If you're always late, can I ask why?

[CulinaryUnderbelly]

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

I am always running late. I have too much to do, too much work, too many house problems, too many kids with needs.

tbh, reading the zero tolerance attitudes here makes me wish folk would just post it on the FB or something. Then I could withdraw from the friendship fairly painlessly.

Shitting sheep rolling in mud sounds familiar!

@hainault it’s not the people who are 10 minutes late that people are complaining about.

Everyone understands that public transport and kids mean that people might be late and I think most people wouldn’t even notice someone was late if it’s less than 20 minutes.

It’s the people who are habitually an hour late with no good reason, no apology and no text to say sorry, I’m running late.

ADHD for me. Undiagnosed until I was 27.

Before I knew about this my answer would have genuinely been "I don't know".

I don't intend to be late. It's not that I care more about other things.

It boils down to having extremely poor time management, which is a skill I can't learn. I rely almost entirely on external tools to do this for me now that I recognise it's an issue, but that still means that I need to actively recognise this is a situation which is likely to require reliance on these tools, and set them up. I'm also very bad at preparation which relates to struggling to anticipate what is likely to be required for a task, even a relatively simple or repetitive one, such as leaving the house. I have issues spotting patterns of behaviour too, so the diagnosis has been useful to me so that I can get some sense of where I'm likely to be going wrong and can set up systems to counteract this.

The most common causes of me being late are that I don't leave enough time to get somewhere/get ready, which is partly due to crap time management and also because I have trouble sequencing events and I don't really see all of these little things as being part of getting ready. Or that I've forgotten something and had to go back or detour in order to replace it, or sometimes that I've got lost and gone to the wrong place or couldn't find the place I was aiming to get to.

MiL does it because she likes the idea of people waiting for her - and likes to make an entrance.

She's always exactly 1 hours late to meet people but on time for transport and work.

If we need to be somewhere I say we need to be there an hour before we do. I think she's wised up to it though..

Is it really such a personal affront if someone is a bit late to meet you? Do you really need to read it as a comment about the perceived relative value of your time? Whatever that even means. Some people are very busy, not very organised, not morning people... What is 15 or 30mins here and there between friends? IME those who take great offence at lateness are insecure.

I would add also when you continually have problems like this and have no idea why and nothing you try seems to work (as I'd try the leaving 5 mins earlier thing but still mysteriously end up 5 mins late and I couldn't work out what the issue was) you can end up with huge anxiety and shame around it so that the prospect of sending a text saying "Stuck in traffic, but will be with you in 10 mins!" or "Sorry, had to nip into Boots but en route now! Will be there by 3.15" can seem crushing because people's reactions in the past have sometimes been so bad that you just develop this hopeless optimism that somehow, somehow you might beat the rest of the traffic or find a parking space in 1 min flat and not have to do that.

Again, with understanding - I can see that normal people don't feel SUCH a weight of shame about the idea of being a bit late and that it's much much better to communicate than leave the person hanging but in the past I might have avoided texting to let them know, because I was embarrassed.

MsP0b RTFT
I'm talking about someone being 30 minutes to 1 hour late

As a person who is always on time, if not early, I cannot abide people who are constantly late.
Bloody rude!

When someone can be on time for work, business meetings, planes to go on holiday and all the other things they manage just fine with, there's no reason in the world that will convince me they can't manage the same for meeting meeting friends/family.

Executive dysfuntion due to autism. But nobody apart from very close family know that I am autistic so i guess some people will think im a selfish mare who values my time over theirs, when its not the case at all. Those that matter, my friends, even the ones that dont know about my autism have just accepted that i am usually running late and plan accordingly. They have never held it against me and just see it as who i am. When im late its usually down to being poorly organised, or over estimating how much time i have, or underestimating how much time it takes to do things. And Im consistently late to pretty much everything.

I never arrange to meet friends at specific times, we will usually text when leaving and work it that way. I have a friend with ADHD who used to be very late, I just say I’m on my way long before I am to account for that because I wouldn’t lose our friendship over his bad timekeeping.

Someone in my family is always 60-90 minutes late every single time. When it's my turn to host dinner (once or twice a year), they are told the time dinner will be served and I serve it with or without them (usually without and they turn up half way through).

I'm often a bit late. 15 mins max.

I just underestimate how long stuff takes and underestimate how long a journey takes.

Get in a flap on departure. Normally worse when trying to get dc out the door.

But can be late for work too.

I'm never late when I'm on my own. I'm quite often late when I have my baby as she has quite the talent to poo at the worst times.

When going to things with baby I make sure I pack stuff ahead of time. I also plan to be there before the time I need to be there, which means with the usual poosplosion I am actually on time.

I'm often late by at least fifteen minutes never much more though, I'm just trying to do too much and if one thing takes longer or I get stuck in traffic, or get out of work late (often) it has a knock on effect , so now even if I aim to meet a friend at one I'll say to them 1:15-1:30 worst case scenario I'm bang on (my original) time and can have a 15 minute breather. Never late for really important things though, weddings, funerals etc

Plenty of chronically late people have explained it is NOT a case of thinking their time is more important or not caring. I have never in my life thought that I'm more important or felt that I didn't care about the people I was meeting.

Similar to others I have anxiety and depression and sometimes find it a monumental struggle to get out of bed. Public transport is not always on time. And it's not like I pick and choose what I'm late to - I'm frequently late to social occasions, work, doctors and dentists, hair appointments, meetings... I don't do it on purpose. It's a lot of factors including stress and anxiety.

But I honestly really don't mind if other people are late or cancel on me at short notice. I think I'm very flexible and my friends have never voiced any irritation at my lateness.

Similarly to others, if I invite someone to my house at 4pm, I'd much rather they arrive at 4.30 than at 3.55 when I might not be ready yet.

I agree with the early irritation too, if I've invited you round for 7pm I'll be relaxed and ready with a drink in hand and one waiting for you by 6:45, but turn up at 6(yes I have a family member who is that early, frequently) and I will be drying my hair or cooking or getting DH to have a whip round with the hoover etc so no I don't appreciate it.

10 -20 minutes late fine, 20 -30 minutes late I ask where they have been, especially if you haven't had the gumptionto ring and explain. Any time after that I go home or find something else to do.

OP, I had a friend exactly like this. After 10 years I ended the friendship when he was late one time too many. I miss him occasionally but by the end the stress and frustration of every interaction with him outweighed any pleasure I got from his company.

It is interesting how quite a few people have said they are late because they are busy. Pretty sure the person you're meeting is also busy.

Like most people I have to run things to a pretty tight schedule with children/job etc. So if I am meeting someone for a coffee it is often in a gap between drop-off and then the next appointment I have that day. So if someone was half an hour to an hour late and I had mentally allocated an hour or so for coffee then it is just wasted time.

But I think it is fine if those who are late are happy to accept someone leaving after half an hour waiting if they haven't text with a reason.

I have a dear friend who is habitually late andI absolutely know that she doesn’t think she is somehow more important than me, or anyone else she keeps waiting. I find it fascinating how she manages to be late to all sorts of things - work meetings, coffee with friends, school events. I’ve discussed it with her and I think it comes from a place of (over) optimism. As -coffee- said, she thinks that a 20 minute journey that she makes regularly takes 10 mins. It makes no sense. She will text to say “just leaving. See you in 10” when that is simply a physical impossibility. I don’t have a drive and live in a busy town. She never thinks to leave time to find a parking spot despite the fact that it’s always a bother finding one.
I’ve also noticed she barely ever checks her watch. If we’re having coffee and she has a business meeting half an hour’s drive away afterwards, she still doesn’t keep an eye on the time. I do it for her. We are great friends. It would not be rude to say ‘sorry, I must go’ to me, but she just won’t do it. This is how she lives her life. She won’t ever bring one thing to an end so she can get to the next thing on time. She’s not unaware but it seems to be a lack of confidence that causes most of it. It’s certainly not arrogance.
I always start at the time I’m supposed to be somewhere and work backwards. To be in the cafe at 11am means in the car park by 10.45 am, which means in the car at 10.15 am, which means gathering up keys, coat etc by 10 am. My family laugh at me because I build in so much time for traffic and parking that we’re usually all standing around in the cinema for half an hour - but we never miss the start of the movie!

My MIL is terrible, always late. Not by a few minutes but by an hour or so, she faffs about too much.

On my DS Birthday a few years ago she called to say she was leaving to come and visit us and would be there soon (we live 20 min drive from her. 2.5hrs later she still hadn’t arrived, we called her to tell her we had other plans to do (visit my parents) and she was cocking up our day - she had the cheek to get arsy with us! Turns out she’d gone to do some shopping before coming to us.

Another time - at my BIL (her son’s) wedding last year. We’d all spent the night in a hotel and met up for breakfast on the day of the wedding. We’d finished breakfast by 9am and were being picked up by coach at midday. Three hours we ALL had to get ready including the bride & groom. Guess who still arrived late in reception with a face like a slapped arse complaining she wasn’t ready and hasn’t been able to put her fascinator on. What was she doing in that time?!

She’s taking us to the airport next week when we go away which I am grateful for but it’s beginning to worry me.

My narc mother always deliberately arrives late for any engagement just as her way of imposing her importance and superiority over people, and the more she knows people are waiting for her the later she'll make herself.

my friends have never voiced any irritation at my lateness. Similarly to others, if I invite someone to my house at 4pm, I'd much rather they arrive at 4.30 than at 3.55 when I might not be ready yet.

So you’re happy to inconvenience others by making them wait around for you, but you don’t like to be inconvenienced yourself?