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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a random act of kindness would have been nice in this situation...

281 replies

formerbabe · 11/05/2018 17:59

Been wanting to post this for ages!

It actually happened years ago but I'd love to hear other people's thoughts...

So I was at home making spaghetti Bolognese when I realised I had no tinned tomatoes.

My 2 dc were quite small...toddler and pre school age. I got them in car and we popped to the supermarket. I picked up a single can of value chopped tomatoes and took it to the till. I can't remember the exact price but it was in the region of 30-35p. I didn't have any other items. When it came to paying I realised I'd left my purse at home. I explained to the cashier and had to go home, get purse and go back. Quite a palava when you have 2 young DC with you but oh well, totally my fault.

Anyway, behind me at the till was a man who watched this all unfold. He didn't say anything. Now of course, he had no obligation to help and I had no entitlement to be helped. But if I was shopping and saw a woman in front of me with two young DC buying a single can of value chopped tomatoes and had left her purse at home then I'd offer to get them for her? Fwiw, the guy was buying fairly expensive, naice items like organic veg, posh chocs etc

Would you offer to pay for someone in that situation? I totally would.

OP posts:
Mistigri · 12/05/2018 06:08

I once paid the extra xx pence for an old ladies shopping, her thank you was "thank you, I didn't want to break in to a £20"

Maybe the £20 was worth more to her than to you.

Helping people out shouldn't be about the degree of need or whether their moral character makes them deserving or not. It's about behaving like a decent human being towards someone who is or appears to be in difficulty.

I made a coach journey recently. A young man dressed and behaving a bit oddly got, couldn't communicate with the driver, didn't have a ticket. I paid his ticket partly for selfish reasons (so the coach could leave on time) and partly because it was the decent thing to do - not least for the driver who obviously had no idea what to do and whose job was at risk if he let a non-paying passenger on board.

Turned out the young passenger was profoundly deaf with no speech (we communicated by typing on DD's phone) and he had arrived at the stop on a Sunday afternoon, on his way to a performance at a puppet festival, to find that the ticket machine wouldn't take his card. Obviously the fact that he was a vulnerable person and not a weirdo or a chancer made me feel better about paying his ticket (which was a lot more than 30p) but that's not the point.

MrsLaurac · 12/05/2018 06:22

Yes and have i paid for a lady in McDonald's too either she didn't have money she thought or she had forgotten it but the child was hungry she refused and then wouldn't even get a snack for herself but i insisted because its bloody hard being a mum. Was only 17 with a sat job but will always remember her genuine thanks.

In your situation without a doubt. Only time i wouldn't is if you had a big luxurious trolley of other stuff then and was 30p off

OuaisMaisBon · 12/05/2018 07:02

Of course I would do it - I've just realised, I've done that sort of thing a few times, and I've noticed what's going on because I'm the next person in the queue and have got fed up waiting for people to turn their pockets out to find the right small change or work out how much they've got and what they'll have to return. Pure selfishness on my part as I hate queueing! But I also like the principle of random acts of kindness.

RhurbabAndCustard · 12/05/2018 07:13

I paid for someone elses petrol last week. She was desperate. Was in front of me in the payment queue. Had filled up then realised card didn't work. I thought I can help this lady. So I did :-).

LynetteScavo · 12/05/2018 07:41

Well it would have been nice if the man had paid....I've paid a couple of times for people, but they were in more difficult circumstances than just having two small children and wanting what was apparently a non essential item.

I do think you're holding on to this a bit though, if it happened years ago....there are numerous times people could have been kinder to me when I had 3 small children. I was pretty organised, and had them mostly under tight control, but when the receptionist at the health club made me go through the turnstile each week while carrying a baby in a car seat, a napping toddler and training DS1 and his swimming kit, I do think she could have just been kinder and opened the gate.

Luisa27 · 12/05/2018 07:51

Of course he should have bought your tin of tomatoes OP - I’ve done this quite a few times for people who were a bit short/ forgotten their purse/ struggling with a new baby/old and confused or whatever- it’s a kind thing to do? Equally I’ve had many occasions where people have bought my parking tickets when my coins don’t work, or paid for my coffee when I left my purse in the car and had a babe in arms etc - I agree with you wholeheartedly!

JessieMcJessie · 12/05/2018 07:54

UserV

Words actually fail me

LOL, at the end of a multi-paragraph ranting post, followed by several more- words not failing you at all! Chill out.

OP, I absolutely would have paid for your tomatoes. I suspect the bloke just wasn’t paying attention, I think it’s sad that people go around in little bubbles but they do. I have noticed that people do it less in Scotland, where I am from, compared to London, where I now live. It’s similar to people who don’t actually smile and engage with cashiers.

Gamingvice · 12/05/2018 07:58

Once a boy of around 14 was paying for shopping with vouchers - I’m not sure where they were from but he was about £7 short. He had lots of value items. It was the end of the month and I was watching every penny myself but I pay for it, he said it wasn’t his shopping that he wasn’t doing it for someone else and was so embarrassed. I felt heartbroken for him. Most ppl have had paid.

However don’t think that he didn’t do it out of any feeling. It’s hard to know what to do, you don’t want to embarrass anyone or get into a strange situation. Maybe he didn’t see or hear what was happening. Maybe he was in his own world

Witchend · 12/05/2018 08:01

I once had a similar situation. I offered to pay and the staff wouldn't let me.
After she'd gone they told me that the lady came in regularly and did that, usually at busy times and usually someone had offered to pay.
I then came out, went into the newsagents where I was just in time to see her buying sweets and ice creams for all of them to considerably more money than the amount she had just said she didn't have. She paid with a £20 note.

Made me a bit wary of offering to help.

Yogagirl123 · 12/05/2018 08:04

Without any doubt I would have paid and so would my DH.

Mistigri · 12/05/2018 08:17

Pure selfishness on my part as I hate queueing!

Partly selfish but this sort of behaviour is what keeps the wheels of society turning - people doing small acts of kindness because it makes life better and easier for everyone. It doesn't work if your primary consideration is whether the recipient of kindness is "deserving" or not.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 12/05/2018 08:20

He was probably paying no attention to you whatsoever. I get that for you it was clearly a big deal, and appears to have become an even bigger one over the years, but much as we like to think we are the centre of everyone else’s universe as well as our own, we really aren’t. I imagine that he didn’t even notice you, your tomatoes, or your forgotten purse.

bella2bella · 12/05/2018 08:20

I have done it a few times with change for parking (and someone has paid for me before when machine wasn't taking card, I also had two small children - I was very grateful I didn't have to go back into town, take cash out and then buy something to get change!).

Nikephorus · 12/05/2018 08:22

Of course he should have done you a favour and paid op. Some folk are just tight
Wow, the entitlement! OP forgets her purse so anyone nearby MUST help out. The whole point of random acts of kindness is that they're not expected. Yes it would have been nice of him but no-one knows if he even heard & appreciated OP's situation, if he could spare the money, if he was having a crisis of his own & struggling to cope long enough to get back outside.... You have no idea. Maybe he was just tight, but that's his prerogative too. No doubt OP has learnt that she needs to check she's got her purse before she leaves home & hence hasn't found herself with no cash in a situation where a stranger is unable to help however generous they are.

Wishfulmakeupping · 12/05/2018 08:26

I would have but I wouldn’t expect lots to. I always let people in front of me if they’ve just got a little basket to pay and I’ve got a trolley full.
Yesterday a lovely lady let me go in front of her in the queue because ds was having a massive paddy - random lady in Asda I thank you!

bimbobaggins · 12/05/2018 08:27

I would have definitely paid if I had noticed. However you sound quite judgemental that he didn’t and also what he had in his basket, not exactly in the spiritual of being kind

Aridane · 12/05/2018 08:29

Ha - so it’s near mandatory to pay for someone else’s shopping (who forget her purse) but absolutely not the thing to do to give up a seat on a train to a disabled woman (who hadn’t booked a seat)

BeyondThePage · 12/05/2018 08:35

I might have paid - if I noticed.

I work in a pharmacy/shop and we have a "float" beside the till, has some pennies/silver change in - just a couple of quid - solves the 15p short type problems. People who use it will invariably pop some money in there the next time they come in - often more than they took.

Mind you, it helps that we have a very loyal customer base and the boss will often pop her head round and say "bring it in on Friday when you pick up the other stuff"

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 12/05/2018 08:38

lostinjapan or realise their wages haven't been paid at the point where they try to use their debit card. This used to happen to me quite often, now my bank has decided that I can use Sainsbury's machines, so I just draw out the cash now. It's not always because someone's "careless" and has forgotten their purse.

RoadToRivendell · 12/05/2018 08:38

If I had noticed, I would have wanted to pay.

But, I'd have been nervous. I once offered to hold a woman's fractious baby while she was getting acrylic nails (WTAF?) and I got the death stare.

lovemylover · 12/05/2018 08:56

I did this a few years ago, an elderly lady had forgotten her purse and had just popped in the shop for a magazine, i told the assistant i would pay, which i did,
After the lady had left the shop,the assistant told me off, she said she has more money than you, you shouldnt have paid for it
The mag was only about 50p at the time

2andcountingtodate · 12/05/2018 09:32

I would have paid if I had noticed. At that point I'm usually trying to calculate my total bill but if it had been obvious or you had asked I would pay.

Small amounts I would give. I swipe my contactless to get someone a ticket once but my dh is too generous and has been ripped off twice by scammers for 20 quid at a time. He can't see the scams and so gets scammed.

harshbuttrue1980 · 12/05/2018 09:36

No, I wouldn't. I buy extra items every fortnight and put them in the foodbank box at the supermarket. I would rather donate a tin of tomatoes to the foodbank for someone desperate than to someone who has money but is just too dippy to bring their purse.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 12/05/2018 09:36

I would do this and I have done this once or twice before not sure exact amount 50p - £1 I think?

It's nice when people do but not everyone is ultra kind. I wouldn't say I'm ultra kind specifically either, I'm just disabled and have 2 young DC so can really relate to the struggle.

Pikehau · 12/05/2018 09:40

I Would have and have done in the past.

Think it’s more about luck!

I would probably pay for certain things and not others.

I paid the balance of an elderly ladies shopping once too I didn’t care what was in her trolley

But wouldn’t buy a fizzy sugary drink/sweets/crisps etc

I would have bought the tomatoes!