If you're always late, can I ask why?

[CulinaryUnderbelly]

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

I have the sort of anxiety that makes me chronically early for everything and very stressed when other people don’t turn up on time. So cut me some slack too.

@bigpinkball no, I just meant I'd rather someone was late than early. If you invite someone around or arrange to meet them for a specific time, surely that's a clear message you want to see them from that time onwards, not before? I'd find frequent earlyness rude tbh, because it places an expectation on me that I'm ready before the allotted time.

Like I said, I'm very laid back, I don't care if people are late to see me or cancel at short notice. I always let people know if I'm running late or can't make it though and I expect the same courtesy. I've never met anyone IRL who feels hurt or offended by lateness! I couldn't be friends with people who need to stick to such a rigid schedule. I manage people at work and I have no issue with them being late as long as the work gets done.

The latest I ever am is usually 10-15mins. I would never intentionally turn up late but if I am running late it's usually because I've not given myself enough time, or due to the buses.

@Johnnyfinland can you understand why someone would feel hurt or offended if they’re left waiting for over an hour every time you’ve arranged to meet them though? Especially if it’s in a train station or outside a venue where there isn’t much for them to entertain themselves with?

I don’t see that as being a rigid schedule at all.

Also you’re only laid back so far as it suits you if you don’t like people turning up early, perhaps those people are also laid back about timing and it suits them to get to you earlier for whatever reason.

For those who live in larger towns and cities there is an app called 'city mapper' that tells you exactly how long a journey will be between two points (including walking times from your front door to the bus stop / train station etc.

I don't shit the bed if someone is a little late when meeting, so long as they drop me a text I will wander off and have look in some shops or whatever. Its the habitually very late people who have no excuses apart from being crap and disorganised who expect you to 'deal with it', the whole 'hey, this is who I am' shtick wears thin when the restaurant table you have booked has to be handed back at a certain time, that film is about to start or you are generally nursing a drink on your own for an hour looking like a stood up date. It's just a basic lack of consideration.

I had one friend who I agreed to pick up when a group of us were going away on a camping weekend, we spent all week emphasising how they absolutely had to be ready for collection at an early time in the morning so we could beat the traffic. Of course when we roll up she answers the door in her dressing gown supping on a cup of tea and was not even packed. I just drove off to our destination, we had moaning texts all weekend about how unreasonable we were, she honestly expected us to wait while she spent the next hour getting her shit together. Fuck that entitled behaviour.

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you?

I’ve never understood this view though it is oft repeated on MN.

I have a couple of friends who are always late, it’s not about feeling superior, they are just terminally disorganised.

It’s nothing at all to do with the person they are meeting.

But how then do these people manage to get to work on time?

I’d be interested in hearing from people a bit older than myself, was this habitual lateness such an issue before we all had mobile phones? Surely if you had no way of contacting the person waiting for you then you couldn’t just turn up an hour late. Does the fact that everyone now has a phone on them make it too easy for people to text saying sorry I’m going to be half an hour late?! Just a thought.

I have a friend who is always late. She manages to get to work on time though.
We were waiting for her and her partner one night to start bowling with our friends, they turned up late cos he wanted to go to B&Q on the bloody way!.

“but it is the subconscious nature of your self-importance that we are picking up on.”

It’s not self importance to not estimate time properly though...

If I’m say meeting someone in town for coffee at 2, I go, right that’s a 30 minute drive, I can park there that’s only a minute away, I’ll allow 10 to 15 minutes for traffic because that’s after rush hour, so not as busy, I need to leave at the absolute latest at 20 past 1.

Now obviously I’m not going to get up and get ready and sit there till it’s time to go and I wouldn’t start doing something unrelated at 1 or stop off to do something on the way.

But... the things I’m doing beforehand all take different amounts of time than I’ve allowed them and I end up running out the door at 20 past exactly.

Then I get stuck behind a learner or there's a bottle neck of traffic I didn’t anticipate because it’s not a route I do every day and that’s my ten minute buffer gone, so by the time I’m parking I’m supposed to be meeting them.

Only I can’t get parked where I was planning to, so I’m now driving round a bit very familiar area, trying to find somewhere to park, which takes time and it’s gurther away so that’s extra time to get there...

So I’m late and at no point have I prioritised my own time over theirs, I’ve just been completely shit at managing my time.

If that then was arranged again fairly soon after or was going to be a regular thing, I’d remember I was late and allow extra time and probably be ridiculously early because actually that bottleneck of traffic or lack of parking was a one off tbh... but, if i wasn’t going to the same place for ages, I’ll forget and be planning it from scratch again and be late.

For me it’s always stuff like that, stupid little stuff that all adds up to me being late but I’ve wanted to be on time and I’ve planned to be... just badly.

But how then do these people manage to get to work on time?

Maybe they don't?

Inattentive adhd - at the point of leaving the house my brain would suddenly make me want to do nine other things. By the time I became aware of the process I had also developed anxiety around being late and the two things fed into each other. I was pu t under pressure by relatives who got stressed by my being late. I was very grateful when people said things like "don't rush" - it helped enormously. I had times when I would be shaking and crying over the whole thing.
I'm now taking medication for the ad hd and have a much better sense of ti me and how long things take/how long a journey is. It amazes me when I look back and remember how awful things were! I was very often late for work as well as for meeting people; it is easier to be on time for work though as there is usually a predictable routine t o the time before and journey to work.

Tab, nobody would mind your stated scenario, as shit does happen and it is often difficult to judge traffic and new car parks and things. As a one-off.

Does this kind of thing happen to you a lot though? In which case, maybe you can change stuff.

You sound self-aware enough to think next time you're going somewhere new: "I know, I'll allow much more extra time as a buffer in case the traffic and parking is shit again for no particular reason. Instead of 10-15 minutes for the journey, I'll allow 20-25 minutes."

If by chance you're a few minutes early - happy days, it means you can nip off for a wee before your meet-up. That's what I always do.

But how then do these people manage to get to work on time?

I have had to let people go at work before because of their tardy attitude to time keeping.

“but it is the subconscious nature of your self-importance that we are picking up on"

From my point of view. If I've arranged to (say) meet a friend at 2pm, I think it's rude not to turn up at 2pm (give or take 5 minutes). I'll therefore make every effort to get there for 2pm. That means working out in advance how long it will take to get to our meeting point, allowing contingency time for traffic problems, and making sure I give myself enough time to complete anything else that needs doing beforehand.

The result is that barring very unforeseen circumstances, I generally get to our meet up place on time. I can therefore only conclude that where there are no unforeseen circumstances, if the person I'm meeting can't get there on time, it's because they've not bothered to do the things I did, because they don't see a problem with leaving me waiting.

“Does this kind of thing happen to you a lot though? In which case, maybe you can change stuff.”

Every time, lol, not just a lot, but everytime... there’s also other random stuff that I’ve never accounted for - though they are one offs, like the time a cat ran out in front of my car or a car changed lanes, into my car... that sort of stuff I don’t stress about as much as people understand those, though they seem to happen to me a lot

Basically my entire life is slightly chaotic, some of it is definitely my own fault, but some of it is that I seem to attract weird stuff.

And yes, if it’s somewhere I know I’ve needed more time, I give myself more time and I’m fine with being early instead, it’s just it’s never 5 minutes it’s always long enough that I’m tempted to do something else to fill the time, I don’t, because then I’d be late again... but I am always either late, or hanging about somewhere playing on my phone.

“That means working out in advance how long it will take to get to our meeting point, allowing contingency time for traffic problems, and making sure I give myself enough time to complete anything else that needs doing beforehand.”

But I do all that... it just doesn’t ever go how my plan was.

In fairness my friends have never complained particularly about it, they’re just used to me rushing in somewhere stressed and apologetic - I assume they know I’m just a bit of a flake rather than thinking it’s ok they’ll wait for me.

Tabula if you're like my DH, then it's all to do with priorities.

He'd say the same as you..."but I DO plan!"

What actually happens is that whilst he's getting ready, he sees some minor job which "needs doing" and does that...gets distracted...instead of being able to prioritise getting ready, he'll fold the laundry or whatever.

I'm usually seething and saying "You can do that later!"

Oh I hate it when people are late. Especially when I've rushed around to get there on time myself.

Shit happens occasionally. There are hold ups etc and those happen to everyone and can't be belped.

But the distances to places haven't changed since the last time you came.

The bus and train times are online and in the stations and on the phone and the apps for all to see at any time. It takes seconds to look up the times

Are friends etc really less important than washing up or hoovering which can be done later.

It's really rude to leave people hanging about all the time. I mean at keast message. And for the live of god don't be stuoid enough to go on face book so we can see that when you were meant to be there you were actually posting shit or chatting to people online as opposed to being "soooooo busy"

I'm always late because my DP seems to think it only takes 5 minutes to drive anywhere! He'll come home from work saying 'meeting mum and dad at the pub at 6pm' meaning I hop up and get myself and DS ready straight away because I hate being last minute, would rather be ready to go and sit waiting for an hour than start getting ready 10minutes before we are due to leave - whereas DP will faf about for ages then start slowly getting ready at about quarter to 6 which means we usually don't even get in the car until 6pm. Already late and he's there like 'its only round the corner' when it is in fact a half an hours drive at least! (Because PIL lives ages away and like to stay on 'their side')
If on my own or just with DS I usually make it on time, sometime early, sometimes 5 minutes late.

But how then do these people manage to get to work on time?
I got a job where set hours aren’t needed, so you start when you want. Before that I was let go from a lot of jobs.

“What actually happens is that whilst he's getting ready, he sees some minor job which "needs doing" and does that...gets distracted...instead of being able to prioritise getting ready, he'll fold the laundry or whatever.”

Ooh no, I’d not start doing something at that point, it’s either something earlier that I’ve misjudged or has gone wrong or directly related to me getting ready.

“If you accept it - you're telling yourself it's OK to keep someone waiting rather than to try harder to be on time.”

Oh I don’t just go, Ach I’ll be late...

If it’s something that’s really really time crucial I’ll just be really early, because I know I’m likely to end up late otherwise.

If it’s a person I’m meeting infrequently they’re probably not overly aware of it because again mostly I’ll be really early instead, so it’s only the odd time.

But close friends and family obviously are more aware of what I’m like... and you can’t really get away with waiting outside say someone’s house for an hour because they’ll see you... or people round the corner start to think you’re dodgy. And obviously the more often I make plans with them the more chance they’ll notice my timekeeping isn’t great.

So it’s not something I don’t try to sort, but, I have missed trains and important appointments and anyone who knows me well knows that there’s a chance I’ll be late.

So I suppose I’m not an always late person in that I’m not predictably a certain amount of time late and quite often I’m actually early and waiting elsewhere so then I’m on time. But I know I’m a running late person really.

I agree with poster who said they wouldn't have lots in common with someone who is always late and less likely to be a good friend as their outlook on life and how you treat people would be different.

I hate people being late it's the height of rudeness and selfishness. If I was meeting a known late person I'd be less likely to meet them on my own - usually in a group so ur not left hanging about on ur own.

The absolute worst time for someone to be late though is to a restaurant. Waiting about to order a meal and constantly apologising to waiting staff and everyone being starving is horrendous!

Absolutely Olive. If someone can manage time when it comes to catching plane / getting to work etc when it " really matters " ( to them) then it's downright fucking selfish and disrespectful to be constantly late to meet friends. Gives me the rage.