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Original poster

To not understand why some parents refuse to pay proper maintenance?

389 replies

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:11

Yes I know, its because they are arseholes. I know that. But I still don't emotionally understand how someone cares so little about their own children that they refuse to pay maintenance, or pay as little as they can get away with. What this really means is you don't care if your child has everything they need.

OP posts:
colditz · 14/05/2018 15:35

Or very young and totally sold on the tale of how much BETTER you are than his ex.

My ex pays nothing. He sees ds2 for 6 hours a week and ds1 for 3 hours every 6 months. He doesn’t understand ds1 or ds1’s dislike of babies. His parter dislikes ds1 and takes his lack of interest in her children personally. She resents that he wouldn’t stay for a barbecue at her mothers house when he was 9. He has autism and they know this Hmm

Exp quit his job when his daughter, not my child, was born. That was six and a half years ago and he has worked cash in since, pausing only to commit fraud against me with his girlfriend helping. He doesn’t pay maintenance but at this point I don’t think I’d accept it because it would be stolen from someone else. He’s an abject piece of shit and his girlfriend is a fucking moron. They’re children are poorly cared for and known to social services. Ds2 is only allowed to go because he’s 12 and can ring me to come home. Before he turned 12 he went to the contact centre

flamingofridays · 14/05/2018 15:41

Even though it’s loads cheaper being a NRP

that is bollocks if ever I heard it. well it is for us anyway! I would say we pay out about the same!

when dss lived with his mum we paid
maintenance
uniform
clothes
shoes
food electric gas etc when with us
pocket money
school dinners
bus fair half the week
anything else she fancied requesting

now we pay
the same but,
no maintenance
more food/gas electric
bus fair all week rather than half the week

flamingofridays · 14/05/2018 15:44

If you have the money, why would you not want your kids to be able to do afterschool activities, go on nice days out, go on holidays, have a bedroom to themselves that is nicely decorated? None of this is essential, but if you can provide it, why not

you can give all that directly to the child. They can have a bedroom nicely decorated at the NRP's house. The bedroom at the RP's house is surely their own responsibility? NRP can take kids on their own holidays and pay for own clubs.

Why does it have to go through the RP?

basically you're saying give the RP more money so they can have and do nice things with the child, whilst you look like you don't do anything even though you're basically funding it all?

RoadToRivendell · 14/05/2018 15:45

Crunchy, if you pay the maintenance and pay for their clubs, why would you then pay for them to have days out with the RP if you are also paying for days out with them yourselves?

I agree with this. Post-divorce, formerly SAHPs (SAHMs, really) need to move into employment once their children are in school and pay their own way. As bad as it is to not pay for your non-resident children, it's equally bad to rely upon an ex to support you indefinitely. Poisons the well entirely.

cathf · 14/05/2018 15:51

Silly people on here making blanket statements based on their own - often very specific circumstances.
Can you not see that just about every case is unique in some way?
Do I generally support the right of NRPs to duck paying to support their children? Of course not, obviously. But I support my DH not paying, because in his specific case, his ex made him spend a fortune to try to see his own children. Revenge? Certainly, the same as a lot of pps on here are motivated by revenge, but that's OK if you are the RP, apparently.
Accord ingredients to some posters on this thread, my DH should not have gone on to have our two children, even though he literally never sees his first two, thanks to his ex.
In really bitter splits, the only amuntion the RP has is often the children, and the only amuntion the NRP has is money. Some - not all - RPs embroider the truth to justify blocking contact, and that is considered OK too, apparently.
Just as every NRP is not a feckless waste of space, every RP is not a innocent victim.
Some on this thread seem to struggle with that concept.

colditz · 14/05/2018 15:55

Cath I’m sure my ex’s new girlfriend support his shitty decisions too, but that doesn’t make it right.

cathf · 14/05/2018 16:02

I am not a new girlfriend. We have been married 14 years.
So it's ok to block contact then? To send a letter, supposedly dictated by a two-year-old saying my DH has ruined his life and he hates him? But loves poor mummy?
I will stand by my dh's 'shitty decision' bacause as I said just now, RPs can be shits too.

Metoodear · 14/05/2018 16:03

pallisers Yes totally agree my auntie lives in the US and my uncle refused to pay child support so he was held in contempt of court went to jail for 60 days still wouldn’t pay so the took ownership of his assets and gave him the change he owed about 47k

The US treat this much mor seriously you can’t get a marriage license or drivers on some states it can even effect you getting a mortgage because quite rightly if you can’t afford to pay for your kids then you can’t afford to buy a house or drive or re marry

Metoodear · 14/05/2018 16:04

cathf

Weather your dh sees his child or not the child still needs to eat he behaviour matters but you don’t get to neglect your child because mum is being a dick Andy not feeding or clothing your child is neglect

Metoodear · 14/05/2018 16:05

DH should not have gone on to have our two children, even though he literally never sees his first two, thanks to his ex.

Have a BiscuitConfused

Shows point exactly out of sight out of mind for some

Frequency · 14/05/2018 16:06

I had a great career when I met my ex, with great prospects. Obviously, when I fell pregnant, I went on MAT leave and was then railroaded into giving up my career entirely by my EA ex-H. Naturally he then became financially abusive too.

I can't go back to the same career because it was in catering and hospitality management. Late nights and parenting pre-teens alone don't mix well.

I'm now stuck in a dead end, NMW job that I am over-qualified for. Had it been the other way around and my ex took care of the children while I worked, I'd still have my career but it wasn't the other way around. I was the one who axed my earning potential to raise our child, so yeah, I do expect him to provide enough for the child he begged for to live well while she's in my care (again as per his request). Giving up his own earning potential to raise her isn't something he's keen on doing.

cathf · 14/05/2018 16:07

Actually Metoodear, I would agree with stronger danctions for those who won't pay.
But my proviso would be there has to be some thought given for justification for not paying too.
It's not fair to continue to assume all NRPs don't pay because they are arses, and all RPs are paragons of innocent virtue.

DaisysStew · 14/05/2018 16:11

cathf

So you think it’s acceptable to punish his child to get back at his ex? Because that is who the money is for.

Bottom line is every single child is entitled to financial support from both parents, regardless of how those parents feel about each other or how they act towards each other. Plain and simple. And to withhold it out of spite makes for a poor excuse for a parent and a human being.

Helpmeplan · 14/05/2018 16:13

Cath I'm with you on this.

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 16:13

Cath - no it is not an excuse not to pay maintenance. And taking revenge out on the kids is just shitty behaviour.

OP posts:
Helpmeplan · 14/05/2018 16:13

Cath is not saying that. Cath is agreeing that all nrps should pay. Fml.

Highhorse1981 · 14/05/2018 16:14

flamingofridays

What an odd thing to say.

I was simply saying that even though I receive CM from my ex and it may seem a lot on paper, it needs to be seen in the context of how much the father is earning.
1 of him
3 of me (me and the children)

And yet he is getting £4500 a month and I’ll be getting £2350. Plus of course his £50k minimum bonus, which I will get 10% of next year and then nothing from thenon.

I’m not bitter because he is a very good honest man and I am comfortable. And we have managed to forge a strong positive relationship as ex husband and wife. However I don’t think the CM calculator is fair because weighted so much in favour of the payer

RoadToRivendell · 14/05/2018 16:14

cathf I have to wonder how a nice guy would wind up in such a diabolical situation.

I"m sure it's possible, but it doesn't seem probable.

cathf · 14/05/2018 16:19

Meetoo, we crossposted.
Are you completely incapable of considering the possibility that sometimes NRP have to give up the fight for everyone's sanity?
Our case was 14 years ago, so I think - hope - judges are more enlightened now.
But my DH had to spend £25,000 on court and solicitors' fees to try to see his boys, and each time my would block contact.
The CAFCAS report said his ex was frustrating contact and unduely influencing the children against their father.
At mum's request, he was forced to see the children in a contact centre 'to allay mum's fears' and when she was prevented from attending, the children screamed and clung to her as she TD them she would not allow anyone to hurt them. Contact staff later found Easter eggs my DH had given his ex for the children stuffed into a bin.
When his ex's legal aid ran out, she started to apply for it for her son so he could fight not to see his father, even though he could tell no-one why.
After a year, the children had been whipped into such a state of hysteria, it was in no-ones interested to carry on.
Out of sight, out of mind? Are you serious?

flamingofridays · 14/05/2018 16:23

because weighted so much in favour of the payer

how is it highhorse?

your ex deserves to keep his % of his earnings, because he is the one earning it, not you.

Why do you think you deserve more?!

cathf · 14/05/2018 16:27

You're kind of proving my point River.
People are generally happy to believe the RP's version of events but question the NRP's

feelinggoodinspring · 14/05/2018 16:30

If you have the money, why would you not want your kids to be able to do afterschool activities, go on nice days out, go on holidays, have a bedroom to themselves that is nicely decorated?

You see, apart from the after school activities I don't see holidays/days out with the rp and their bedroom at the rp's house a joint cost. So I don't see why the nrp should consider these costs.

Do you see holidays/days out with the nrp and the bedroom at their house as a joint cost? Thought not.

Frequency · 14/05/2018 16:32

your ex deserves to keep his % of his earnings, because he is the one earning it, not you

And he is able to earn it because Highhorse is doing the vast majority of raising the children. Just as my ex is able to work full time in a proper career and run his property empire because he doesn't have to worry about being home between 3:30pm and 8am the next morning to raise his child.

Why is that not taken into consideration more? The RP's earning potential is greatly reduced by being the RP and having to be the one who needs to arrange work around childcare options.

Original poster
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 16:32

A bedroom at the resident parents house is a joint cost. It is where the child lives.

OP posts:
CoupleOfPushBacks · 14/05/2018 16:34

Wait what??!

My ex was desperate for his DS, I wasn't sure on continuing.

It's been 18 months since I saw him & he even denied paternity. He only pays because he has to. It's minimal and done because he has no other way out.

He's not interested in his son, he's forced to take responsibility financially.

He made a conscious decision to make a child, yet walked away at the earliest opportunity. He's a cunt