If you're always late, can I ask why?

[CulinaryUnderbelly]

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

My family are always late because they faff about, watching stuff on ipads, cleaning things that could wait until later, I used to go and sit in the car and wait for them as a teenager.

My ex used to deliberately make me late if he knew it was important to me.

My taxi used to be late picking me up for school and it used to upset me as I would be told off for being late.

I'm always ridiculously early for things these days.

It annoys the hell out of me! It’s so rude and selfish.

I think my problem is I'm an optimist and think things take less time than they do, and "lose" chunks of time.

Actually I'm late for work, school run (luckily not late enough to get in trouble), important appointments and have missed / got very close to missing trains and planes pretty much every time, it's nothing personal. I think I'm actually better than I was but having two young kids who run off screaming when all I have to do is put shoes on them before leaving the house doesn't help.

I'm not always late, and when I am it's rarely by more than one to five, max ten minutes. But I consider that to be late so I thought I'd contribute my reason:

I take very strong painkillers every day, 80mg of morphine. It works great on the pain but one of the side effects is drowsiness. Some days are worse than others, but if I take it early morning and stay in bed a while for it to kick in, I can end up falling back asleep into a really deep and difficult to rouse sleep.

I set an alarm but sometimes I feel so exhausted and drowsy I hit snooze a few times and end up pushing back my getting ready time and it all backs up until in five minutes late leaving the house.

My friends mostly know I take painkillers but I don't really talk about the side effects and you wouldn't have a clue there's anything wrong with me by looking!

But on the whole I agree with PPs who say that people can usually manage to be on time for things that matter to them, and persistent severe lateness is a signal that either the person doesn't really care about you, or they care about you less than they care about putting in strategies to be on time. I could be on time for a job interview despite the drowsiness which just shows I'm capable. I think the difference is the adrenaline and fear of what would happen if you're late to an interview, that you don't experience with seeing a friend for coffee, but it's still no excuse.

I have a major faffer and latecomer in my family.
for them it's definitly passive aggressive. a very selfish person. very controlling.
I just don't count them in when planning/inviting anymore. we don't wait when ordering in restaurants for example. we never let them
be in charge of train concert tickets anymore, there were too many dissapointments.
I hate it.

My SiL is always late. Always. It's so regular and always between 30 and 45 minutes I wonder if it's something specific.

She is a very organised person, much more than me.

I have never been able to fathom it.

We all just adjust everything to Claire-time (not her real name) now.

She is a lovely person and very dependable in all the ways that matter. I honestly think it's something pathological.

Those who say they are late because of anxiety. Please bear in mind that the person you are meeting may have anxiety too.
I'm quite badly agoraphobia at the moment. To be left alone for ages in a busy place would trigger a panic attack.
I also have ASD and totally get the poor executive planning thing. I expend a huge amount of energy planning any journeys and I'm always bloody early (no not rude as I wouldn't knock on someone's door early I'd wait until the correct time). If I stop concentrating for a second time would get away from me and I'd run late.
My DH can leave the house at a time that makes me thing he'll be late but then he's always perfectly on time. It's like magic to me.

find the same with smokers. We just have completely different mindsets. So, it's not usually any loss to me to just not bother with them - and the bonus is that I don't have to wait/get covered in smoke.

This thread reminds me of the one where a non smoker was complaining that a smoker was putting her coat on top of her and the non smokers coat was picking up the smell and lots of smokers were denying that the smell could transfer and it wouldn’t be that bad etc.

No matter how many people come on here and say “when I’m late it doesn’t mean I value my time more than that of the person waiting for me” you may not be consciously saying that but that is what your actions say to the other person, whether you mean them to or not, especially if it’s every single time.

MargaretCavendish My apologies, I thought I made it clear in my first paragraph, where I said However, every time I arrived, she would keep me waiting for a minimum of 10 minutes while she finished titivating that I was not habitually late at the beginning.

I could have pointed out to her how rude she was being, you're right. But I guess I thought that a grown adult wouldn't have needed me to teach them that it's bad manners to keep someone waiting.

but that is what your actions say to the other person, whether you mean them to or not,

To some people. I don't think that. I just think they are probably pushed to the limit and a bit disorganised. Or in the case of one friend, crippled with grief/anxiety.

I used to be late all the time and @Lougle has it spot on. If I'm meeting someone at 3 and it takes ten minutes to get there I'd leave the house at 2:50 and wonder why I was late because I wouldn't factor in finding a parking space, paying for parking etc.

Ironically since I had kids, I've improved and I'm rarely late now because I always have to factor in an extra bloody half an hour just to get out the house.

I also really really hate being early but I've no idea why and I do try and hide this from people!

I'm quite badly agoraphobia at the moment. To be left alone for ages in a busy place would trigger a panic attack.

So I'm guessing in this scenario if your left friend hadn't arrived by a certain time after your meeting time, you'd just leave and go home?

I’m usually 5 minutes late and it’s because I underestimate in the time it takes to do things.

But then sometimes I find myself on time and ready but still procrastinating because I feel nervous about the situation involved and don’t want to leave home. I have no idea why.

If you have anxiety and something that genuinely causes you to be late surely your good friends would be aware and understand you may be late and why? I have bad anxiety so am always early, I pull up around the corner to not make people uncomfortable but friends are aware that generally I'm 15 early so sometimes they early text to say 'pop in now if you are here'.

For those with late friends who are piss takers, over half hour late with no communication for example. Or for those dumped at the last minute, if this is all the time then have you spoken to them about It? And if they are selfish and have no reasons but that they consider their time more important why not dump them?

For those late, has a friend ever said to you they are pissed ofg or just left?

And has anyone ever been the habitual last minute 'sorry not coming person? I had someone who was the latter, as I have anxiety i had sympathy (though after twice I resolved not to make an effort again) in case they had similar issues but no, they had got a better male or drug offer.

I used to have a colleague who was renowned for turning up late. She once excused herself by saying that her new breakfast cereal was chewier than her usual, so it had taken her longer to eat it!!

We had an older friend - no longer with us - who would, without fail, if we e.g. said we needed to leave the house at 12.30 to go for lunch, would only start faffing around changing his shoes, finding his jacket, having a wee, etc. at' 12.30, so we'd be leaving 10-15 minutes later.

He was a very controlling and self centred person - not mentally doddery at all - and I swear that he did it because he could, and would quietly enjoy making everyone else fume and mutter while we waited for him.

My DH will need to be somewhere at 9.30. It's a half hour journey so he'll decide to leave at 9. 9 comes around and he'll turn into a whirlwind, snapping at the kids because they don't have shoes on, spending ages finding keys/wallet/specific insoles for whatever shoes he decides to wear. He'll leave in a mad dash 10-15 mins later that he aimed for.
I would need to be somewhere at 9.30 with a half hour journey so I'd aim to walk out of the house at around 8.40. Bags etc get packed and everything we need is put in the front porch ready to go. I make sure the kids are fully dressed etc. Walk out of the door at 8.40, have time to strap the kids in calmly/look at the amazing spider web or whatever they want to show me. Then we set off about 8.45 with a 15 minute buffer for traffic and finding somewhere to park. If we're a little early we'll sit and sing along to a cd or something until it's time to go in.
Obviously adjust some of those tuning so eg if I'm going to visit someone who has a massive driveway I won't need as much time to sort out parking.

I am by no means perfect but lateness makes me anxious, I can't bear the idea of walking in somewhere after I should already have been there.

We have childless friends who are always late. We've stopped telling the kids when they're coming because it's such a pita when your 4yo is sitting on the windowsill desperately waiting for them and they're already an hour late. And yes we've told them and no they haven't changed.

My FIL is late for everything, always. There were about 300 people at my mum's funeral service, every one of them AND FIL actually turned up on time.

The committal was close family/friends only, so about 25 of us. It was about an hour away from where we had the service, FIL knew the location in advance, but totally missed it and turned up after it was over. His excuse? He stopped for petrol!

I hate being late and have a real anxiety about it. I always give my DC and DH 30min earlier leave time. And yet we leave late. At the moment it’s usually linked to baby needing feeding or nappy changed though. We live in a village with lots of country lanes before any main roads so tractors and lost tourists who can’t reverse always have to be factored in

If I'm late it's usually buses. They are completely unreliable.

My mum's like this OP. Drives. Is always late. Then moans that she hasn't the time to stay for a visit.

I have a friend that is often still in bed/not dressed at the arranged time. She is very apologetic and in the past it has not bothered me too much - but really how hard is it to set an alarm get out of bed and get dressed at a particular time? Last time I rushed around to be ready on time, and then had to sit and wait for an hour for her to get showered and dressed before heading out.

I have a few friends who are always late and I asked one once why. Her reason was that she gets ready in time then starts doing "just one more thing", time gets away from her and then she's late. Mind you my late friends always texts to say they're gonna be late.
I'm always on time or a bit early, I try not to get annoyed about other people's lateness if it's a coffee date etc but if we have to be somewhere at a specific time it's different. I'm usually the driver when we go anywhere as I don't drink so I warn everyone that if they're not ready when I come and get them I'll not wait and go without them. I text them before I'm leaving to remind them what time, text them as I'm leaving, turn up at the time said and they have never not been ready. (They know I mean it about not waiting!)

Yes that's another thing my mum does. Moan that you're leaving early and there hasn't been time to chat. But if she'd turned up at the same time as everyone else she'd have had a lovely long session.

It doesn't matter how much time I give myself, how much earlier I'm ready, I am somehow late 99% of the time and end up rushing - although only 5-10 mins. I don't seem to have any concept of how long things take or end up procrastinating, even for things I do daily, and unfortunately, it's a trait I've seemingly passed onto my DC. Members of my family are the same, and many friends I have, but we make allowances for each other because it is expected. We always tell my best friend to meet us an hour earlier than needed because we know she won't make it! I'm not good at concentrating and can be very disorganised/do things last minute instead of planning ahead/more laid back than some people.

It's got absolutely nothing to do with thinking your time is more important than others, and it's not that I don't care. Although I wouldn't make myself late by purposely doing errands along the way.

I also wouldn't moan about someone being 'late' because they cancelled something the night before

I've not RTFT but I work with someone who is always (and I mean always) late. She's late for work every day, sometimes arriving up to twenty minutes after the start time - she's part of management though so no one ever really says anything. She's been late for meetings, job interviews and once nearly missed a flight as she spent too long getting ready before deciding to travel to the airport. We've casually spoken about it & she knows she does it, even saying herself that she just potters about before realising it's time to go and then she's rushing about. It's something I find difficult to understand if I'm honest, but then I'm chronically early to everything and get anxious if the thought of being late pops up!