If you're always late, can I ask why?

[CulinaryUnderbelly]

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

OLIVE - ^I have noticed that most people who are chronically late to meet friends etc still manage to get to work on time and catch trains and planes.

So they obviously have the skills to tell the time when it’s suits them.^

I'm a 'reformed late person'. For work, it was generally the case that I didn't have to think about how long things would take and plan out my morning/journey - The alarm went off, I could snooze it once and then needed to be in the shower. I had points in the morning routine I knew I had to be doing certain things, like the traffic and travel update on the radio was when I was doing my make up, if I wasn't on make up yet, I was running late! Knowing I had the history of being late, I would start giving insane amount of time, and would gradually move towards a morning schedule that would work - that habitually on time people could just work out for themselves...

However when meeting other people, I'd have to plan from scratch when to leave and what times I had to be at what stage of readiness.

I typical problem was not being able to plan properly for being on time for something. EG. going for a hair cut. I knew it was about a 10 minute drive to the hairdressers, so would plan to leave the house at 1:45pm for a 2pm appointment and then be surprised I was late.

Except it was a 10 minute drive, and I had to get out the door, oh yes, I would want to take something to read as I didn't like their magazines - just run back upstairs and grab my book.... Then DH had been driving my car and needed to set up the seat and mirrors... all adding 2-3 minutes to my journey time.

Then I wouldn't just drive straight to the hairdressers door, but to the carpark across the road. Would need to find a parking space, walk to the ticket machine, buy a ticket, return to my car to put the ticket in and wait for the crossing to get to the salon. None of this would be factored in.

Plus while estimating how long it takes to do a drive or walk anywhere, I realised I would estimate on the fastest ever time. I wouldn't really take 10 minutes to drive to the area the salon is in, it would average more like 12 minutes, 10 only if all the lights were with me and there was no traffic. While a habitually on time person would say "sometimes I've done that journey in 10 minutes, sometimes in 15, usually more like 12, I'll say it's a 15 minute drive." a habitually late person would think if they had ever done a journey in 10 minutes, it's a 10 minute journey, and allow 10 minutes for it.

My mum has been late for everything in her life, but then she's one of life's faffers, so it makes it harder as she wants to fit in a list of stuff before she leaves the house, and can't comprehend the idea that she doesn't have time to do them. She wouldn't feel 'late' for a 2pm appointment until it was 2:01pm, even if she was still 10 minutes away at 1:58pm. At that point she wasn't late yet. It's taken a long time to 'unlearn' the lessons.

Aspergers and adhd, really effects every part of my life re the time keeping, struggled to keep a job very long luckily enough in a job now that has no official start time and home based, you just have to make sure your work is done which is a huge huge help.
My best friend moved abroad so my friends are just online now, so never have to do the in person meetup thing, so combo of this and job means I don’t really piss off anyone with my timekeeping now as I did when younger, I can appreciate how annoying and frustrating it must of been waiting if I was late or cancelled last minute.

CuriousaboutSamphire and anyone else I was rude to - I beg your pardon. I shouldn't have said I was nicer than anyone, but it does wind me up when people are so snooty about lateness, which is a) not always voluntary and b) very culturally variable, as already pointed out.

I'm from a culture where punctuality isn't really prized, particularly in social situations, and still struggle to get my head around the idea of being offended by lateness, as opposed to being annoyed.

Being early for a social occasion at somebody's house, on the other hand, is genuinely rude, isn't it?

For the people who think 'well, if she can get her children to school on time....' consider this: I do get my three children to school on time (almost always) but I'd say it leaves me in tears at least once or twice a week. If your demand on me as a friend is to put myself under that much pressure, I'm better off with you walking away. I'm sad if that has cost me friends, but that's not something I can change.

Im a weird mixture of late and early. If it's daytime and I'm not at work I always leave too much time and arrive massively early. If I'm late for work it's because getting out of bed is like dragging me from the bottom of the sea...if I'm late to see people after work it's because someone at work has waylayed me.

Oops, meant to put a smiley winky thing in after the line about being early being rude. That was a joke.

just wanted to understand why people who are late don't seem to realise that it's hurtful to the person who is waiting.

Because that’s not universally the case. Because many of us really don’t want to feel we’re living our social lives to a strict timetable.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore

"Oh, and I'm late for work pretty much every day too, so it's not like I can be on time if I really want to be."

Really? How not? And have you ever been questioned in work regarding your time keeping?

You also say you're a perfectionist? Find that really hard to believe as perfectionists want everything to be perfect- including their time keeping!

I have adult ADD and always allow too much time to get ready and get somewhere and so end up getting there too early. I think it’s a coping mechanism re my disorganisation.

My dh is like this. In his case, he doesn't like waiting so just prefers to be a little late for everything. He doesn't cancel events though and is never too late. But it does mean that others end up waiting for him.

What is it then, PrimalLass?

The OP just asked either/or. I answered.

There are many other reasons, as previous posters have given.

Kids
Busyness
Over committed and not wanting to cancel (as apparently also cancelling the day before is a no no)
Self esteem
Disorganisation
Cultural

My mother is chronically late for everything and always has been. I think it's inconsiderate but certainly there's no malice in it, and no judgement about how important the other person's time is. For her it is disorganisation and planning and she gets more stressed about it than the person she's late for.

The thing is, she genuinely doesn't think she's going to be late but as she's about to leave the house she'll remember she hasn't done x, y or z so will rush around doing those things and miss the train. She's always 15-30 mins late and always apologetic. It's never going to change, so I just tell her the thing starts 30 mins early.

Other times it's cultural. I lived in Spain for 2 years when I was younger and 8 meant 'from 8, but more like 9 or 10'. If you showed up at 8 the hosts would be surprised (if they were even there themselves!)

“just wanted to understand why people who are late don't seem to realise that it's hurtful to the person who is waiting.”

But you’re assuming they don’t realise or care... that might be the case, it might not be.

Like I said, I’m either late or early... it’s got nothing to do with what I’m not on time for, it stresses me a lot when I’m late and I apologise because I realise full well it’s not nice, and I try really hard to be actually on time, it just doesn’t happen.

EastMidsMummy

Because many of us really don’t want to feel we’re living our social lives to a strict timetable

We make arrangements to coincide with other people. And when they let us down, it can make us feel pretty crap

Sometimes I am late but it will be because there is only one road to and from where I live and if there are road works or an accident ....I will be late.

Because I’m autistic so for me managing time and attempting to do things quickly and on time is hugely stressful and usually futile.

Coffee I do exactly that - leave ten minutes for a ten minute journey according to google maps and forget about faffing and contingencies.

I also take too much on - there are simply not enough hours in the day. I end up racing from meeting to meeting and then typing final emails while I'm changing my shoes and packing my bag to run for the train home.

I am also a night owl and often feel groggy and hungover in the morning, which makes getting out of the house on time a struggle.

So, a variety of reasons in my case, and none of them vaguely about thinking my time is more important than someone else's.

It is simple, if you want to be somewhere on time you will be. Excluding unforeseen circumstances, like traffic accidents holding you up etc.

The habitually late just don't care enough.

I am not an organised person by nature but I am very rarely late for anything. You absolutely can learn to be more organised if you care enough.

If you are late all the time and don't do anything to change it because 'that is just how you are' then you just don't care about people waiting around for you. Parents of children with special needs and people with disabilities excluded of course. I understand that there are exceptions.

Of all the late people I know, all of them seem to manage to be on time for work, so it isn't like they can't do it.

If someone is just coming round for a coffee and catch up I don't mind them being a bit late. I can't stand it when people are late for meeting you somewhere, especially when they can't even be arsed to let you know.

We have friends like this, we love them dearly but it does start to grate. They don’t have kids and since we had a child it became quite noticible, before if we’d meet up in a bar or for laid back meal we wouldn’t mind sitting waiting having a drink etc if they were going to be a bit late. But suddenly we’d say we’d meet for lunch somewhere at 12 and be sat there with hungry child with all the things we needed to keep him sweet and they’d turn up over half an hour late.

Exactly U2

The habitually late just don't care enough.

The habitually late just don't care enough.

So you know the answer to your question, and are still trying to pretend it was a genuine one?

But suddenly we’d say we’d meet for lunch somewhere at 12 and be sat there with hungry child with all the things we needed to keep him sweet and they’d turn up over half an hour late.

In this situation, I'd order my food and my childs and eat it. When the friends arrived I'd chat for 15- 20 minutes then leave. They had their chance, I wouldnt be waiting for them.

I don’t like being late, but sometimes it is unavoidable.

I don’t drive (not by choice, I’m not allowed to drive due to a medical condition). Therefore I have to rely on public transport. I meet friends about once a month for Sunday lunch. Getting to them involves a 2 hour bus journey. There is one bus an hour. If the bus is on time, I will get to the venue 10 min early. I’m late about 25% of the time. Do you really think I should aim for the earlier bus (meaning I’d be at the venue at least an hour early 75% of the time)? Just to avoid sometimes being a bit late?

My dh is like this. In his case, he doesn't like waiting so just prefers to be a little late for everything.

Pretty arrogant and selfish then. He doesn't like waiting so he makes everyone else wait

Being late is my massive massive bug bare. I’m always early for things, I think in 11 years in the same job I’ve been late once because my car wouldn’t start yet the same people are late every day.
It’s the same with school every day when I’m driving home from drop off I see the same mums speeding along because they’re late. It’s only around 5-10 minutes late so surely they’d think maybe we should get up 5 minutes earlier or set off 5 minutes earlier.

In your case absolutely not hainault you make an effort and have a reason. Thats completely different from someone who just doesn't GAF