If you're always late, can I ask why?

[CulinaryUnderbelly]

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

But all these habit laters going on about how much they need to do and to do lists - don't you realise punctual people have the same competing demands on their time?

Difference is the punctual person would not prioritise getting something else done on the list over meeting you. They prioritise you.

It certainly doesn't feel like self-prioritisation.

If you read my example morning upthread - ahead of time I would have imagined meeting my friend as a nice thing to do, that I'd have a nice time.

The reality is I go to the event having missed breakfast, in an outfit I feel uncomfortable in as I don't really like it, having spent the morning in panic-mode, then feeling disappointed and shit about missing the bus and being late. It certainly doesn't feel like I'm prioritising myself.

I'm never at the top of my todo list

In this case, it's not you who should be at the top of the list. It's the friend you have arranged to meet.

You haven't put yourself last, you've put them last.

Sorry, but some PPs saying that it’s somehow ok to get into the habit of thinking an 11am appointment means leaving home at 11am?

No, not ok. That’s called being thick.

The kind of thick that leads to not being invited places by normal adults any more. If you are thick, learn to set alarms on your phone at least.

Sorry, but this really gets my goat.

because my child will inevitably find a way to make it so! for an example last week he had a hospital appointment, i arranged with school to have him ready for 12 o clock giving me 20 mins to get to the hospital. He somehow managed to convince them he needed his bags etc disappeared for 15 mins, had to be chased down by the same members of staff who had gleefully informed me he was ready when i arrived and end result we were once again late!
i have set off 45 mins early for things before now and yet still ended up being late because he will inevitably find a way

Ive gained more insight in a 1 hour chat on mumsnet about something that causes me great anxiety than I've got from a psychology degree and years of soul searching

@Nakedavenger74
I started off thinking you were nuts but your responses have been impressive. You may have a problem with punctuality but you are refreshingly open about it and the fact you've taken critical comments on board and learned something is lovely.
I think you are brilliant!

we are always early or on time in this family and it is a massive massive effort but only fair to other people. I just won't be around or deal with late people. So it sounds like late people whether caused by an inherent problem or otherwise already know this kind of thing so tend to seek out similar friends so all is well. but I certainly don't tolerate it.

I just don't get some of the excuses either above. I never lose my keys because I put them in one bag. Someone said well I might need a different bag. I just never change the bag. It may be too big for one even or too small for another but I know unless everything is in the one place it might go missing. Ditto clothes - I wear just about the same every day so there is no delay in choosing them.

In our family we don't just plan to be on time, we plan to arrive early and then we also build into that the chances of a train delay and it that means sitting in the car for 20 minutes peacefully being early and looking at magazine so be it - at least we have not put someone out.

Also someone wrote above they were rarely late for work and would text if they were going to be late but are often late for other things. Surely that just proves this is all about choice and choosing to steal time from other people and be rude. As either you are always late and it's an inherent problem with you or you can be on time and therefore should in every situation.

I just don't get some of the excuses either above. I never lose my keys because I put them in one bag.

I don't carry a handbag. I can't, I lose it. I have learnt the hard way that if I carry everything in one bag, it's more risky than having things in pockets / my coat.

In winter, I wear the same coat and the keys are in the coat pocket. In summer, I wear jeans most days and in the morning, I take the keys out of the jeans pocket from the day before when I put new clothes on. This system doesn't always work.

I just don't get some of the excuses either above. I never lose my keys because I put them in one bag. Someone said well I might need a different bag. I just never change the bag. It may be too big for one even or too small for another but I know unless everything is in the one place it might go missing. Ditto clothes - I wear just about the same every day so there is no delay in choosing them
The poster your quoting re the bag and clothes said she has adhd which led to the struggle to find all the different things and slight sensory issues that meant choosing clothes difficult in advance, great for you that you find it so easy

I am not sure I find it so easy. I just devote loads of time every day to sticking to a pattern so things aren't lost. However I am not unsympathetic to people who have internal problems which mean they find it hard. It is just my life cannot cope with people being late - it's just a fact. In fact those of us who need things on time might equally have an internal condition of that kind kind although I donm't think I am obssessive about it so not sure I need a diagnosis the other way as it were.

I think the thread is good as it givse us all understanding and explains why those of us who can only have reliable people whoa re on time in our lives have to ensure our friends are all like that and other people have friends who aren't quite so much in need of re4liability and indeed adore that it is all quite so laid back. in Jamaica once our hire car was 3 hours late. They laughed and said "Jaimaica time" - we had bust a gut to be ready by the 9am start. Not surprisingly we cancelled the trip - breach of contract but there wa sno understanding at all that being 3 hours late was a problem. Same in Iran on business - nothing like the UK or German sticking to conference times. We would just saunter back to hear me speak even an hour later than planned - utterly dreadful for anyone wanting to plan but just the way things are done by some people.

3 hours ahead of demonic flights where you need to be there only 30 minutes before, simply because I realise I cannot be trusted with time estimation. This has meant getting up at 3.00am before for a 8am domestic flight when the taxi ride is 30 minutes, security takes 10mins and final call is 10 mins before departure

Naked - I know you have been very good at taking on board others comments, so I don’t want to be argumentative.

But this is a good example of

1. Missing things out completely

2. Setting unrealistic or unreasonable timescales

1. Assuming that the fastest you have ever done a journey is the time you should allocate

Unless you are flying by private jet you DO need to be at the airport more than 30 mins before the flight. For most regional flights the airline want you AT THE GATE 30 mins before take off.

If the taxi journey is normally 30 mins then you need to leave 45-60 in case of delays. Then time to pay, get out the taxi, collect your bag, walk to departures , check the board, check in / bag drop go to the loo and walk to security.

Security DOES NOT take 10mins. Just because you once departed from Islay Airport on Boxing Day and it took 10 mins doesn’t mean that it will always take 10 mins, especially at 7:30am on a work day or during the holiday season. It NEVER takes 10 mins at LHR or LGW.

It can take 10-15 mins to walk to the gate from security.

And normal people don’t aim to get at the gate in time for the final call . Seriously they don’t.

“And normal people don’t aim to get at the gate in time for the final call shock. Seriously they don’t.”

IME though they also don’t need 5 hours to catch an internal flight 30 minutes away... I’m guessing the point wasn’t that she’s aiming for last call or that’s when she thinks other people aim for, but that in a worst case scenario that’s your ultimate last gasp time and how far away that is from 3am.

3 hours ahead of demonic flights

I'm not turning up at all for a demonic flight!!!

I am with Olive on this but i think the thread helps us understand people in the opposite camps and so it's useful. I could not live with someone like this and would not be meeting them or going to things with them but that's fine - we all just make our own choices. We tend to allow say double the time it usually takes to drive to an airport just in case, then half the time once you are there something has gone wrong like the shuttle bus is very late or your car is going wrong or something. Then the queues to get in can be bad We like to have an hour before getting to the gate to get some food, buy water or whatever at the airport and then I like to be at the gate in plenty of time once we know which one it is. Not everyone is like that. It does mean I rarely miss anything and I avoid the stress of being late or worrying about being on time so it keeps me very happy. I don't think everyone has to be the same hwoever. It would be a dull planet if we were all identical. I also would never waste the time when there - I'd go off to the lounge and read work or other papers or catch up on my reading pile.

IIn fact an example before Christmas - I allowed 2 hours for a drive across London which should take an hour. It took 2 hours 10 minutes and I was on time (I had planned to arrive 10 minutes early). People had flown in from Japan etc for it so it was really important I was there and thankfully I had allowed the extra hour. I also took lots of reading as I had expected to sit in the car park for an hour and just read in the car. Mind you I wish someone had suggested I went by train as it was a pretty difficult journey even allowing all that extra time as i was worried even so I was going to be late.

If the taxi journey is normally 30 mins then you need to leave 45-60 in case of delays.

I'm not an anxious person, but I am fairly well organised. And if a taxi journey was usually 30 minutes but they journey was taking me to an expensive flight that leaves at a set time with or without me, I'd be leaving loads more than even 45-60 minutes! Probably two hours, maybe more. Worst case scenario, you arrive early and can grab a drink and read a magazine for a while, safe in the relaxing knowledge that you're ready and there.

But I don't fly often so maybe people who do are much more casual about it. I do travel via train and coach a lot though and similar, if the megabus departs at 9 I'm getting there for 730-8 on a typical journey. To account for delays.

whyaresquishiesnotsquishy you really made me laugh 😂 I noticed it too but your turn of phrase is so funny!

I once allowed two hours for a short journey across London that would usually take 15 minutes, because of the tube strikes. Still ended up taking three hours, meaning I missed the train and had to fork out £100 I didn't really have (I was younger, had to ring my bloody dad and beg for a transfer, I paid him back next payday). I learned that day not to underestimate the impact of tube strikes! I'd leave five hours next time I think.

@0LIVE the point is I never get there just in time for final call because I am there hours beforehand. Because I can't judge time I seriously overestimate.

If it helps my example was London City Airport. Anyone who knows that airport knows how quick everything is. I fly regularly. At one point I was making 2 return trips a week for well over a year. Nevertheless I would panic about not being on time to the extent i would be stupidly early every time. Every time the sequence would be:

3am. Get up (after a serious lack of sleep and 3 alarms set just in case)
4 am. Ready and cab has arrived
4.30. At airport (no one at security I'm through in 5 minutes)
5am. Now in departures killing time and feeling rising panic that I will get distracted and miss boarding (no tannoy announcements)
7.30. Boarding call. I'm first at the gate
8am. Plane leaves

I was totally unable to work back to identify the best time to leave that would keep my panic down, allow me to destress, allow for contingencies but not leave me with 2 hours of anxiety in a tiny departure area.

If I did try it I would go through the what if's: cab doesn't arrive, Tower Bridge is 'up', if I'm later will there be a big queue at departures, what if there's a huge school party at security etc and I have to resort to the 3am thing again.

If I was on a LHR transat it would be even worse. I remember pitching up at the BA lounge 6 hours before a flight to Vancouver. Thankfully there was wine.

“Worst case scenario, you arrive early and can grab a drink and read a magazine for a while, safe in the relaxing knowledge that you're ready and there.”

Read a magazine? Lol, I’d need more magazines than luggage. If everything goes smoothly and I don’t need any of my extra time I’ve added to definitely, absolutely make sure I’m not late... I have 2-3 hours hanging about in an airport to do.

I used to have 2 books with me to read on the plane, I’d have finished them before I even left the airport.

I now have a kindle app... but a magazine isn’t cutting into my time at all.

I’m just thinking here, about the prioritising and taking 4 hours to get ready for a coffee thing earlier in the thread.

It’s not that someone isn’t worth spending the time on that’s the issue, it’s that the only way I know I can guarantee I’ll definitely be on time for something is to plan for a worst possible time scenario and add to it, but, then if that all doesn’t happen, I’m really early.

If I’m meeting someone at a coffee shop, I can sit in my car for an hour, or just wait in the coffee shop, that’s fine, and when that happens I just suck it up, because it’s my own fault for not being able to work it out properly.

I can’t do that at someone’s house, so what’s worse? Being an hour early or 20 minutes late?

I'm often late, but it's never planned, & I really beat myself up about it because it's something that drives me mad too.

I'm on medication that really affects my memory, I also get easily distracted and don't realise the time, and sometimes it's because I've fallen asleep when I've sat down to have a rest.

I've forgotten, or been late for: appointments, parties, tax returns, parent meetings, school trips, to pick my children up. Everything really.
It gets me down so much that I sometimes can't see the point in carrying on (as I am also in pain permanently, which is exhausting).

I really try to not be late, I use reminders on my phone & alarms, etc, but I don't always hear it or have it with me. It has NOTHING to do with the person I'm seeing.
I'd say I'm late probably 60% of the time; these are the times when I've fallen asleep or not heard my alarm, etc.