If you're always late, can I ask why?

[CulinaryUnderbelly]

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

Frazzled your friends might be great but you're teaching your children the wrong thing. It doesn't matter that your friends accept your flaws...being a chronic worrier or someone who overeats are not comparable to being late all the time.

Are your children at school? That's when things get awkward and unfair.

Ajas and how do you know that I don't actually leave/am ready 15mins early? I'm not sure how small children and baby bowels are something you think I can control. When they need to go they need to go and when the baby explodes, you can't wait until you get to wherever, you have to down tools and get on instant clean up! Furthermore I didn't say that I was always late, bowels are simply what makes me late when lateness happens. And when it does we then run all the way to wherever it is we are going.

Really don't think that you can make bowel movements my "fault"!

So your baby needs a poo EVERY time you're leaving the house?

Read my post, I never claimed to be always late, however when I am it's always bowel related. Did your eyes malfunction?

I did also say that lateness would be epic meltdown related. I suppose that's my fault too.

Why aren't they compatible though? Like I said it still impacts on others, we have had to alter plans because worrier friend was worried about using the tube or worried her kids would play up at meals egg. It's a totally different problem I admit but still affects us negatively if we choose to look at it that way
And the overeater, that's not setting bad examples? The person who is argumentative that isn't a negative influence on kids, the smoker? I know it affects my kids, that was my point, I feel shit about it and hate myself, I don't need others telling me I'm setting a bad example. If it was easy to 'just fix' I would have done years ago but like someone else said, it's years of learnt behaviour you have to undo and it fucking hard, it doesn't just happen because I woke up and thought, 'today I won't be disorganised'. I'm slowly getting better, gradually learning where I'm going wrong but for a 'friend' to bitch about it saying people must just think they are better than others just goes to show how unprepared people can be to accept anything other than their own normal
Yes my kids are at school. We are on time but often because we ran down the road and often only just. I know it isn't fair and I'm working on it, I've gone without breakfast before because I knew I could get them there without rushing if I've skipped it. My middle child used to be horrendous at eating breakfast and would take an hour, literally. Other mum friends said they just don't bother with breakfast or give them toast in the car but it wasn't something I was prepared to do because I knew she would feel rubbish later so we got up early and still ended up running. See we aren't all just lazy or selfish people

**comparible

“it doesn't just happen because I woke up and thought, 'today I won't be disorganised'.”

Hah, I wake up and think that every morning...some days I even manage it... but I’ve never managed to make it a permanent thing.

Me too, think it's been my new years resolution for the past 20 years. I so wish I was better at it I really do!!

10 years that should have said!!

Allosaurusroar not necessarily. On one of my parents' first dates, my mum missed a bus and was an hour late with no way of letting my dad know. Luckily my dad waited, otherwise I might not be here!

I don't have a great history of being on time, usually due to faffing and being optimistic about what I can do in the time available/how long a journey will take, and it did include sometimes being late for appointments, work, films etc. If I'm honest I probably was quite self-centred and didn't think much about if I was inconveniencing someone, and it was a similar thread on here that made me determined to make more of an effort. I now try and focus more when I'm getting ready, use Google Maps to check I'm not underestimating journey times, build in more contingency time and even with 5 month DS I'd say I'm better than I was 10 years ago. Hopefully someone reading this will respond in the same way.

Meh. We ALL have shit to deal with....some of us make more effort.

I have noticed that most people who are chronically late to meet friends etc still manage to get to work on time and catch trains and planes
^^
Yep.

I don't like bring latel it stresses me. So I'm pretty much always on time whether for work or meeting friends. If I realise I'll be late I let people know in good time

I fell out with a friend a few years back as she was always late. Too many nights of sitting there fully dressed and made up for 1 hour +, got too much. Being 2 hours late when we'd a good friend's 40th to attend, was the last straw. I realised a night out with her never felt like fun as her bad timekeeping just killed the vibe. So I stopped going anywhere with her.

We don't speak at all now as she was annoyed. That's fine with me - no more boredom hanging around for her. She works in a school and is never late for work...

I think the dividing line in the sand is, can the person in question be on time for things like work, job interviews, airport check-ins and so on?

If not, then they clearly have some kind of cognitive issue or severe anxiety and I genuinely feel sorry for them.

If yes, then that is a sign that they don't think their friend's time is that important.

I find that people who are habitually late seem to wear it as a badge of honour. They're actually quite proud of the fact that they are always late.
My DGS is 12 years old and has dyspraxia. DD has always taught him strategies to make sure he arrives at school and everywhere else on time. He's aware that if he isn't on time he also makes everyone else late.

On his first day at high school he was late coming out of school. Turns out he got lost coming from an unfamiliar classroom to the school exit.

Next day he was on time. His strategy was just to follow everyone else.

Poor baby. I asked DD why his DS couldn't make sure he found his way out OK.

Her response was that he is responsible for his own time management and he will be fine when he puts his new strategies in place.

My DD is so much better at these things than I ever was.

Also last minute cancelling. I have done this, although generally when I was one person going to a group thing. This was more about being depressed, so I genuinely didn't think anyone would care if I was there or not, so it didn't matter if I didn't go. I also often had no motivation to do things I liked, so I missed out on plenty of evenings out and spent a lot of time on the sofa in tears or doing nothing because I couldn't even be bothered to watch a TV programme I enjoyed. In hindsight I can see some friends probably thought I didn't care about seeing them, and I wish I'd been better at talking about it.

I have anxiety (which includes the worry about being late) and OCD. When I get ready to leave home, I'm trying to look perfect, be perfect and on time as I hate going in late to places. I change a thousand times and then when leaving, it's the mental checks with OCD (due to having left straighteners on years ago at home).

I come from a whole family like it (with the exception of maybe 3 of them) and I have no idea why they are like it but know their time keeping has always made me anxious. I never tell anyone about the OCD and anxiety, I just make excuses so no one knows. However, I try very hard not to and am never late for work because I always allow an hour leeway but I put it down to the routine of knowing how long everything takes for work.

I have noticed that most people who are chronically late to meet friends etc still manage to get to work on time and catch trains and planes.

So they obviously have the skills to tell the time when it’s suits them.

You have no understanding of it. I have inattentive ADHD.

I have trouble with organising myself, judging time, memory, getting distracted, procrastination etc etc.

If I am arranging to meet someone at 11am, I know I need to leave at 9:30am to get to them on time. That seems fine when I think about it.

But then, this is what happens:

8am I get up, get the kids ready for school, then I realise I don't have any clean clothes I like, except for an outfit that doesn't go with trainers but I can only find my trainers. I put the outfit on, and scour the house for my smarter shoes while also making breakfast, finding book bags, making the DC go back and brush teeth properly, finding lost water bottles etc - the house is a whirlwind of stressy activity. I can't find the shoes, fuck it, it's just the school run. I go to leave the house, then realise I can't find house keys. Where did I last have them? I can't remember. I look for house keys, then remember DS is supposed to have money for something - ask him to get his wallet, find change for him. I get the back door key and we all leave through the back garden. Leave house 5 minutes past latest time we should leave. Drop kids off, have to sign in at school office which adds time.

Come back. I'm running 10 minutes late at this point, only have 20 minutes. I wanted to have half an hour to get ready, hope I still get time for breaskfast. I suddenly remember I'm meant to bring tickets with me, as we're going to a pre-booked event. Fuck. I turn computer on, which is slow as it has an issue I've not found time to fix. Log into emails. Find urgent email from colleague I should have replied to 3 days ago, Fuck. I reply, typing as fast as I can. Then pull up email ticket confirmation, print tickets.

Where are my stupid shoes? I look again, can't find them. Maybe my outfit is OK? I look in mirror. I look stupid in trainers and this dress. I look again at my clean clothes and think I find something that looks OK with trainers. I try a few things on, as quickly as I can, I'm not taking my time at all - I'm racing against time, pulling clothes on as fast as I can, looking in the mirror, taking them off. My heart is beating fast, I feel panicky and late. Finally, something looks OK. I don't like what I'm wearing particularly but it'll do. I don't have time to tidy my clothes - I leave them in a heap on the floor.

I look at the time, I have 3 minutes to leave. I find my bag, no time for breakfast, fill a bottle with water, go to leave house. Realise back door key is in the first outfit I had on. Go back, find outfit, get key. Realise I don't have ticket. Where did I put it?!! Feeling really panicky now, I have no recollection of where I put it down. I run upstairs, it's not on the printer. I retrace my steps and eventually find it. I'm late now and I feel really stressed. I run out of the house to the bus stop, to catch the bus I need. I see it away in the distance, I've missed it. Next train is in half an hours, I've messed it up, I'm late.

At no time did I think my friend wasn't important enough to meet on time. You could say I should have got ready the night before, but the previous night I would have been up till about this time, doing something urgent also (currently I'm up waiting for my DS's school shirt to dry in the tumble dryer as I only realised at midnight that he was short of uniform).

I live my WHOLE life like this. I do get planes on time, but it's a massive effort, there's no way I sustain that level of effort every day.

I'm not twiddling my thumbs or doing anything interesting, I'm running about in a panic having a shit time.

If anyone else reads this and this rings a bell, google ADHD. (And if this rings a bell but you don't consider yourself hyperactive, google inattentive ADHD.)

And you might say - why are you getting up at 8am? The answer is because I've probably only gone to bed at 2:30am.

@Whyare then you need to get things done the night before.

And people using the kids as an excuse,how do you think others manage getting out with kids on time?.I have had 5 kids and teh amount of exploding nappies that i have had to deal with that many.
had 3 young kids and could still manage to be where i was supposed to be.My friend wiht no kids was always late,
I

@whyare that sounds like an incredibly stressful way to live. I don't have any personal experience of your condition but can see that there are strategies you could put in place to help you. I'm hopelessly disorganised but have found lots of strategies to help. I have a checklist of things my DD needs for school on a daily basis. These are put by the door the night before. All shoes are put straight in the shoe rack on entering the house - no lost shoes.
Clothes are sorted and set out in the evening. We have a set box for all keys. I have a set place for my handbag. I have a routine for which laundry is done everyday so we're never short on uniform or sports kits. We put events in a shared online calender and set reminders.
It takes done setting up but once places for things are established and you start to follow a routine then it starts becoming easier and life is much easier. Obviously things go wrong sometimes or unexpected things happen, but on the whole, chaos management strategies have been a life saver on our house.

You have no understanding of it. I have inattentive ADHD

I don’t think anyone on here is having a pop at those with underlying medical conditions or hidden disabilities. Also, as has been stated a dozen times people are generally not fussed if someone is 10 mins late or whatever so long as they text that fact in advance and don’t make a habit of it. It’s the folk who are massively late every time due to just being shit and disorganised who assume that those who are waiting on them have all the time in the world themselves or are just being ‘uptight’. Their are loads of coping strategies, time keeping apps and habits to get into to help ones punctuality, if you can bothered. So, yes, to the other poster who got upset at the ‘try harder’ suggestion, sometimes that’s all it takes to see improvements. For example I used to leave my house keys, phone, wallet, work pass, whatever lying all over the house and used to waste several minutes each morning finding it all. Now I put all those in a draw in the kitchen the moment I get in, I know exactly where they are the next day.

@whyaresquishiesnotshishy

This is me. To a tee. No amount of giving myself a hard time about it, frustrated sighs from my partner or wishing I was able to organise myself better makes any difference. I could write myself a list and prepare the night before but I would still forget, lose or misplace something at the last minute. The only reason I manage to be on time for work is that I have completely streamlined the process of getting ready to the point that the routine is: wake up, wee, get dressed, leave. In reality I can’t do that for other activities!

Those whinging about others, do you not think that maybe there are lots of people who have undiagnosed or unrecognised difficulties?

Ajax- guess so and some of us make more of make more of an effort to sympathise and understand others are different and cope/deal with things differently. I know which type of person I'd rather be out of the two

My dh is always late. Pisses me right off. I will ask him to pick me up from work at 6. 6 i get a text saying their just leaving. Its a half hour drive. Always excuses. Truth is he's just not organized. We were flying on honeymoon day after our wedding. He had nothing packed said ge would do it in the morning. He ended up forgetting half the stuff.