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Original poster

Not to want to live past my 80s

164 replies

Echobelly · 13/05/2018 09:42

My granddad has been lucky to have relatively good health, but since turning 90 things are so hard for him, again even with relatively good health for his age. He can't commit 100% to a lot of things as some days he's just not up to anything, it's hard for him to enjoy holidays like he used to as he can hardly walk anywhere. I feel really sad to see him living like this - I wouldn't want to. And I know I'm not going to be one of those 90+ years old doing yoga or whatever, as I have a joint problem so my mobility's probably going to be shot relatively early. I think I 'd rather go by my mid-80s thanks.

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 13/05/2018 14:34

dreary, well said, my old dad is working class and knew how to take care of himself, so did my mum and she had Parkinsons aged 80.
nobody knows whats round the corner, whoever you are or income bracket!

evilharpy · 13/05/2018 14:37

My dad is 83 and in a terrible state, has absolutely no life whatsoever and is in constant pain and a shadow of himself even 10 years ago. It's heartbreaking. It's not a life. I never ever want to be like that.

In fact I don't want to get to a point where I can't live independently. If a time comes when I can't wash and dress myself, get myself to the toilet etc, that would be it, I'd be making other arrangements.

agedknees · 13/05/2018 14:41

My dsis has a degenerative life limiting condition. She’s only 58. It sucks. Both my parents died early, 58 and 63. A lot of it is genetics.

The80sweregreat · 13/05/2018 14:44

evil, making other arrangements where though? clinics abroad are expensive and the rest doesnt bear thinking about really.
my fil said the same to me and it made me think - as much as i wouldnt want to live like it either! they have got us where they want us regarding all this.

evilharpy · 13/05/2018 14:48

I'd be happy to go abroad, Switzerland or wherever else might be a feasible/legal choice depending on what happens between now and then.

user1457017537 · 13/05/2018 14:51

Growing up not many people survived past late 60s/70. Women especially looked very old from about 40 and lost teeth etc. This longevity to 90s is relatively new and I think now the retirement age has been raised to 67 it will start to reverse.

pigsDOfly · 13/05/2018 14:52

I'm going to be 70 at the end of this year, I'm not ready to fall off the twig yet as I'm pretty fit, eat very well, as in lot's of all the right things and very few of the wrong things, and keep active. But the idea of getting really old and ill terrifies me.

I wish we had assisted dying in this country. It's far kinder and certainly more humane than forcing people to die slowly and painfully because we have this idea that life at any cost is preferable to death.

I wouldn't force my dog to go on living the way some people are made to live.

The80sweregreat · 13/05/2018 14:53

evil, i am planning to try and save up 10k ( i am 53 now and have no intention of living to my late 90s like my own dad) so i have to get saving. it will be more by then i suppose, but its in my plans for the future.
i think it will reverse too, they go on about the obesity crisis and unhealthy lifestyles and so on. things will start to go backwards again maybe.

The80sweregreat · 13/05/2018 14:55

pigs, i totally agree, everyone should visit a care home in any part of the country and a few may change their minds about how we treat people with terminal or mental health illness or disease. we should be allowed to do a living will while we still can!

DiamondsBestFriend · 13/05/2018 15:15

I think that we have idealised assisted dying though.

We talk about how assisted dying should be legalised in this country, how if it were legal we would all shuffle off the earth at a time of our own choosing. And yet in countries where assisted dying is legal this is not routinely happening.

So clearly assisted dying isn’t the answer, no matter how much we think it might be.

The80sweregreat · 13/05/2018 15:19

diamond, to be fair, they probably cant afford it or their own Doctors wont sign them off to do it, has to be a reason.

a lot of people, such as my own dad, do have ' its gods will' attitude, he would never agree to go anywhere or do what that man did in Australia.
a lot of people would though, we are not allowed a choice in it, thats what i find unfair, but thats just me.

DiamondsBestFriend · 13/05/2018 15:36

But that’s not going to be any different if assisted dying is legalised in the UK. People still won’t be able to aford it. People with dementia won’t be cleared.

There isn’t a higher rate of assisted dying in countries where it is legal which clearly indicates that assisted dying isn’t the answer which people seem to think it would be if it became legal.

FWIW I can see why people would want to be helped to die in certain circumstances, but the very fact that the clinics in other countries have the time and space to accommodate foreigners is very clear indication that the locals are not as in favour as the people campaigning for it in other countries.

Actually I was led to believe that Switzerland will soon be changing the law to prevent foreigners going there to end their lives as the locals voted against it as they feel that Switzerland has become like a suicide tourist destination.

The80sweregreat · 13/05/2018 15:39

Maybe We should all be told to do living wills held with a solicitor. That would overrule everything.

Hugsythespacecowboy · 13/05/2018 15:40

I don't either. My OH's grandparents are in their 80s and are absolutely miserable :(

Hugsythespacecowboy · 13/05/2018 15:42

That said, my next door but one neighbour is in her 80s and you'd never know it. She dresses young and classy, has an allotment, enjoys a drink and good music, has a lovely home and a social life. She's a total bitch too but she has a good life, ha.

The80sweregreat · 13/05/2018 15:44

Depends on your health doesn’t it? That’s really the bottom line.

catinapatchofsunshine · 13/05/2018 15:58

I agree with these saying it's a state of irreversible ill health and dependence that I don't want to go on living with, not a numerical age. I cannot stand the idea of being totally dependent upon anyone.

I worked in a care home and remember the women (only ever women) who'd tell me they'd outlived their husbands, siblings, friends and finally their own children, and couldn't get on and off the toilet without help, and couldn't concentrate to read, and had been useful all their lives and now needed looking after and just didn't want that, plus everything ached. Many of them would say "I can't do it any more, let me die!" and I'd have to say sorry, you know I can't do that... Sad and say we (staff) would miss them, but really I understood and sympathised.

Usually once women actually started saying that they wouldn't last a year though, because they just gave up, couldn't be persuaded to eat enough or move enough, and became much frailer very fast.

The80sweregreat · 13/05/2018 16:22

women do say it a lot more - men don’t in my experience!

catinapatchofsunshine · 13/05/2018 16:31

I think it's because women are socialised to be constantly "doing something useful" and looking after someone else The80s - probably less so now, but certainly the women who are in their 80s and 90s now. It's hard to accept no longer being useful and becoming the one needing looking after. Men used to be socialised to "do" earning a wage but be quite comfortable with being looked after by a mother and then wife domestically.

The80sweregreat · 13/05/2018 16:33

Catin - my dad in a nutshell! He is 96 though. No wonder his lived to his age!

Original poster
Echobelly · 13/05/2018 16:34

It's interesting that I guess this is coming to be more of a point now that we are seeing so many more people die at a more advanced age, often after living in a very frail and/or neurologically poor state for years. It used to be that advanced age was seen as a blessing but I think as it becomes more common it seems much less that way.

OP posts:
boysmum2 · 13/05/2018 16:36

I'm 46 and everything aches.
My dad is 86 and in a nursing home - although he is well looked after, I would hate it it for myself.

The80sweregreat · 13/05/2018 16:36

Echo - I personally don’t want to live if I can’t do anything for myself. I don’t understand why governments don’t get this point of view, even though I know it’s not as black and white as that. Why should I live if I don’t want to because of illness?

MuddlingThroughLife · 13/05/2018 16:37

I used to be terrified of dying. Now though, the sooner I die the sooner I'll be reunited with my son.

I also have two girls and so would like to live to a ripe old age to see them grow up, settle and have families.

But like I say, I'm no longer afraid of dying.

Mousefunky · 13/05/2018 16:40

I don’t have an ideal age. My DP’S DGM is in her late seventies and is in a care home following a stroke. She can’t move, has had numerous health problems and is in nappies. Once I reach a state like that, I want out. Even if I were 50 and requiring someone to change my shitty nappies, I’m afraid I’d rather be dead.