ItsNachoCheese · 14/05/2018 09:40

Wasnt a ons though was with him nearly 4yrs