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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you're always late, can I ask why?

568 replies

CulinaryUnderbelly · 13/05/2018 14:14

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else Angry

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

OP posts:
Stickitupthebunting · 13/05/2018 22:26

Very little time for socialising, so actually I value the time I do have very highly. That means I may have been looking forward to seeing that person all week.

But I'll probably still be just on time/late, because I have so much to fucking do.

I don't have the ten minutes to be there early, because ten minutes ago, I was supposed to be somewhere else, or I've been grabbed by someone, or a kid has puked, or, or...

PrimalLass · 13/05/2018 22:43

People who are always late do not care enough to be on time.

Maybe they don't care enough to spend time with judgey 'friends' who don't bother listening to explanations given and think their opinion is the only correct one.

NotMyFinestMoment · 13/05/2018 23:01

I think some people are just not good with time. I'm like that. In recent times I've wondered if there might be something underlying it medically and causing it as I've been like this since childhood, it took me a long time to learn to read the time (yet I was pretty good at maths in general), I remember being 9 or 10 and asking every day if it was my birthday as I could not get my brain around the concept of dates or the passing of time. Even now it feels like maybe 15 mins have passed yet when I look at the clock it's maybe three times that amount of time has passed. I've frequently spent maybe three hours getting ready yet am still 5 mins late and I do not understand how that is possible. From my own perspective I am beyond mortified if I am late and someone is waiting on me. Now i repeat alarms to make sure I get up, do most of the planning the day before. I think a big thing for me is I have to have a clock right in front of me (or watch) as I misjudge the time so badly. In saying that, I've never lost a job due to timekeeping. I plan with military precision and I always allow extra time for travel, sort out the travel in advance, use alarms on my phone. I also have worked out that if left to my own devices I am generally about 15 mins late, so when I note down the date and time of my appointment, I put it down as 20 mins earlier then the stated time. I normally get there on time or early for the original appointment.

In regards to your friend, if she is always approximately a certain amount of time late, say 20-30 mins late. Make your appointment time 30 mins earlier then you actually want to meet. If she is habitually late, she is unlikely to be there on time and should be there for the time you want. It's not for you to have to chase her and remind her to do x, y, z but she's unlikely to change until she realises she has a problem. Perhaps a polite word in her ear explaining that you find it rude to be kept waiting around and feel taken for granted. Perhaps drop it into the conversation but make out it's to do with another person messing you about (not her). She will then probably understand that her behaviour is generally unnaceptable and rude. Maybe she's never realised that or thought you weren't so bothered about it. Maybe she'll have a rethink and get her act together.

eightfacesofthemoon · 13/05/2018 23:08

@PrimalLass
No one minds it’s every now and again. And I would sympathise with someone who had a horrific journey that went wrong.
But consistently late is simply fucking RUDE.

if you don’t give enough of a shit to make an effort it becomes abundantly clear.

Most people like this can turn up to work on time, go to an appointment on time, pick their kids up on time. So clearly there are some things they decide they will think about more than other things.
END OF

franktheskank · 13/05/2018 23:16

I'm always late but it wouldn't bother me if someone else was late tbh, I'm just laid back, I couldn't be friends with someone who was so uptight.

PrimalLass · 13/05/2018 23:17

People have EXPLAINED that it's not about those they are meeting. It's about their own issues/insecurities etc.

If friends still persist in thinking it's about them, then so be it.

There's another thread going on tonight about PA volunteering. I over-commit to things like that and get more and more busy. It's not that I don't care about other people, I care too much and can't always cope.

But I guess I'm just selfish and think my time is worth more...

eightfacesofthemoon · 13/05/2018 23:22

@PrimalLass
Lots of people have explained (made excuses)
I don’t care if someone is 10 mins late. That’s life
But if you can’t cope with all the extras you’ve taken on, and you’d like to be a martyr because you can’t say no. Then so be it!
But I will still think it’s fucking rude

NotMyFinestMoment · 13/05/2018 23:25

I was going to say that I currently have the same problem with someone I know in that she cancels at the last minute, e.g. we are supposed to meet at 4:00pm but she cancels at 3:51pm (I know it's totally outrageous). She's messed me around for every single appointment that we have made even when I've spelled it out and very clearly. Now I say to her, confirm on the morning that we are still meeting. She invariably doesn't get back to me but still thinks the meeting is on and turns up. Whilst I'm still at home having a cup of tea. Then when she messages asking will you be here soon and then depending on if I still feel like going, I will attend. Alternatively, I state that you did not confirm this morning as previously agreed so as far as i am aware the meeting is off. First I thought, she was rude, then I thought she was lazy, then I thought she was stupid. I've subsequently found out she has autisim and I think dyspraxia, when you make plans with her her, she is very disorganised. She has a heart of gold and is a good person but struggles with planning and organisational skills. So by putting it in writing in the clearest and shortest way possible, e.g. are we still meeting? Please confirm. If I don't hear from you I will assume the meeting is off." The other one is "please call or message me as you are leaving". Only after I've received that will I leave out. After not bothering to text or call as arranged and her waiting around for 30-40 mins, she's now starting to confirm the appointment, cancel in good time and advise when she is leaving as otherwise, she ends up the one having to stand around waiting or she is the one who is being cancelled. It is working and she arrived on time and without the usual messing about and time wasting. Whenever she's looked a bit peed off, I've referred her back to the text message and she's realised that she's been kept waiting because of her own inability to do something.

NotMyFinestMoment · 13/05/2018 23:27

*Sorry I don't know why it went it to a big block like that without paragraphs. It must have been when I switched between the preview and then edited it again. Apologies for that.

leghoul · 13/05/2018 23:34

ADHD
Cannot estimate time
Lose everything
Get more stressed
Other massive life stressors
Have missed planes & it has cost a fortune
Nothing to do with valuing people's time blablabla

PrimalLass · 13/05/2018 23:41

But if you can’t cope with all the extras you’ve taken on, and you’d like to be a martyr because you can’t say no. Then so be it!

Nope I hate it actually. But life's complicated like that.

BlackeyedSusan · 13/05/2018 23:43

we get to school on time. there are fines and disgrace if not. (negative consequences)

the rest... disorganised, over ambitious trying to do too much in too short a time) , two children with additional needs, my own condition, just leave me lacking the motivation if there are no negative consequences.

ex can not see that if a journey is 30 minutes and we leave 25 minutes before we are supposed to arrive, then we are late. as in he really does not understand this. however, he can manage coping mechanisms for work/interviews, he chooses not to use them when it is family etc. (or maybe he can not due to his suspected disability/condition)

TittyFahLaEtcetera · 13/05/2018 23:45

Chronic illness, anxiety and possible inattentive ADHD here.

I am genuinely late for everything. Usually only by 5-10 minutes, even when I only have myself to look after and not DC. I've been turned away from appointments for it even. It's a real problem. I've tried all kinds of things but I can rarely sustain it, or something always goes wrong to hold me up, like unexpected roadworks or an accident on the motorway. It makes my anxiety worse and I absolutely despair of myself.

I'm only ever on time if someone is picking me up to go somewhere, usually because I'm anxious and get ready early then sit around waiting nervously, thinking they're not going to show (I think this anxiety in particular is why I arrive a few minutes late, as I like to make sure they're definitely there first). Interestingly my parents are chronically late too, with no underlying reason. DSis is usually 10 minutes early.

TittyFahLaEtcetera · 13/05/2018 23:49

FTR I have nearly missed planes many times, but have never travelled alone, so have always had someone to chivvy me or when I was younger, grab my wheelchair and push me. I'm planning on taking DC on holiday alone, will probably go to the airport the night before our flight out of anxiety! Grin

eightfacesofthemoon · 13/05/2018 23:49

Life is only as complicated as we chose to make it! Sometimes saying no is the best thing we can do in life.
Something I am only just beginning to learn.
I say yes to everyone and everything.
(Though I am still rarely late Wink)

Flobalob · 13/05/2018 23:54

My DH is always late for everything. It's because he doesn't factor in slack time. So, say a journey takes half an hour and he has to be somewhere at 2pm, he'd try to leave at 1.30pm but then he might need to look for his keys or need the look etc.
Whereas, when I'm by myself I'm often early. If I need to do that same journey, I'd think that I'd need to leave somewhere between 1 and 1.15pm. If I think 1pm in my head and then I get delayed I'd still be on time.
The spanner in the works is my autistic daughter who is often late due to anxiety. If you try to rush her, it has the opposite effect. I often wonder if this is what the issue is with my DH.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/05/2018 00:24

"Maybe they don't care enough to spend time with judgey 'friends' who don't bother listening to explanations given and think their opinion is the only correct one."

Ah so it's the on time (ish) person's fault!

Gwenhwyfar · 14/05/2018 00:26

"People have EXPLAINED that it's not about those they are meeting. It's about their own issues/insecurities etc. "

No, they haven't EXPLAINED that at all. They've made excuses and admitted that they can be on time when they want to e.g. job interview, but that they think they're too important to risk being early to meet a friend.

MirriVan · 14/05/2018 03:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrimalLass · 14/05/2018 05:52

No, they haven't EXPLAINED that at all. They've made excuses and admitted that they can be on time when they want to e.g. job interview, but that they think they're too important to risk being early to meet a friend.

Yes I'm sure that the posters who have said they have ADHD, anxiety etc are just making excuses.

I'm not even a particularly late person. But I do believe in cutting my friends some slack.

elastamum · 14/05/2018 06:20

I will be late to pretty much every meeting today as my diary is booked back to back all day. My team forget that sometimes I need to grab a cuppa or go to the loo!

JenBarber · 14/05/2018 06:22

This is usually the reason, OP.

If you're always late, can I ask why?
Gwenhwyfar · 14/05/2018 06:59

"I do believe in cutting my friends some slack."

So do I. I'm fine with 15-20 mins late, but not with an hour late if we're eating and everyone is waiting for someone to be able to order.
One of my late friends has ADHD as well. He's the one who goes home if I'm not there on time so that I then have to wait for him to come back. No matter what I do, he will not be the one waiting for me. Even with ADHD he manages to be on time for job interviews, planes, etc.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/05/2018 07:03

" find the same with smokers.
We just have completely different mindsets. So, it's not usually any loss to me to just not bother with them - and the bonus is that I don't have to wait/get covered in smoke. "

I know some nice smokers. As long as they go outside to smoke it's not a huge problem, though I wouldn't go out with one. Re. the mindset I do find that smokers tended to be the ones who wanted to impress the cool/naughty kids at school and I do find that a bit of a turn-off so a new acquaintance will go down in my estimation when I find out they smoke.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/05/2018 07:19

I do believe in cutting my friends some slack.

There is cutting someone some slack and being taken for a ride. There is a point where it is no longer about someone being late it is about how much they think about you as a person.

Even from the posts on here its been about excuses for being late and not about the person waiting (and yes have read the title of the thread).

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