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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand why some parents refuse to pay proper maintenance?

389 replies

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 00:11

Yes I know, its because they are arseholes. I know that. But I still don't emotionally understand how someone cares so little about their own children that they refuse to pay maintenance, or pay as little as they can get away with. What this really means is you don't care if your child has everything they need.

OP posts:
Bbbbbbbb2017 · 14/05/2018 12:23

My ex pays for our kids by DEO, not by choice. He has a no contact court order and hasn't seen them due to it in 16 months but I'm still evil for taking his money. He left our kids fatherless, he can at least pay for them.

feelinggoodinspring · 14/05/2018 12:27

It depends on how much they earn (they have their own bills to pay too), they could be having their child 50/50 or more, paying for things in kind rather than paying maintenance/extra maintenance etc...

Highhorse1981 · 14/05/2018 12:28

On paper I am very very generously “paid” by my ex.

Two children (5&8)

£2950 a month
Will fall to £2350 in July and continue at this rate until the youngest is 18 (15 years to go).

I receive child tax credits because they don’t factor in CM payments in to their calculations.

And I will be returning to a fairly high paying job but CM won’t change.

So all in all, I’m very comfortable

BUT

My ex is a VERY high earner (£150k plus £50k bonus and he’s in early/mid forties so career trajectory is going up up up). He has the children 2-4 nights a month.

So on paper seems fantastic but when compared with what he, as a single man, Is taking Home and his future earnings - well, it’s not quite so black and white.

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 12:30

mum Okay thanks. Very few rapists are ever convicted. So yes many rapists will be getting access.

OP posts:
crunchymint · 14/05/2018 12:32

feelinggood Paying for things in kind does not make up for not paying maintenance. These are Disney dads who want to buy expensive presents, but not pay for the boring ongoing costs of raising a child.

OP posts:
feelinggoodinspring · 14/05/2018 12:35

My dp should technically be paying nothing according to the cms website because he is currently out of work and his dc is here half of the week. But he still pays maintenance and pays towards extras. His ex still complains that it isn't enough but we are not rolling in money at the moment so he is doing the best he can. We have all had to cut back and are ALL affected as a family by his loss of earnings, not just her.

feelinggoodinspring · 14/05/2018 12:39

OP, it does make up for it in some cases though. I'm not on about expensive gifts like play stations etc.. That's not what I meant at all.
Some separated parents agree that instead of maintenance the nrp pays for x and y instead of maintenance. Especially when contact is pretty much half and half.

flamingofridays · 14/05/2018 12:39

highhorse I don't think you can say you're very comfortable BUT

no, you're very comfortable end of.

Turnocks34 · 14/05/2018 12:42

My SIL ex is an arsehole like this. Earns £600 a week, and gives SIL £50 for their daughter. Her nursery fees are £150 a week.

No clue how, and why he thinks that he shouldn’t have to contribute to her food, clothes, clubs etc.

A good friend of mine split from her husband a few years ago, he has paid all nursery fees, then before and after school clubs as well as a good chunk over the amount CMS recommended. They have a really good co parenting relationship too.

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 12:47

flaming Kids not living with the partner paying maintenance, deserve as good a lifestyle as if they were living with that partner. That does not happen.
feelinggood I see what you mean.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 14/05/2018 12:53

crunchy when you say that does not happen? you can surely only speak from your personal experience?

What happens when the RP was the higher earner anyway, the child is going to have the same lifestyle regardless of what the NRP pays anyway if they weren't the big earner anyway.

to look at it from a different aspect, DSS lives with us (the RP) and has a better lifestyle than he did when DP and ex lived together. That is however, not thanks to her tiny contribution of maintenance.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 14/05/2018 12:55

You can have an amazing quality of lifestyle on benefits and 2500 matinence a month. I get benefits and 230 matinence a month and we are comfortable

hotstepper4 · 14/05/2018 12:58

It's not always because they are arse holes that's a sweeping generalisation.

My exh has residency of my ds and I give him the bare minimum, this is because I know he spends it on takeaways and alcohol, not on ds. I buy all of ds clothes and shoes in addition to the maintenance.

There's always two sides to every story. Some RPs love flaunting to the NRPs what they are using their money for.

Metoodear · 14/05/2018 13:03

I think often it’s power and control tbh it’s
My ex told me it’s not that I can’t afford it I just don’t want to

Highhorse1981 · 14/05/2018 13:03

flamingofridays

Very simplistic response

You have no idea of my outgoings.

flamingofridays · 14/05/2018 13:05

no, I don't but you have just told us you are comfortable and the BUT was because of what your ex has.

You didn't say I get a lot of money but I have 300,000 debt to pay back, or have a mortgage on a castle.

Metoodear · 14/05/2018 13:06

hotstepper4😦🤔

That’s what my
Ex said about me so with all respect Biscuit that line is over used

NotDavidTennant · 14/05/2018 13:07

I think the reality is that men are generally not brought up in our society to prioritise children and child rearing.

Some men just naturally have a strong parental instinct and form a strong emotional bond with their kids, and some men don't have that bond but have a strong sense of duty towards their family, but for men who have neither a strong bond nor a strong sense of duty it sadly seems to be quite easy just to walk away from their kids and forget about them.

Metoodear · 14/05/2018 13:11

Because I couldn’t be “trusted” with princely sum of £30 I was told he would do a food shop for ds instead then one day came the phone call from safe way shop has come to £30.89p what do you want me to put back

Told him to fudge off 😕complete dick

Then I asked him fine just get ds a weekly hair cut ds is black so needs it doing often he told me the barbers are closed what fudgeing 6 times in a row said how come when I go they are always open and ready to take my
Money

Metoodear · 14/05/2018 13:15

NotDavidTennant Personally I think it’s because it’s easy to find others who will tolerate your behaviour eeven though you have already aboned a child

We’re as a woman who abandoned her child would be views very differently and have few men who would consider her seriously as a partner
But it seems this fucktards have the ladies queuing round the block

So many threads about how they can get their dh put of paying
Or how it’s not fair they can’t holiday in Jamaica because dss
Needs money for PGL or a coat

Highhorse1981 · 14/05/2018 13:19

flamingofridays

Because I believe any judgement of CM should be seen in the context of the earnings of the payee

Thehogfather · 14/05/2018 13:20

Dds father hasn't ever paid a penny, despite being a relatively high earner. Dd is now 14, and over the years there have been various reasons, including being self employed, pretending to be disabled, cash in hand, moving quickly etc. The real reason imo is that he is a sociopath, and initially at least it was a way to still get at me when his previous abusive behaviour was no longer a way to harm me. Luckily he doesn't see her so he can't mess her about emotionally.

I'm average salary, just above tax credit entitlement and having been in poverty when she was little I'm good at making it stretch, and for various other reasons dd has a quality of life better than some dc from homes with twice my income. But that's not what bothers me.

What hurts is the fact he couldn't give a fuck whether dd is provided for or not, and knowing that sooner or later, probably when/ if dd has her own dc she'll realise just how worthless he considers her. And to a lesser extent that if he'd paid, dd could have had the same lifestyle and more than enough in the bank to put her through uni and a sizeable house deposit. Not to mention some of the bleaker times when she was little wouldn't have happened.

I've also been out with two people who paid legal minimum through csa. The first did so because his ex spent the 50% of his salary he originally paid on herself, and he couldn't afford to pay all her rent, bills, and everything for the dc from the half he kept. So he paid her the legal minimum, and then paid all her bills, food shopping, everything for dc as voluntary on top. As well as having dc 70/80% of the time.

Second person initially said he had dc half the time, and split all extras. In reality he saw himself as the hero for occasionally 'babysitting' whilst she went out. To work. And paid the minimum late and with arrears. His ex and I became good friends as are our dc who we introduced after I'd split with him and his ex and I got friendly.

Helpmeplan · 14/05/2018 13:20

I think the point that is being missed here is that every circumstance is different. There is no one solution. Bashing all nrps is grossly unfair, and not all nrps are men.

As an aside, I just ran a calculator on the cms website based on my income paying for 1 child with 0 at home, and then with 1 at home and the difference was £6 per week. Which barely touches the side for any child.

Are we really arguing over this sort of amount?

Stompythedinosaur · 14/05/2018 13:22

Providing adequately for your dc is a very basic requirement. I can only think that parents who fail to do this (or care more about controlling/harming their ex than providing for their child) have not properly bonded with their child.

BubblesThaDragoon · 14/05/2018 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.