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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS1's Dad's Wedding - declined by school

372 replies

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 10:53

DS1 is in Y7 at High School. His Dad is getting married this year during term time and, obviously, wants DS1 to be there. School have refused the leave of absence request and stated that they expect DS1 to be in attendance on the days he was due to be away (it's a destination wedding so not something I can change, alter or even adapt to suit school; the actual wedding is on a week day and DS1 would be missing the whole of the last week of summer term).

So as not to drip feed DS1 has great attendance, is achieving well and all homework is on time and never gets into trouble. He also has ASD and can suffer from Anxiety at times and has been particularly anxious about being able to attend the wedding.

Am I able to appeal school's decision and challenge this? It seems awfully unfair that they've refused an application for a wedding of an immediate family member; being part of his Dad's wedding is a huge thing for DS1 and I can't see another way through this; he has to go to the wedding, he has to be there as it's his family.

Would it be U to challenge school's decision or is it best to leave it as unauthorised absence and just take the hit when they fine DH and I (they've written to us separately to advise that we'll be fined if he isn't in school on those dates)?

OP posts:
myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 15:28

it seems odd that you'd do something as major as booking a mid-week wedding without checking that your own DS was available to attend

he IS available to attend Hmm

rookiemere · 12/05/2018 15:31

he IS available to attend Hmm - well yes by pulling him out of school for a week do you mean ? Not really my definition of available as DS committed to be elsewhere at the time.

Ok perhaps it is an easy mistake to make which I'm really not buying into, but no matter it was his mistake, rather than getting on his high horse about it, he just pays the fine and off they go.

LoniceraJaponica · 12/05/2018 15:32

All those who suggest that the parents say the child is sick in the last week of summer term must think that attendance officers are stupid Hmm

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 15:32

He's not on a high horse and there is no issue about the fines. Did you actually read the thread?

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 15:33

All those who suggest that the parents say the child is sick in the last week of summer term must think that attendance officers are stupid

or just don't give a shit what the attendance officers think?

confusedlittleone · 12/05/2018 15:34

If his dad actually wanted him there he would of arranged a wedding he could of attended

rookiemere · 12/05/2018 15:35

Yes myfriendbob I did indeed read the thread - I guess we must have got different things from it.

OP said that the DF is refusing to pay the school fine, but she will pay it on his behalf which is very generous of her.

Calatonia · 12/05/2018 15:36

A family funeral is an "exceptional circumstance": you can't choose to have it during the school holidays. A wedding is purely a question of priorities - although I agree that missing the last week of the school year is not going to jeopardise your son's education the school has a set of rules to follow and they expect parents to follow them too.

MaisyPops · 12/05/2018 15:37

or just don't give a shit what the attendance officers think?
In which case just say it's a holiday.

And teachers all know who the pisstaking parents are and yet are powerless to do anything about it...
Completely.
And actually so do the students!
A few years back I was doing the register a couple of days before the end of term and as I called Timmy's name, someone piped up 'of course he's off. We break up tomorrow!'. Slowly followed by lots of laughter from the class.
They were right. Timmy had an attendance pattern and that was on top of shitty attendance. Best one was being kept off with a vomiting bug for 1 day in the middle of a week. Conveniently it was the day of some game/console release. Turns out he had a shopping day with his Mum and was messaging students bragging.

LoniceraJaponica · 12/05/2018 15:37

"or just don't give a shit what the attendance officers think?"

I would rather just tell the truth. It matters to me that people might think I'm a liar.

Bridesmaidinchief · 12/05/2018 15:37

Why did his dad pick a time he knew his son would be in school?!

No harm in appealing - you might as well try.

foxyloxy78 · 12/05/2018 15:38

Leave it under the radar bow. Let him go to the wedding and pay the fine.

Quickerthanavicar · 12/05/2018 15:39

The school don't fine you the local authority do. Many schools have no discretion. Say he's sick, pay the fine, have a lovely time.

Aragog · 12/05/2018 15:39

Seriously what do people seriously think he will miss that is so vitally important in the final week of year 7?

The work, regardless of what some Leas nay say most definitely is limited. No teacher is going to teach something new in the final week of the year. Think about it! It wouldn't make any sense! And it is highly dubious in year 7 to be teaching something so important that would never be covered again, let alone on the final week.

Also re the fines and rules. All LEAs are different. There is no 'this will definitely happen.'

For example, my LEA only fines from day 5 and it is £60 per child per parent (with PR) per absence - not per week and definitely not per say, and not step-parents. And it doesn't seem to always fine either.

Also, I think there is likely to be a review of the whole fine issue. Recent evidence has suggested that the fines don't work and that actually term time absence has been known to rise in some area since the introduction of the fines.

MaisyPops · 12/05/2018 15:40

I would rather just tell the truth. It matters to me that people might think I'm a liar.
Agree.
My friend had a student have holiday refused. Then the student ended up off for the same amount of time as the refused holiday. The reason given was a death of a relative.
Add that to all the lies my friend found that family telling about other attendance, it always worried me that tje child/family could find themselves in a boy who cried wolf situation.

MrsDilber · 12/05/2018 15:41

Last week of the school year is a dossing week. He should be allowed to go. Can you or ex DH talk to the school directly?

mrsjackrussell · 12/05/2018 15:44

Last week of term in our school is activity week anyway just fun stuff and no lessons to be missed. I would have said he was ill as my school would have said the same. Iv taken them without permission before and no fines. Just do it I think they're being totally unreasonable

mrsjackrussell · 12/05/2018 15:46

They always threaten to fine but don't.

BG2015 · 12/05/2018 15:51

Just take him out of school and let it go unauthorised. My LEA only issues fines if attendance is below 80% (not a well known fact)

If he's had good attendance and performs well in school I just don't see the issue and the last week of term is a waste of time anyway.

dayinlifeof · 12/05/2018 15:54

They always threaten to fine but don't.

That's not true, plenty of parents are fined.

OP, if you want him to go then let him go. If there is a fine it'll be payable by both parents so I'd be asking his Dad to pay both fines.

BethaTheBlubberer · 12/05/2018 15:59

DC1s school is hot on referring for fines. One parent even got a criminal record for refusing to pay. This is reported to parents anonymously as a deterrent.

Saying that we took DC1 out for 2 days as a holiday (told rather than asked) and because of otherwise excellent attendance, no fine.

Asked a year later for a funeral (other side of country) so requested 2 days and never heard anything back, not even an acknowledgement! Later saw only 1 day authorised on attendance stats.

Meanwhile for same funeral, different school, DC2s 2 day absence was immediately authorised with a condolence letter.

Different schools, different rules. HTs do have some discretion.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 12/05/2018 16:03

I think sometimes they don't give authorised absence for parents' weddings as the parent has a choice about which dates to hold the wedding. The wedding of an aunt is not under the control of the parents.

Original poster
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 16:03

He has left it to the child's mother to sort the holiday application out.
As non-resident parent he's not entitled to make an application for a term time holiday in our LA. Perhaps in others it would work differently but having checked (extensively) it's absolutely not accepted when NRP's put in term time applications.

He has decided he will not be paying any fine if one is issued.
No, he really hasn't. My DH has decided that and, if I'm honest, if I asked him to pay it he would because underneath his bluster he's an incredible step dad and would accept that DS1's needs trump everything. Likewise if I asked DS1's Dad to pay the fine I'm sure he would. I'm also sure that because of the difference in our household incomes that DH and I can afford to pay it more easily than Ex can afford to.

He's an arse.
Perhaps. But he's also my child's father and, as such, I have two choices; I can leave him in a mess and refuse to allow DS1 to attend, refuse to put in applications and refuse to help in any way (which, lets face it, would have a detrimental effect on our DS and would make me a complete arse, too) or I can accept that he's made a choice, he's marrying on that day and get on with sorting it out.

Life as a parent who shares their child with an Ex isn't easy. It's not all sunshine. But if you have a choice about making life better or worse for your Ex, you make it better if you possibly can. Life is too short for me to be a dick to someone I once loved enough to have a child with.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 12/05/2018 16:08

Idontbelieveinthemoon
I realised earlier I'd misread the fines post. I read it as tje dad but you said DH.

It surprises me that only resident parent can apply. We accept either parent with parental responsibility (which is why i thought it was a bit wife worky).

I agree about being amicable. I still think it's daft that a parent wouldn't check their own child's term dates especially across counties (when there's variations within local authorities too)

SomeKnobend · 12/05/2018 16:08

Shitty parenting from the dad. Who the fuck organises their wedding without double and triple checking their own kid can fucking attend that day? I'd be fucking furious. Not much you can do about it now (which is why it was so shitty of the dad). I'd certainly be telling him how much the fines are and expecting him to pay though, what an arse.