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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to live past my 80s

164 replies

Echobelly · 13/05/2018 09:42

My granddad has been lucky to have relatively good health, but since turning 90 things are so hard for him, again even with relatively good health for his age. He can't commit 100% to a lot of things as some days he's just not up to anything, it's hard for him to enjoy holidays like he used to as he can hardly walk anywhere. I feel really sad to see him living like this - I wouldn't want to. And I know I'm not going to be one of those 90+ years old doing yoga or whatever, as I have a joint problem so my mobility's probably going to be shot relatively early. I think I 'd rather go by my mid-80s thanks.

OP posts:
JenBarber · 13/05/2018 09:44

Agreed.

I work in a care home and it's not a life I'd want for myself.

FrazzledAndFeelingIt · 13/05/2018 09:45

Totally agree.

NewYearNewMe18 · 13/05/2018 09:45

I agree. I work with the elderly and its a frightening prospect.

PsychoSyd · 13/05/2018 09:46

I totally understand. The men in my family tend to just drop dead. The women, well, we linger until there's nothing left of us but a shell. I do not want this. I want a happy, healthy and as active as possible fifteen to twenty odd years after I retire and then hopefully just go.

thegreylady · 13/05/2018 09:47

Wait till you get there! Most people don’t live beyond their 80s but some do and are independent.

DearMrDilkington · 13/05/2018 09:47

Completely agree. The fags will probably finish me off before I get to 90 anyway...

crayoladreamz · 13/05/2018 09:47

I agree. It’s all
Over the news at the moment about guernsey voting to decide if they’re going to legalise assisted dying. Let’s hope they do and the uk follows.

Our pets currently have a more humane end of life than our loved ones in some cases.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 13/05/2018 09:49

Hopefully medicine, health and nutrition will have improved by then.
Perhaps a generation or 2 ago being 80 was seen as decrepit.
I hope I will live to my 90’s, but am taking steps in my 40s now to build the foundation of good health

SecretIsland · 13/05/2018 09:50

I really don't think you can put an arbitrary age on it.

Nothing drastic happens when you turn 90. How your grandads health is now could be yours at 100 after having a fit and active decade in your 90's. Or it could be how you are when you turn 70.

My grandmother is 88 and completely fit and active and loving life...plenty of that age aren't though.

YouWereRight · 13/05/2018 09:50

I don't really want to get past 70 if I'm honest. The thought of being old terrifies me.

ferrier · 13/05/2018 09:51

I'm hoping to have good health and activity levels into my 90s and am taking active step towards this now.
I've given instructions to my dc about DNRs but must get these written down.

Gorganzolabrie · 13/05/2018 09:51

My step father died recently at 96. In the last few years he was very frail and deeply frustrated by his lack of mobility. However he maintained a lively interest in the world and had no wish to leave. He said he had no fear of death but would like to live to 100.

You can't know how you'll feel until you get there.

Rainboho · 13/05/2018 09:51

I completely agree with you OP. I don’t want to just exist, in physical and mental pain, burdening my children.

I want a good death if I get to certain age. I don’t want to spend my life working to pay for care for a miserable last few years. I just hope the laws in this country change to allow me that choice.

CountFosco · 13/05/2018 09:53

The end of life is always shit whatever age it happens at. My Dad died in his 60s from cancer, the last few years of his life were rubbish for him. He went very quickly from being full of life to frail. You don't avoid frailty by dying in your 80s, 70s or 60s, it just happens sooner than if you die in your 90s.

feral · 13/05/2018 09:54

I wouldn't put an age on it. I want to go if I've lost capacity and / or I need people coming to wipe my backside four times a day.

MatildaTheCat · 13/05/2018 10:00

The thing is you can’t predict how you will feel when you reach decrepitude.MIL was bedbound, virtually unable to move, couldn’t feed herself but was sound of mind. When her swallowing was becoming too difficult to eat even liquidised food I had a very difficult conversation about what she might do if offered a feeding tube. To my complete dismay she immediately said she would have no choice but to accept.

Ten or twenty years earlier she would never have said that but when death is the reality she couldn’t let go. We were sad but relieved that she died without the tube ever being offered.

SerenDippitty · 13/05/2018 10:06

My mother, grandmother and great grandmother lived to an average 90.6 years. My mother was 93 when she died last year but had dementia. I couldn’t say I definitely don’t want to live to a similar age without knowing what quality of life I might have. I’m trying to look after myself as much as I can.

FreshStartToday · 13/05/2018 10:08

YANBU - my Grandma was very spritely and active, but used to complain that after 90 "everything ached".

However I have a good friend and a MIL who are both 93 and are both inspirational. Both keep active, dress well, are v. positive, interested in the world and still very very interested in and involved with their families. I have often felt gratitude to them as they went through their eighties, as they gave me a view of what, with the benefit of good health, old age can be like. They are both lovely people who have a really good quality of life. I aspire to be like them, and hope that I can age with half as much grace.

stargirl1701 · 13/05/2018 10:10

@YouWereRight

70! I only retire at 68. 😳

Racecardriver · 13/05/2018 10:10

Is not about age though, some people are like that in their sixties. It is purely a question of how well you take care of yourself. You will inevitably end up like that eventually unless you die quite suddenly.

Storm4star · 13/05/2018 10:24

There are situations where I will definitely end my life. I’m not going into a care home for sure. My adult DCs know this and respect my feelings on the matter. It doesn’t matter to me what the law says, worst case scenario I’ll just get a load of sleeping tablets from the internet!

spanieleyes · 13/05/2018 10:27

My mother and two aunts have dementia, my father has liver and kidney disease and has had two heart attacks. I have no wish to go through any of that, ending my own life seems a much better option ( at the moment!)

CookPassBabtridge · 13/05/2018 10:34

I agree. I don't want to live as long as possible. I want to live until I start deteriorating and then switch off, saying goodbye to everyone.. I think this should be how it is. Why do people need to suffer in old age so long? We have an obsession with long life. And eternal hope that things will improve. Other cultures are more accepting of death than us.

My grandad got to 89 with no problems and then hurt his back, and went downhill from there and suffered horribly for 6 months.. he should have been able to stop it all before that and keep his dignity. I would have loved to say goodbye to my dad properly before the cancer got so bad that he didn't want to be around anyone.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 13/05/2018 10:37

It depends how you age.

Some friend’s parents are 60 and in a right old state of obesity and diabetes and cardiovascular disease. No quality of life and this terrifies me.

Yet I know plenty of spritely 80 year olds.

As far as I can see, its 90 per cent lifestyle and the rest luck/genetics.

CookPassBabtridge · 13/05/2018 10:38

Plus yes I'd rather my kids enjoyed an inheritance rather than go on my care.