If you're always late, can I ask why?

[CulinaryUnderbelly]

Is it because you think your time is more important than the person's who is waiting for you? Or do you just not care that you're going to be late?

I've had this for 15 years with someone and I'm sick of the excuses, like "we had to do X on the way".

The worst time was when they cancelled the night before because they had arranged something else

It would be very difficult for me to not see them anymore, but I would just like to know how people get through life always being late and disorganised. Is it because you're always forgiven?

After this thread, I'm so convinced that I'm going to be late tomorrow I've just had to go around the house doing my morning checks again, I know I've done it already but keys, shoes, bags, clothes laid out, everything where it should be... I AM organised, honest... I'm sure I've forgotten something!!!

Optimism. I'm always late, because I think 'oh, it's half past now, it takes five mins to get there, there's time for me to quickly do xyz'.

Also, scared of offending the neighbours who spot me rushing, and say hello, and ask how everyone is, and how's it all going, and tell me their dog just died. I never know when I'll need them for me, and I know they'd never mind being late for someone else if I did need them, so how can I not give them their 5-10mins they need? Sometimes I budget for it, but if I'm grabbed by more than one, it's fatal.

Disorganisation, or actually, just too much to do in the time available. So I'm always chasing my own tail.

Nothing to do with how valuable I think your time is.

Although the people who get me with thinking their time is more valuable is the fuckers who turn up early. 'I don't mind driving, get to mine at eight,' does not mean 'get there at half seven, and make me feel guilty and embarrassed that I'm not ready, slow everything down making small talk, make the rest of the family feel invaded, etc. Being early is often ruder than being late, imo.

For 15 of my adult years I was bang on time. Never ever late not even by a minute. Then my daughter died and I realised that I didn't give a shit about much else. I used to care awfully what someone would think of me being a late person but now if I'm 10 minutes late I don't fret. Bit dramatic it seems but true

Oh, and I've been known to miss trains and planes, yes.

Being early makes me really anxious about all that wasted time. I have so much to do, I can't just sit there, how lazy.

For me it's being too optimistic and not leaving enough time for things to go wrong.

Hmm, a little guilty of that, yes. Although I've definitely been late for work, missed trains, come close to missing planes.

There is a reason for it I can recognise in hindsight.

Work - is a routine, it stays the same every day. Therefore you work out the plan, you stick to it, as long as you do the same thing every time you can't go wrong.

Big train/plane journeys are infrequent, one-off events. There's usually some other transport involved since you don't always drive there so you need to work out timing quite carefully. With a plane there is also leeway as you know you need to be at the airport 2 hours before to deal with security, check in, etc. Perhaps with trains too, e.g. if you're planning to pick up tickets at the station.

Meeting with friends is neither a big journey/event, nor a routine. You tend to meet them fairly locally, meaning that you think you have an idea of how long it takes to get there. That would mean that I wouldn't typically think to plan this out to the degree that I would a long, important journey.

What I've learned of course is that I have to apply that level of planning for the big important journey to every little thing. When I do this, it works fine. The problem is that I have to prompt myself to remember to do that, it's not an automatic assumption, and sometimes I forget or fall back onto my "Oh it takes 20 minutes to get to

"Being early makes me really anxious about all that wasted time. I have so much to do, I can't just sit there, how lazy."

But it's OK for other people to sit there waiting for you?

I'm now always late for 2 people because they were always at least half an hour late. They really dont like turnsbout is fair play.

For everyone else I'm early as i have anxiety and need to be.

Being early makes me really anxious about all that wasted time. I have so much to do, I can't just sit there, how lazy."

Then I suggest not meeting with anyone who is committed to meeting you at a certain time.

" I'll then knock another to the floor when taking out the one I want so will have to re-hang it, and then I will do the buttons up wrong so have to undo and re-button it. "

No, you re-hang it once you're home.

" I'll think "It will only take me 5 mins to hang out this laundry" but in reality it is a 15 minute task."

But once you've done it once, you know don't you? Write it down if you have to.

I'm also slower when I'm tired - I take longer to get ready in the morning than the afternoon.

Username - I have 2 friends who are always late as well. My being late for them just doesn't work as they consider their time too important to be spent waiting for me. If I'm late they'll go off somewhere or one of them will go home so I then have to text again when I'm there and wait for him to arrive. These people just cannot be the ones who are waiting on their own.

I always mean to be on time.

If the person I'm meeting is 5-10 mins late, which is how late I would deem acceptable, then I wouldn't mind at all.

But this idea that I should get to places half an hour early so I'm never late, well, where am I supposed to get those half hours from?

And if people start arriving half an hour early at mine, they can expect a flustered reception!

I aim to be on time, I suspect most 'late' types do.

I have got a lot better at being on time but used to be a fairly bad offender, probably because my parents were always late. I never believed my time was more important than someone else's. Quite the opposite in fact, I would feel mortified at being late, in a flap and embarrassed. I got better since having kids and having to practice getting everyone out the door so often! But I also think this: I realised it's actually a possibility to get somewhere 10 mins early. This had honestly never occurred to me. And not only is it ok, it's actually really very nice. You don't feel panicked, you don't look a hot sweaty mess. You can even enjoy a coffee while you wait, or a stroll around the area, or play on your phone in the car for a bit listening to music. You feel composed and mature and even a bit superior (!). It's really blimming nice to be early. This was a revelation for me.

Just arrange with them to meet you 1/2hr before you want to meet OP.

Thats a shame Gwenhwyfar, do you change the time of meeting to earlier to compensate or just not going out with them any more?

Out of my two one of them has the hump that everyone has started being late for him. The other has started to try and be on time for me because she hated being left for 15 minutes by me and I told her that next time I'd just leave, without saying, so she would be left sitting until she realised.

Both are always a minimum of on 30 minutes plus late without even an text. My male friend even reads messages of 'where are you' and ignores them.

On the first page @WorraLiberty said it as it is. People who are always late do not care enough to be on time. It really is that simple. They don't care enough about others' inconvenience. I know 5 chronically late people and this is true of all of them. They are nwver going to be wrifing their hands saying 'I'm so worried I've inconvenienced someone'. They are all quite selfish individuals!

I'm always late too. Its all the reasons above: I underestimate how long things will take me, I think I'll 'just' do whatever before I go, and also, yes, I dont care. And I HATE people being early too, esp to a party/ dinner I'm hosting. Ffs I'm still trying to dress/cook! Far rather they were late. So maybe we do as we would like to be done by...

Culinary, as someone who is a “continually late” I try hard to get everywhere on time- most people say, but you’re never that late, but that’s because I actually in my mind set to be everywhere 30 minutes before arranged, I generally arrive just on time or 20 odd minutes early.
I’d far prefer to waste my own times than that of others, I actually refuse to meet with some people who I’m quite fond of, because I’m unprepared to be left waiting like a wally for upto an hour by people who decide to go and do a bit of shopping or pick up jewellery or do some banking on the way in that always takes longer than they thought it would.

Gwen - leaving a trail of dropped things and spills is not really an option if you are not going to be the first person to return home. Also, sometimes it does take me 5 mins to hang out the laundry, and I don't have an ability to judge when it will take me 15 mins instead.

Some things just take longer than is really explicable. I have learned that I need to allow 5 minutes in my morning routine to walk down stairs, get my coat from the cupboard, pick up my keys from the key dish, pick up my bag and leave the house locking the door behind me. I live in a small terrace house so I have no idea why this should take me 5 mins, but if I don't allow that time, I will be late for my train.

I am better than I used to be, but know I'm not great. I would like to think that I am now late less than 50% of the time, but I still usually have to rush everywhere to make appointments. However, I'm not talking in the order of an hour late, which even I find rude. It is more in the region of 15 mins late for a social meeting, 5-10 mins late for work although this might creep to 15 mins if it is a whole day event (I am self employed) and less than 5 mins for dentist, hairdresser etc (although I have managed to get a lot better at these and am not often late now).

People who are always late do not care enough to be on time.

They may care a great deal about their friends and trying to be on time, and worry about being late. But even worse fears might take over. It doesn't mean they don't care just as much (or more) as the punctual person. It means something even stronger (a phobia for example) is getting in the way.

Far from feeling their time is more important than someone else's, the late person may actually be thinking "I don't deserve this person's time and attention, they'll probably appreciate an unexpected extra few minutes without my company."

"Just arrange with them to meet you 1/2hr before you want to meet OP."

No, it won't work. They get wise to it. They'll factor it in next time.

"Thats a shame Gwenhwyfar, do you change the time of meeting to earlier to compensate or just not going out with them any more?"

No, like I've said they're wise to false times and things like that. If I'm not there when they arrive they'll go and do something or go home. They're like some people on this thread who think their time is more important. One has ADHD, but I don't believe he really couldn't be on time if he made an effort. He manages for the doctor etc. I just put up with it as I'm OK with being on my own in a pub/cafe. I did get really annoyed once when one of them was late for my birthday meal and we were all waiting to order.
I have to admit I can be up to 15 mins late myself for informal things but these two can be an hour late.

"It is more in the region of 15 mins late for a social meeting, 5-10 mins late for work although this might creep to 15 mins if it is a whole day event (I am self employed) and less than 5 mins for dentist, hairdresser etc (although I have managed to get a lot better at these and am not often late now)."

I wouldn't even count that as late.

I would be perfectly happy if any of my friends arranged to meet me half an hour before they actually wanted to. On occasions that my friends arrive later than I do, I feel only relief that I am not the person delaying and inconveniencing someone else for a change. Like a PP said, most of my friends are fairly relaxed about timings, as are family, and being up to half an hour later than originally scheduled is not seen as a big deal. That's about the limit though.

"But this idea that I should get to places half an hour early so I'm never late, well, where am I supposed to get those half hours from?"

If you don't have half an hour, how do you have time for socialising at all?