If you're always late, can I ask why?

[CulinaryUnderbelly]

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

If it was me, I'd fill the time. I'm never at the top of my todo list, I'm always fire fighting. So if I thought it took half an hour to get there, I'd still work till the last minute, trying to get stuff finished, then get delayed by the people on the way out.

And say you made it early and you were the other end are you likely to then go shopping and then and up late? Or would you sit and wait?

I'd fill the extra time.

Daft huh?

This morning I promised myself I would give myself more time rather than rushing.

I have specific times I should be doing things to be on time for work. If I'm not meeting those times I need to drop an activity (put make up on at work, get coffee there not at home etc)

This morning I was 3 minutes earlier than I usually am. I was delighted with myself. So I slowed down.

I ended up being 5 minutes later than usual.

@Gileswithachainsaw if I got there early (it happens sometimes) i'd probably think 'oooh I don't usually have time to shop, I'll just nip in xxxx to pass the time' and end up 15 minutes late.

Fiend even more pissed off as lateness is clearly retail related (bags) whereas 'crappy tube journey' is sometimes forgivable

I too have always wondered this, I suffer with anxiety and part of it for me is always making sure things are done on time or arriving to thing early etc and I have never understood why/how people can always be late. However we are now under assessment for my 12 year old son for ADHD and autism, he runs off his own time and can only do one task at a time, his mind wanders and will do something totally different in between getting ready, so this has to be taken into consideration, although for me it is very difficult.

@0LIVE I agree. Did you not see the beginning of my post? It is chronic inability estimate time and include contingencies for expected unexpected delays.

I have can do some incredibly complex things in my job but clearly estimating the time it will take me to get to a meeting room one floor down seems to be a part of my brain that is missing or overwritten with cat names or something.

Meeting at 2pm
1.45. You have a meeting in 15. Oh that's loads of time
1.53. Okay start finishing this and go to meeting
1.58. Right. End this sentence and go to meeting
2.00. Oh. Better go to meeting
2.01. Leave desk
2.02. On stairs
2.03. Where the hell is room 53?
2.05. Hi everyone. Sorry I'm late

I used to be much more stressed and late than i am now. Once I spent a week writing down everything I did and the time it took.

I discovered that

1. I seriously underestimated the time that things took.

1. There are some things that I would allocate no time at all to , so then they ‘ made me late”.

1. Id leave everything to the last minute so it became a crisis and took longer.

1. I never planned for any contingency time.

Eg for 1, I’d say “ it only takes a minute to brush my teeth “. But it takes 2 mins of brushing plus time to do everything else. Eg find toothbrush ( if you are the kind of person who uses another sink because bathroom is occupied ), clean toothpaste off the sink ( so your partner doesnt get annoyed ) and check clothes for tooothpoaste spots ( so you don’t look like a doofus ). Flossing is a good thing and surprisingly it didn’t fit in that one minute.

By allocating only one minute i was then always late from THAT TIME, not from when I was actually late for work / school/ meeting/ train.

Multiply that for nearly everything i routinely did.

For 2 - I’d allocated NO TIME at all for actually getting the kids to stop playing the PS4 / watching CBeebies , find shoes and jacket, have a wee, get into the car and fight about where they sat.

So I’d leave ( as in start thinking about leaving ) 30 mins before we were due to arrive at a place 30 mins drive away. And “ the kids made me late “.

For 3 - I’d not replace the toothpaste or printer cartridge when i saw it was running low. I’d not keep a spare one. I’d not write it down on a shopping list. I’d wait until it ran out and then rant at DH and make myself late because I had to go to the shops. Or feel like a shit mother because my kids didn’t brush their teeth before school.

And I’d get angry that i had to pay 2.80 for toothpaste in the corner shops rather than 80p in Aldi when I did my weekly shop.

Does that make sense? Ive given deliberately trivial examples because that’s what was messing up my life.

@0LIVE exactly right. Exactly what I do.

Eg I have to leave the house at 6.30. Except I don't. I finish brushing me teeth at 6.30 as it's my 'last task' and then I'm suddenly magicked into the car.
I have allocated no time to:
Choosing and putting on jacket
Ditto shoes
Scarf
Collect laptop bag from study
Switch off all lights
Lock door
Put stuff in car
Finally leave.

Of course it's now 6.38 yet in my head it's 6.30. Like time has stood still almost because it shouldn't have taken any time

@0LIVE I agree. Did you not see the beginning of my post? It is chronic inability estimate time and include contingencies for expected unexpected delays

Yes i did. But you clearly have insight. You KNOW that you can’t accurately guess these time. So if you always underestimate you need to add time. It’s not rocket science.

But the example you gave isn’t about a failure to guess accurately.

You allowed ZERO time to get from one meeting to another. Didn’t you really think it takes zero time? Do you teleport to meetings or just walk and take the stairs like the rest of us?

You were late because you decided to allocate the time between 1:53 and 2.00 to finishing something else rather than walking to the meeting like everyone else who was attending.

And when you made that decision, you also decided to make everyone else at the meeting waste the time from 2.00 -2.05 waiting for you.

Your 7 mins extra time cost everyone there 5 mins. Eg 5 times 5 people attending .

That’s what the OP meant when she asked if chronically late people feel their time is more important than others.

Now i know its not always exactly like that, because people will spend that 5 mins looking over papers or start without you. But you get my point.

I do the slowing down or filling the time thing too. I am so used to rushing around that spare time feels a like a huge luxury. It never really occurs to me that I could actually just be ready a bit early! Actually last week I did this for once, decided to be all smug and get the early bus so I could do some planning before work and not just swan in at the last minute - only to suddenly realise I was thinking of my Wednesday timetable, not Tuesday, and actually this "early" bus was the one I needed to be just on time! So I had no time to prepare in between which was quite annoying. Lucky I planned to be early!

Other people do that it takes no time thing btw, I had a thing at 9 on a Sunday morning, I was moaning that it was a bit of an early start for a Sunday and somebody said - it’s only a 25 minute drive, just get up at half 8 and go...

I bed at least an hour, preferably an hour and a half in the morning before leaving and I’d never leave 25 minutes for a 25 minute drive... but guess which one of us is usually last year?...

Late, rofl... that’s a weird autocorrect

I realised a few years ago that I assume things take no time. It's like a bizarre kind of rounding error. I know that individually, putting on socks, locating a hair tie, tying up my hair, doing a wee, finding my shoes, putting them on, getting my drink bottle, checking I have purse/keys/phone, walking out of the house, shutting the door, calling the lift, riding in it, walking to the car - they all take less than a minute each. So in my head it's like they are "free". I failed to notice that if each action takes 40 seconds that is 13 x 40 seconds which is nearly five minutes.

I keep meaning to time myself getting ready for various things because DH hates it if we're supposed to be going on a walk or supermarket shopping and I say I'm ready to go but I still have to pick up snacks, get shoes on, sun cream, get shopping bags, fill water, whatever. He points out that these things are part of being ready whereas I tend to categorise being ready to go as meaning I'm ready to start getting ready to go. I have to just allocate myself 20 minutes because I don't know how long it really takes. I'm trying to get DS to recognise this too at the moment because it took me long enough (and I still don't always remember) and it makes a difference to other people.

Actually that's more than 5 mins isn't it? it's more like 10. See I can't even estimate it properly as a hypothetical example. I'm supposed to be good at maths as well.

Can't you just factor in the inevitable lateness when meeting. Surely it's stupidity to expect them to be on time after 15 years of the behaviour.

No, I generally don’t organise meeting late people on a one to one basis. If it’s a gang of us meeting for drinks I will be there on time knowing that others will be too, the late person can faff about all they want as I will not be Billy no Mates at the bar on me own.

I am not terribly time rich and I would rather not use what little spare time I have waiting outside tube stations or nursing my 3rd cup of coffee on my own.

Ive gained more insight in a 1 hour chat on mumsnet about something that causes me great anxiety than I've got from a psychology degree and years of soul searching.

Thanks. Honestly thanks.

I'll let you know how I go tomorrow morning

I have a friend like this and she drives me batty.
She's either:
15/20 mins late with no warning
half hour to an hour with a text to say she's running late (when she's already 10 mins late)
Or she calls at the very last minute or the night before to cancel.
I have a son with SN so anything has to be planned in advance so he can get used to the idea and when she cancels last min/ is late it completely throws him, he has a meltdown and the day is ruined.
I work in beauty and she has come to me for treatments and been late so I've not been able to complete the treatment properly.
I now tell her my afternoons are fully booked and only book her in for mornings so that if she's late it doesn't make me late for the school run.
She's also late dropping/collecting her kids from school.

It is fascinating. I do the exact opposite, I round everything up to a stupid degree. So I'll think to myself:

Train is at 7.20 so I'll want to be at the station at about 7 in case I want a coffee or there is a queue at the barriers.
OK it's a 12 minute walk to the station but I'll allow 20 as I don't want to have to rush.
So I'll leave about 6.30. (note that I have randomly added another 10 minutes here because I like doing things at nicely rounded times).
Then it'll get to about 6 and I start doing all my getting ready things (shoes, pick up keys and bag and coat) but actually they only really take about 5 minutes.

So I do understand the irrationality/ inability to estimate time!

Someone with ADHD upthread said that they make it to work on time due to colossal effort that 'is not sustainable for everything'

They've made a choice to not make the same level of effort they do for work, for meeting friends for coffee.

That was me who said that too. You seem to be choosing to twist my words to fit your opinion, rather than learning and understanding.

It's not a simple choice.

Juggling lots of things at once is difficult for someone with ADHD. There are strategies I can put in place for getting a plane as a one-off that I can't put in place for everyday life, as it's simply not practical. I can't for example, take a day off work just because I have to meet a friend in the evening.

If I have to be on time for something like a plane, where it's a total disaster if I miss it, then I aim to be several hours early. I am usually late for this, but on time for the plane. It takes a huge amount of effort and it means cancelling anything else I'm meant to do that day.

I can take a day off work as I'm starting my holiday that day. But if I'm meant to meet you after work, or after taking my DC to school, I can't very well cancel everything beforehand to make sure I'm on time. I still have to go to work, and get my kids to school.

Nakedavenger74 good luck!

Oh and when it comes to 'things that fuck off at precise times' e.g. planes and trains I arrive embarrassingly early. I mean 5 hours ahead of long haul flights. 3 hours ahead of demonic flights where you need to be there only 30 minutes before, simply because I realise I cannot be trusted with time estimation. This has meant getting up at 3.00am before for a 8am domestic flight when the taxi ride is 30 minutes, security takes 10mins and final call is 10 mins before departure.
Those I am with scoff and moan but I panic otherwise.
Job interviews I am there an hour before!

I think you're assuming that I'm saying you're making a bad choice

Yes, because you are saying things that are a value judgement, e.g.

it is the subconscious nature of your self-importance that we are picking up on