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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to discourage my son from making his children vegan

187 replies

Esspee · 12/05/2018 20:22

My DS and DIL have gone vegan in the last year. They are very well informed so I kept quiet about my reservations.

Tonight on FaceTime my elder grandchild explained that the shadows under her sister's eyes are caused by lack of iron and said something about her bruising and mentioned seeing the doctor. I said nothing as I don't want to cause a family rift but my darling granddaughters seem to be suffering because of their parents following a fad.
What can/should I do?

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 12/05/2018 23:16

I had a friend who became vegan a few years ago, and there was something almost cult like in it. she started to post on her social media about the meat industry, then it was the dairy industry...ok fine, but then she started distancing herself from her friends in favour of her new vegan friends who were very unpleasant in how the spoke to her old friends. she became fanatical and we were all deeply concerned about her, not because of her choice of what to eat, but how these people were influencing her every thought and action.
I am NOT for a second saying all vegans are like this, of course they aren't. I have plenty of other vegan friends who are the same people they've always been, but there is a definite small, but quite ominous subset who are extremely evangelical in their approach and I think OP seems to have concerns that her DS and DIL maybe this type.

That said, I think you need to have a conversation with your son. Don't go in at his choices, just ask casually about what the children told you. Did the DC actually SAY it was due to their diet, or have you extrapolated that because you are not a fan of their lifestyle choices? anaemia is easily treated without needing meat in your diet.

titchy · 12/05/2018 23:16

Because you stated the nutritional content of the diet itself was responsible for our development which is incorrect.

Kpo58 · 12/05/2018 23:19

There is no religion as far as I am aware that restricts food choices as much as being a vegan.
Jainism does. There is a reason you rarely find them here.

I would be interested in what their definition of well informed is. Is it watching some faddy YouTube videos or looking up scientific studies?

Teacuphiccup · 12/05/2018 23:22

There is a reason you rarely find them here.

What’s the reason?

jaynelovesagathachristie · 12/05/2018 23:30

Gahh no one is misguided. I'm a veggie but my children eat meat as i don't want my ideas on them, they can choose later. However you sound too self righteous and if my family member said I was misguided in my beliefs I would be majorly pissed off at you. They sound sensible, it's not bloody regressive either. In my view we've evolved where we don't have to eat meat or dairy. There are ways of getting the right nutrients. Tbh speak to a nutritionist and see if they can give child friendly vegan options or just stay out of what's not your business

Raven88 · 12/05/2018 23:30

It's easy to increase iron on a vegan diet. I'm veggie but eat mostly vegan. If they have been to a doctor then they are probably following the advice given.

I would put aside your prejudices and if the issue isn't getting better give some constructive advice. I wish I was brought up vegan because not eating meat has made me healthier.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 12/05/2018 23:36

When you start out by saying you have “reservations” and describing them as “misguided” it does seem like you’ve already decided they’ve made the wrong choice in regard to their children’s diets.

If you go in with that mindset, any conversation is likely to be fraught. At the moment you’re only in receipt of partial information. You need to have a much clearer picture.

I don’t think it’s wrong to feel concerned by the things your granddaughter mentioned, but I don’t think you will get far if you go in with the mindset that “they’re wrong and I need to get them to see things my way.”

If you try to have an open conversation based on the assumption that they are not “misguided” but simply taking a different approach to yours and you’re figuring out how that works, you may be able to have a productive conversation.

So you could bring it up from the perspective that your GD mentioned low iron and dark circles and doctors and so on and you weren’t sure what she was saying, and just ask them. They may have a clear explanation that acknowledges a problem and explains the solution they’re working on. If not, you could just ask more questions in an interested way, eg “Oh, is it hard to get enough iron into them? What are the best vegan sources of iron? Do the girls like spinach?” Etc. I would just have a friendly conversation where at no point do you tell them what you think they should be doing. Afterwards, if you still feel concerned you could send them a friendly emailing saying you found the conversation so interesting that you did some further reading and have they seen these “iron fish” items etc.

If you are going to make suggestions, look for ones that support their choice. Not “oh look, I found this link that says growing children need to eat meat to get enough iron.”

Esspee · 13/05/2018 06:54

I would like to thank everyone who took the time and trouble to give me information and advice regarding my concerns. I still haven't decided whether to address the issue with them as that will depend on finding a possibly receptive moment for it to come up naturally in conversation. I respect their wish to avoid animal products and know it comes from a good place but I believe a more rounded diet is needed by growing children. This is not a prejudice. Just as a vegan's belief that their way is healthier is not a prejudice. I would never have considered speaking on the subject if the girls been thriving. I love them to bits. Thanks again, you have been great.

OP posts:
Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 13/05/2018 07:09

Vegan is cult-like- there was a post on here recently about something similar and it sounded very obsessive.

Anyway, I think children and adults do need some red meat due to certain B vitamins being needed. It's good if a doctor has been mentioned, as hopefully a supplement will be recommended

I would worry a lot more if my grandkids were being fed processed shit though.

Ps laughing at the PP who thinks the NHS is up to date nutritionally.

noplease · 13/05/2018 07:45

Hi, I've read the thread with interest as I am vegan and am raising my 2 year old to be vegan also. She is and has always been healthy being 75th percentile and above for height and weight. I was vegan during pregnancy also. Health visitor and drs have no concerns.

With the abundance of food in supermarkets nowadays a vegan diet isn't hard or difficult to do, the only difficulty is eating out occasionally but even now most places have a vegan menu, even a local chippy and softplay centre in my town have vegan menus.

For those who think I force my diet on my child unfairly I ask this, do you give your children informed choice that there are different diets out there and some people choose not to eat animals due to ethics/health reason etc. Or do you feed them meat from a young age as it's what you eat? When my child does get old enough to choose what she eats, if she does choose to eat animal products I will be disappointed but I won't force her to be vegan then, but until she can make an informed choice about it I will feed her what I think is best for her and as she is completely healthy that will be vegan.

OP, there are many vegan children's groups on Facebook which show many people raising their families on a vegan diet healthily. Maybe join some of these groups and ask your concerns there.

fridgepants · 13/05/2018 07:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Mirrorwriting · 13/05/2018 07:53

Go on netflix, type ‘vegan’ in the search box. There are some interesting documentaries. You may find yourself ditching animal products.

Justanothernameonthepage · 13/05/2018 08:33

The problem you have is that going in to discuss your concerns with their diet is going to put them on the defensive and mean they are less likely to discuss problems with you as they'll feel judged. They haven't asked your advice, they've sought medical advice so they aren't ignoring it.
The better way to to ask how they are increasing the iron and is there anything you can do to help. And perhaps go on a vegan diet for a while yourself and ask them for advice on that. That way you'll get an idea of how nutritionally focused/aware they are and how you can vary your diet for when DC are old enough to visit.

lljkk · 13/05/2018 09:54

I don't think it's complicated or offensive to send them a care package including these. Simple grandmotherly stuff.

AIBU to want to discourage my son from making his children vegan
ivenoideawhatimdoing · 13/05/2018 09:59

My sister developed an anaemic iron deficiency as a child; the doctor said some are just disposed to it.

The diet could have nothing to do with it and a well planned vegan diet is just as good/even better than a ‘normal diet’ particularly a one full of ready meals and junk food.

SauvB123 · 13/05/2018 10:13

I think 4 and 7 is too you for this! Aside from the nutritional points, how do the parents plan to impose this practically, for example if the kids go to a birthday party do they have to refuse the cake and ice cream? (It’s really difficult to expect other parents to cater for them)!

Also, trying to find vegan food when out and about (eg at a train station) is difficult, and choices very limited (hummus, chips, nuts, bread, salad, veggie sushi / noodles). 99% of packaged sandwiches are made with butter or margarine with milk proteins.

I would challenge anyone to go vegan for a week. Most dairy substitutes (soya, almond, coconut, oat milk) taste awful in tea / coffee (even the specialist Oatly barista). Dairy free cheese tastes fatty (both the coconut and soya varieties). Sorbet contains lots of sugar, and often egg (so not vegan) and dairy free ice cream is also usually loaded with sugar, even the premium cashew nut based ones! Coconut yogurts are probably the best of the dairy free variety by are extremely expensive.

A lot of wine isn’t suitable for vegans also (not an issue for the children, but any one who is going to try veganism)!

Metoodear · 13/05/2018 10:15

If your feeding your children correctly you shouldn’t need medical attention 😟

Can’t belive anyone thinks this ok if a child was being under feed or over feed that they need the doctor we wouldn’t be fine with this

Op suggest allowing the children to be vegetarian just for now while they are getting to grips with being vegan

Teacuphiccup · 13/05/2018 10:16

‘I would challenge anyone to go vegan for a week’

Erm been vegan here for over two years and it’s really easy.
Only time I’ve struggled is when I was abroad.

Metoodear · 13/05/2018 10:17

Mirrorwriting Dobut it

Being a vegan adds £££££ to shoppping bit and dairy alternatives are awful my daughter is lactose intolerant so we are down the soya coconut milk rabbit hole

Teacuphiccup · 13/05/2018 10:18

If your feeding your children correctly you shouldn’t need medical attention

Anemia is not only caused by diet, OP has zero evidence that the vegan diet is doing anything.

Metoodear · 13/05/2018 10:21

Teacuphiccup I am sorry but your not being truthful

Most people are not vegan
So when you attend someone’s home you don’t know it really is a bit of a hassle or you can’t have anything

We have a vegan sil and it’s actually very difficult when she comes for dinner vegan things like cheese is much more expensive and we don’t eat it so we have to buy vegan stuff for one person then it ends up in the bin it’s hasssle for the people catering

Teacuphiccup · 13/05/2018 10:22

My shopping bill has gone down since going vegan.
Lentils, pulses and in season veg is all way cheaper than meat and fish.
Rice and oat milk are lovely and I eat out all the time and hardly ever struggle.

Metoodear · 13/05/2018 10:23

Even things like vegan got chocolate is very pricey I know because my dd is lactose intolerance

Teacuphiccup · 13/05/2018 10:24

I am being truthful!

Why are you buying vegan cheese for your sister in law just cook a one pot vegan meal that everyone can eat.

Teacuphiccup · 13/05/2018 10:25

Most dark chocolate is vegan, I can get a big bar of chocolate for £1 in Tesco.