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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS1's Dad's Wedding - declined by school

372 replies

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 10:53

DS1 is in Y7 at High School. His Dad is getting married this year during term time and, obviously, wants DS1 to be there. School have refused the leave of absence request and stated that they expect DS1 to be in attendance on the days he was due to be away (it's a destination wedding so not something I can change, alter or even adapt to suit school; the actual wedding is on a week day and DS1 would be missing the whole of the last week of summer term).

So as not to drip feed DS1 has great attendance, is achieving well and all homework is on time and never gets into trouble. He also has ASD and can suffer from Anxiety at times and has been particularly anxious about being able to attend the wedding.

Am I able to appeal school's decision and challenge this? It seems awfully unfair that they've refused an application for a wedding of an immediate family member; being part of his Dad's wedding is a huge thing for DS1 and I can't see another way through this; he has to go to the wedding, he has to be there as it's his family.

Would it be U to challenge school's decision or is it best to leave it as unauthorised absence and just take the hit when they fine DH and I (they've written to us separately to advise that we'll be fined if he isn't in school on those dates)?

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 12/05/2018 15:00

Agree with MaisyPops. A parent who plans a 'destination' wedding (FFS) in termtime is making a statement about his priorities. I can well imagine a school not being keen to dance to his convenience.

diddl · 12/05/2018 15:00

" Dad didn;t realise he would still be in school "

He only had to ask!

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 15:01

OP: The fines aren't really my issue; his Dad would pay them just as easily as DH and I would. There's no meanness or arguing over fines etc

MaisyPops · 12/05/2018 15:02

myfriendbob
Cross post. Missed that he may not have realised.

Still, hardly rocket science for a parent to bother looking up their own child's term dates. (Or is that, like arranging the holiday forms and paying the fine for the child's mum to sort?)

A simple mistake would be shit sorry, I forgot to check term dates. I'll put the holiday request in. If we get a fine then I'll pay it seeing as it's my trip.

MaisyPops · 12/05/2018 15:02

I thought she said he wasn't willing to pay them? Maybe tjay was another poster

Dozer · 12/05/2018 15:03

No problem here, the family can afford the fine.

The Dad could easily have checked the school holiday dates.

MaisyPops · 12/05/2018 15:04

Just double checked. OP had said her DH has refused to pay a penny to fines.
My mistake.

I still think it's not rocket science for a dad to check his own child's term dates.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 15:05

She also says Dad has 2 kids in school in another county that are off ,so perhaps assumed they all were. Shocker, people make mistakes.

MightyMacaqueMonkey · 12/05/2018 15:06

Still, hardly rocket science for a parent to bother looking up their own child's term dates

The poster suggests he did look at his other kids dates - in a different country. I think the Dad lives abroad, has looked at the term dates there and booked the wedding date.

Pretty easy mistake to make in fairness.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 12/05/2018 15:08

I don't understand this system. You get fined if a child doesn't attend school? They won't let a child go to a family wedding? What happens if you don't pay the fine or send the child to said event anyway? Who issues the fines? Surely not the schools? What about children with school refusal, severe anxiety, long term health issues as such? I've confused!

Op send your son anyway. It's his father's wedding!

MaisyPops · 12/05/2018 15:08

Logic says 2 counties, check term dates.

If i think about all the details everyone I know has considered planning weddings and holidays, whether kids are at school is a fairly obvious one.

I felt the same with a colleague and their DP (both teachers) booking a holiday for the night we broke up. The thing was DP's school ended 2 days later due to allocation of PD days. If anyone is in a school, check before booking.

Ohmydayslove · 12/05/2018 15:10

Of course he should go just send him and pay the fine or appeal.

Personally I would have just had him off sick

pointythings · 12/05/2018 15:10

Schools have no more discretion in this. It's ridiculous. My DDs and I will be travelling to my cousin's wedding in Italy and they will miss one day of school. They will be terribly ill on that day and the school will just have to live with that. This policy does encourage parents to lie - my feelings about this are best summed up as 'tough shit'.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 12/05/2018 15:11

His dad couldn't be bothered to check if his own school would be at school so not really exceptional circumstances. School holidays can be found online within minutes.

Not really a one off either given the amount of people who marry numerous times.

The school are right to decline, he pays any fines issued.

MaisyPops · 12/05/2018 15:13

I agree on the discretion pointy.

When I look at the poor attenders who are off all the time for snuffles and being tired, the current rules don't have any impact, meanwhile I've seen hardworking y9s have a week off denied (to have almost a month in their parent's country of birth) and despite it being denied, they requested all catch up work and were high fliers.

The system needs to be much harsher in places and have a bit more common sense in others.

ittakes2 · 12/05/2018 15:15

It's standard for schools to refuse all leave and they give out a standard letter saying leave is refused. He's unlikely to miss anything last week of the summer term - appeal if you want to but take him regardless.

NorthernKnickers · 12/05/2018 15:16

Where are you in the country OP? I'm very surprised that the school are fining. Many counties now have stopped. We don't fine anymore (I'm a teacher in Norfolk, my school haven't fined anyone in over a year...I've currently got two children away in holiday!) Just let him go...I would even break a sweat over it!

NorthernKnickers · 12/05/2018 15:17

Oh...just to clarify...it would still go down as unauthorised.

Dozer · 12/05/2018 15:20

It was not an “easy mistake to make”.

MaisyPops · 12/05/2018 15:21

ittakes
Some schools I've worked in have been more reasonable. E.g. authorising half a day on the last day to get flights, trip for family reasons as long as overall attendance was high (e.g. 97+%), absence so young carers can have respite trips.

Generally most holidays go down as unauthorised and we only investigate further if the child has an attendance rate of 90 or lower (90% sounds good but it's one day off a fortnight).

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 15:23

It was not an “easy mistake to make”

Clearly it was.

I have children in 3 different schools and have mixed up who is off when. It's very simple to do.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 12/05/2018 15:25

The last week of the summer term in year 7 means no work! maybe a few years ago, our trust has made it clear that normal work continues up to last day.
Haven't rttft, but I'd let him go, appeal, if unsuccessful, dad pays fine (as it was his arrangement.

rookiemere · 12/05/2018 15:25

Boxsets - apparently the extenuating circumstances are that the DF has more than one DC at different schools and perhaps different countries so assumed they'd be universally the same Hmm.

Which is absolute bolleaux of course. Particularly with a DS with ASD where I believe routine is particularly important - it seems odd that you'd do something as major as booking a mid-week wedding without checking that your own DS was available to attend.

I must say the OP is marvellously sanguine about this, even to the point of being prepared to pay his part of the fine - which of course he's blustering and huffing and puffing about now. Amazing he has the money for a destination wedding but not the fine he incurred by not taking the time to check some dates.

But fine whatever, yes the DS should be there.

ktp100 · 12/05/2018 15:26

I used to teach year 7 and I wouldn't think twice about paying the fine and taking my son out for the last week of summer term. That week is (ironically) likely to have one day out of school on a trip for the kids who have good attendence anyway! All testing and curriculum will have been done by then. Sounds lile the school has a blanket refusal policy so I'd just tell them to suck it (not literally, obvs) and pay the fine.

pointythings · 12/05/2018 15:26

You're 100% right, Maisy. My DDs have fabulous attendance (marred this year by a bout of proper flu, unfortunately, but otherwise 100% for years) and are incredibly hard workers - but because over the years a small subgroup of parents have consistently taken the piss, children like them now get no leeway at all. And teachers all know who the pisstaking parents are and yet are powerless to do anything about it...