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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS1's Dad's Wedding - declined by school

372 replies

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 10:53

DS1 is in Y7 at High School. His Dad is getting married this year during term time and, obviously, wants DS1 to be there. School have refused the leave of absence request and stated that they expect DS1 to be in attendance on the days he was due to be away (it's a destination wedding so not something I can change, alter or even adapt to suit school; the actual wedding is on a week day and DS1 would be missing the whole of the last week of summer term).

So as not to drip feed DS1 has great attendance, is achieving well and all homework is on time and never gets into trouble. He also has ASD and can suffer from Anxiety at times and has been particularly anxious about being able to attend the wedding.

Am I able to appeal school's decision and challenge this? It seems awfully unfair that they've refused an application for a wedding of an immediate family member; being part of his Dad's wedding is a huge thing for DS1 and I can't see another way through this; he has to go to the wedding, he has to be there as it's his family.

Would it be U to challenge school's decision or is it best to leave it as unauthorised absence and just take the hit when they fine DH and I (they've written to us separately to advise that we'll be fined if he isn't in school on those dates)?

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 16:10

Why did his dad pick a time he knew his son would be in school?!

I honestly don't know, Bridesmaid. I don't know if it was deliberately done so that it would be cheaper or if he simply didn't think to check all three sets of school dates. In an ideal world he'd have looked but by the time he'd told me the dates the wedding was booked and paid for, so it's a bit beyond my control.

I would rather just tell the truth. It matters to me that people might think I'm a liar.

Absolutely Lonicera! I have a great relationship with DS1's school. As a child with ASD he already has his struggles and his off-days, for me to bare-faced lie to them about this would undermine the relationship and trust we've built. They listen to me, they put in the time and effort to ensure school runs as smoothly as it possibly can for him and I imagine that they'd be far less likely to go the extra mile for DS1 if I lied to them at any point. Put simply it wouldn't be worth the risk; I'd rather pay the fine and know that they still trust me to be open and frank with them about my child.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 12/05/2018 16:12

Idontbelieve

You have more patience and understanding of what it is to be human and make misteaks, give and take in a relationship, supporting each other than many posters on here.
Your family set up sounds a good one and hope your DS enjoys the wedding he will miss nothing of importance last week of school.

Original poster
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 16:12

I still think it's daft that a parent wouldn't check their own child's term dates especially across counties (when there's variations within local authorities too)

Definitely, and he's a bellend for not checking, he knows that. I was surprised when school refused his application; he has PR so I'd assumed he could submit a request but their rule was a flat-out 'no' - to the point where they returned his cover letter and forms back to him with a curt 'we can't accept this' and not much else.

OP posts:
ScrubTheDecks · 12/05/2018 16:12

Send him to the wedding, roll your eyes at his father choosing those dates and hope for the best re the fine.

As it is not longer than a week, you might be lucky. Does he have to miss the WHOLE week? One day under would reduce your chance of a fine, I reckon.

Frazzled2207 · 12/05/2018 16:15

I would appeal if you can be bothered but otherwise don't worry about it and get his DF to pay the fine.

rookiemere · 12/05/2018 16:17

You are indeed a very understanding person OP and you're right it's much better for your DS than having it any other way - when I said you were sanguine I meant it as a compliment - honest Wink !

I know that your DS will in reality miss no real learning in the last week of term, but for all those poo pooing it, I do think there is some intrinsic value in actually having that gradual relax into the holidays let down where you go to school to do some fun stuff as well as the work. A shame your DS has to miss it because of his DF's poor planning - but there we go.

Original poster
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 16:17

As it is not longer than a week, you might be lucky. Does he have to miss the WHOLE week? One day under would reduce your chance of a fine, I reckon.

He flies out on the Saturday evening and flies back the following Saturday so there's no degree of flexibility at all with morning or afternoon registration. DS1 is 12 so presumably he could legally get a flight solo but the logistics of him navigating an airport plus a 7 hour flight without one of us on hand wouldn't be easy - his ASD means he can panic and get flustered at times, particularly in unknown places and in new situations. I can't take term time off as I work in a school and DH (his stepdad) is due to be in Dubai working so can't fly out to collect him (which is what we'd initially considered).

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 12/05/2018 16:18

FWIW I think it's ridiculous that a school would not authorise this when the child has a good attendance record and is generally doing what is asked of him at school.

Original poster
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 16:20

I know that your DS will in reality miss no real learning in the last week of term, but for all those poo pooing it, I do think there is some intrinsic value in actually having that gradual relax into the holidays let down where you go to school to do some fun stuff as well as the work. A shame your DS has to miss it because of his DF's poor planning - but there we go.

I took it in a nice way - honestly! You're right about the gradual relax, though; for DS1 the sudden shock of going straight from full-time-school into an extended period of holidays is always a challenge and the wind down on the last week of term can help loosen him up.

There are worse things in the world, though, so onwards and upwards!

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 12/05/2018 16:24

I'm a teacher and I'd be saying he was ill.

You’re a teacher and you’d be advising someone to lie to their child’s school rather than be honest and pay the fine? Unbelievable.

ICantCopeAnymore · 12/05/2018 16:25

Yep.

Why should they have to pay a fine for such a huge family occasion? That's unbelievable.

SuburbanRhonda · 12/05/2018 16:31

You misunderstood - what’s unbelievable is a teacher advising an adult to lie instead of telling the truth, not the fact that a school is adhering to its attendance policy.

headinhands · 12/05/2018 16:33

I'm more surprised that school don't deem his Dad's wedding an "exceptional" circumstance

His dad didn't have to book it then.

ICantCopeAnymore · 12/05/2018 16:36

She told the truth, they didn't accept it. The policy is appalling.

Thank goodness it's different in Wales.

IllBeAtTheBarIfYouNeedMe · 12/05/2018 16:37

I had similar when I asked for a few days off for my dbs wedding. 3dc all in different schools although all in the same LA. 2 schools approved but the secondary school refused although the attendance person did say they wouldn’t take any action as my dds attendance was high and the absence would not take her below the required targets.

Perhaps check with your ds’s school to see if this is possible for your ds

Delancy · 12/05/2018 16:38

Absolutely, you should appeal, it's totally ludicrous!

I would ask them what their motive is for saying no.

If they really want your ASD son to miss his dad's wedding or whether they are just saying this for the money?
If they say they have to follow regulations then they are shirking the real life repercussions of their decision to follow regulations, and that is not good enough.

They are privileged to be contributing to your son's education, and they do not get to restrict valuable life experiences for him which are also part of his life's education. They have him for a short time, his parents have him for the rest of their life.

Take it higher, take it to the LEA, take it higher than that if you need to.

Tell the truth for the absence and tell them that you will not be paying the fine as you feel it would encourage a financial incentive for schools to refuse children to partake in the life experiences they are entitled to.
Don't mean to be dramatic, but isn't it against the human rights act actually?

Is the world going crazy? Not if we can help it, it won't!

Original poster
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 16:38

You're absolutely right headinhands. He didn't have to. But he did. And being presented with a fait accompli like that means you just have to deal with it as best you can.

When we (DH and I) got married we also got married on a weekday away from home. But it was on a bank holiday to ensure nobody had to miss school/work, which meant there was none of this trouble! A friend of ours is marrying her DP in December on a weekday and I've had to decline the invite because I just can't take term time holidays for any reason. It's a shame but it's one of the choices you make when you book anything during term time.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 12/05/2018 16:43

"Last week of the school year is a dossing week"

Can I just repeat in response to this and other similar phrases it isn't a whole week of dossing in all secondary schools

Loads in our LA and neighbouring LAs have already started the new academic year and actually do work during 4 out of the 5 last days.

rookiemere · 12/05/2018 16:46

Oh for goodness sake Delancy - melodramatic much.

Schools have a policy towards absence - they may not have much leeway on individual decisions and here tbh I'm on their side. The DS has ASD and thrives on routine - did the DF take this into account when booking his wedding - no because he didn't check the school dates.

The fine is minimal - probably doesn't even cover the administration costs of sorting it out - it's hardly a money making racket. OP has already said that the cost of paying it won't make a dent in their finances.

OuaisMaisBon · 12/05/2018 17:03

rookiemere, it is not the father whose wedding it is who is refusing to pay the fine, it is the OP's current DH, step-father of the child in question.
I'm of the "O" Level generation and I can't be doing with this crap about fines by LEAs - a(n old) teacher friend of mine used to say that any time out of school for holidays abroad was a form of education in itself, despite not being formal and in a school environment, and that missing school to go abroad would only affect children's education in the years where they were taking public exams and it would not behove them to miss out on the curriculum. Taking the tack that the family of a Y7 child who is missing the last week of the academic year (for whatever reason), should be fined, is bloody ridiculous.

SuburbanRhonda · 12/05/2018 17:05

She told the truth, they didn't accept it

No, they didn’t authorise the absence. I find it hard to believe a teacher would have such a poor grasp of how attendance works in schools.

oblada · 12/05/2018 17:12

The whole system is bonkers! It's a shame that you'll be fined as in our LA they only fine after 10 days. I wouldn't bother appealing, the rules are rubbish anyway, their hands are tied. I learned of all of this last year when leave for 2 days absence to go to my grandmother's 90th birthday celebration was refused (but the headteacher approved of our choice to go and take dd off school, just she couldn't grant leave). This has lowered the respect I had for the system and I've planned a holiday during term time next year as it is clearly meaningless.

Blizzardagain · 12/05/2018 17:13

I don't understand why you're surprised. A wedding only takes a day. It's a choice to take him out of school for the whole week. That's not necessary, it's a holiday like any other.

Having said that I'd take him anyway but I really can't understand why you think they're BU.

ICantCopeAnymore · 12/05/2018 17:16

I have a great grasp of how attendance works in schools, thanks. That doesn't mean to say I agree with the ridiculous policies that schools in England have.

2gorgeousboys · 12/05/2018 17:21

The school I am Chair of Governors at would not authorise (we wouldn't be able to in the circumstances) but we wouldn't fine and we'd wish your DS a lovely time at his fathers wedding.

There is control over what can and can't be authorised by the school but that doesn't mean we wouldn't want him to go and have a lovely time.