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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what people think about this, child maintenance

159 replies

TWDfan · 14/05/2018 00:15

A man has a one night stand that results in the woman becoming pregnant, neither of them were mindful about taking precautions.

He tells the woman from the offset that he isn't ready to have a baby and he doesn't want to be involved, but respects her decision if she chooses to keep the baby and go it alone but makes it clear he won't be a part of the childs life or hers.

Woman keeps the baby knowing the father won't be involved and is prepared to be a single parent, as the due date looms the father begins getting messages about paying for the child.

Should he pay CM?

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 14/05/2018 20:31

You realize opposition to abortion is higher in women than men right?

So what? Women opposing it need to keep their beaks out of other women uteruses too.

Men must take responsibility but women dont? Surely men should have 24 weeks to financially abort

Go on then genius, tell us all how that would work practically? I'll wait here

Christ alive, it shows someone's character when they think a man's right to be irresponsible trumps the welfare of a child

LunaTrap · 14/05/2018 20:31

Mawall why do you think a man should have the right to consequence free sex? At the expense of a child?

pallisers · 14/05/2018 20:33

Surely men should have 24 weeks to financially abort

Fair enough. To do this, though, they will have 2 doctors to sign off. Northern Irish men won't be able to do it at all- and in fact will be prosecuted if they attempt it. The state will have a committee of doctors who will determine the risks of physical abortions and then will randomly apply them to the same proportion of men who financially abort - so always a slight risk of someone saying "sorry you are the unlucky one, you are going to get a needle that will infect you/kill you/make you very uncomfortable for 2 weeks etc"

Oh and they will hve to go to financial abortion clinics which will have protestors shouting abuse at them and someone will squeeze their balls for 20 minutes just so they get as close as possible to the real deal.

PenelopeChipShop · 14/05/2018 20:33

He didn’t make it clear he didn’t want a baby, contrary to what he seems to believe.

Making it crystal clear he didn’t want a baby would have involved USING A CONDOM.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/05/2018 20:35

I presume all those who say he DTD and therefore should face the music oppose abortion?

Confused why on Earth would that be?

LunaTrap · 14/05/2018 20:35

Supporting the right of men to ejaculate without protection and then take no responsibility for the child born as a result is really fucking grim.

Fucketynamechanged · 14/05/2018 20:37

Crystal clear is just not having sex.

Any sex might lead to a baby.

Protection will dramatically reduce the chances, it won't remove them completely

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/05/2018 20:39

Men must take responsibility but women dont?

You think choosing to end an unwanted pregnancy is irresponsible?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/05/2018 20:40

Men and women (in most of the U.K.) have the same rights over their own bodies. That extends to men having the choice about where to put their unprotected penises with all the consequences that may result from that.

Willow2017 · 14/05/2018 20:57

I presume all those who say he DTD and therefore should face the music oppose abortion?

Wtf has that got to do with it? A woman has the choice to either keep it or abort. NEITHER are easy options. But both are her choice.

He DTD he should know how biology works at 28. If he didn't want a baby he should have made sure he bagged it. Its not only the woman's responsibility to prevent pregnancy.

In keeping a baby the woman is putting herself through pregnancy (possibly 9 months of hell) and a life tied to raising a child. Putting her career at risk, having to support a child whatever comes thier way.
A man can bugger of and just pay a token amount towards their keep, if csa can actually enforce it that is. Hardly the easy option for a woman.

LolaLouise · 14/05/2018 21:08

Oppose abortion. Lol. No. Im 100% pro choice. The man has a choice to deposit his sperm inside a woman or a condom. If he leaves it in a woman she has the choice over what she does with it. His say in the matter is done with. He has to take responsibility. They goes even if they wear a condom. If you are adult enough to have sex you are adult enough to understand nothing is 100% certain and theres a remote possibility of this ending in pregnancy. Ill teach my boys to protect themselves as much as they can from that risk - possibly even more than i will teach my daughters. As the boys get no more choices after.

Greenyogagirl · 14/05/2018 21:26

Oppose abortion because a man should be financially responsible for the child he made?
I’ve had an abortion so no.

Greenyogagirl · 14/05/2018 21:31

@in short a woman can negate her obligations but a man is forever tied.

Can you tell my ex that please. Or my dad. Or the hundreds of men who don’t pay maintenance, don’t change their lives and do whatever they want while a woman changes her entire fucking life whatever her decision. Abortion, adoption, keeping the baby all change a woman’s life forever. If you don’t want a baby use a condom, it’s not difficult!

Summerisdone · 14/05/2018 21:36

They both made a mistake, it was a joint thing, but what if the woman had made the decision to not keep the child whilst the man actually wanted it?
In this situation I actually do think it's pretty shifty for the men, they don't really get to make the decision on if to continue the pregnancy or not but then have to deal with the outcome of the woman's decision.

If they had been in a long term relationship and then he fucked off after she got pregnant then I think he should have to financially support, or if he agreed to stand by the child when the ONS woman told him if pregnancy, but later changed his mind then again I think he should have to pay, but in this circumstance he has always been up front, he made his choice immediately and she made hers, so it should not then be on him to have to support her choice.

Fucketynamechanged · 14/05/2018 21:39

@Summerisdone well when we work out how men can carry a pregnancy to term and take all the risks physically and psychologically then men can choose to carry on with the pregnancy and raise the child alone.

And women can pay him maintenance.

We can't currently FYI

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 14/05/2018 22:07

For those saying that a man should chose whether or not he pays as long as he is upfront - can you tell me what a system like that would look like? When and how does he legally sign his financial obligations away? Is there an appeal system? What about if he wants a DNA test first? When does he get this chance - at 4 weeks pregnant? 12 weeks? 36 weeks? Until the baby is 1? I'm curious to know how such a system would work and how you can justify screwing so many children over?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 14/05/2018 22:07

*choose Blush

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 14/05/2018 22:08

And can I also point out that is pretty much all happening now BTW when men owe children £4billion in the U.K. alone in child maintenance.

Now why, just why would you want to make it easier for so many men to shirk their financial responsibilities??

Willow2017 · 14/05/2018 22:18

he has always been up front, he made his choice immediately and she made hers, so it should not then be on him to have to support her choice.

He made his choice when he had unprotected sex. Its really that simple.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/05/2018 22:27

so it should not then be on him to have to support her choice.

He’s supporting his own choice. He chose to risk creating a baby, that was his choice. Paying for the baby is one of the consequences. The only one he is legally obliged to take responsibility for. He’s scum if he refuses to fulfil his emotional and physical responsibility to his child btw. Absolute scum.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/05/2018 22:28

Some people literally (and I genuinely mean literally) don’t know the meaning of the word responsibility.

Booie09 · 14/05/2018 22:29

I think he should pay....but they are both to blame for the situation!! They both went ahead and didn't use proper protection.

Catinthecorner · 15/05/2018 01:09

I’m open to a system where a man can ‘abort’ his responsibilities. But first he must have a vasectomy. If at any point in the future he has this reversed he becomes liable for the child support he would have paid.

Wonder how many men would take that deal?

Puffycat · 15/05/2018 01:18

Indeediedo

Andrewofgg · 15/05/2018 02:56

I wouldn’t blame him for asking for DNA first (and he must pay for it) - but if it’s positive he must of course pay CM.