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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a random act of kindness would have been nice in this situation...

281 replies

formerbabe · 11/05/2018 17:59

Been wanting to post this for ages!

It actually happened years ago but I'd love to hear other people's thoughts...

So I was at home making spaghetti Bolognese when I realised I had no tinned tomatoes.

My 2 dc were quite small...toddler and pre school age. I got them in car and we popped to the supermarket. I picked up a single can of value chopped tomatoes and took it to the till. I can't remember the exact price but it was in the region of 30-35p. I didn't have any other items. When it came to paying I realised I'd left my purse at home. I explained to the cashier and had to go home, get purse and go back. Quite a palava when you have 2 young DC with you but oh well, totally my fault.

Anyway, behind me at the till was a man who watched this all unfold. He didn't say anything. Now of course, he had no obligation to help and I had no entitlement to be helped. But if I was shopping and saw a woman in front of me with two young DC buying a single can of value chopped tomatoes and had left her purse at home then I'd offer to get them for her? Fwiw, the guy was buying fairly expensive, naice items like organic veg, posh chocs etc

Would you offer to pay for someone in that situation? I totally would.

OP posts:
SmashedMug · 11/05/2018 18:44

I don't understand threads like this. Why do people assume other people even notice them and what they are doing? People have their own lives and aren't always invested in seeing what everyone else around them is doing. It's like the threads moaning about not being offered a seat on the bus when they are visibly pregnant or visibly disabled. Rather than assuming the worst about people, just ask them!

If you'd been in front of me, I wouldn't have cared about the random person in front of me enough to notice you hadn't had enough money to pay so wouldn't have offered. If you'd turned round and told me you were short 30p and could I spare it, I'd have given it to you. I bet if you'd have asked that man, he'd have given it to you.

DextroDependant · 11/05/2018 18:46

I would offer to pay if I noticed.

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 11/05/2018 18:47

I prob would of offered but wouldn't expect someone to offer and I certainly wouldn't be starting a thread about it years later.

kitkatsky · 11/05/2018 18:47

I would offer now, but there have been times in my life when I just didn't have even 35p. In my super poor days I once made a curry (had a heavy cold and thought it might exorcise it!) opened my cupboard and realised I had no rice! My upstairs neighbour was also a single mum with teen daughters so asked her if one of her girls could sit in my flat while I ran to the supermarket opposite. She just gave me a bag of microwaveable rice. I think often of her and how much I appreciated that gesture and I've tried to pay it forward since then

EeeSheWasThin · 11/05/2018 18:47

There are many reasons why he might not have paid, and yes you need to let it go...but I expect I would have paid. A tourist behind me in costa a few weeks ago had her foreign bank card declined and had no cash, I was waiting for my coffee so I paid. Not sure if she was grateful or mortified to be honest...

FreeMantle · 11/05/2018 18:47

Of course I would.
I love when people act out of the box. Way easier to stand in the queue and think not my problem.
.

KatieKittens · 11/05/2018 18:48

How was he to fully understand your situation? ( I do sympathise, it sounds like you were having a bad day)

But you had no idea what his situation was either. One possibility could have been that he was hard of hearing.

He may not have heard that you had to go “home” to get your purse, he may have presumed you were going back out to your car to get it ( not such a big deal) He would also have had no idea that you were out to buy a forgotten item for that nights dinner.

WeirdCatLady · 11/05/2018 18:48

So you don’t expect people to pay for your shopping but YEARS later, you decide to start a discussion on how some random guy SHOULD have offered? Hmm

Cannockcanring · 11/05/2018 18:50

An elderly person short of a little yes but a younger adult claiming to have forgotten their purse no
Wow, that's really cynical! Sad that you're so suspicious of people - and pretty rude to imply that the OP was 'claiming' to have forgotten her purse Hmm.

Dwellerfromunderthesink · 11/05/2018 18:51

Yes I would have done that if I possibly could.

mando12345 · 11/05/2018 18:52

I would have offered if I'd noticed nowadays.
But years ago we were hard up so I definitely would not have, even 35p had to be budgeted for. Who knows perhaps this man was getting groceries for someone else, I used to shop occasionallty for my nan when I was hard up, you would have looked in my basket then and thought I had no money issues.

Busybusybust · 11/05/2018 18:54

I had an experience where I dropped into supermarket after work, absolutely knackered, for a couple of things for supper. In front of me at the till were two people: an elderly lady with quite a lot of items, and behind her, in front of me, a lady of my age with just a few items.

Mmmmm. First Lady had all her cash in bank plastic bags. First we had the £s and 50ps, then the 20ps, and so on. It took fucking for ever. Lady in front of me has steam coming out of her ears, as do I! Eventually, she is 89p short. We fell over ourselves to give her it!

Lisapops · 11/05/2018 18:57

I would totally pay, have done so several times and hopefully if I am ever short I would like to think someone would for me too

chocatoo · 11/05/2018 18:59

Truthfully it would depend on my mood.

Mookie81 · 11/05/2018 18:59

Consise you were living off beans and potatoes but could spend £70 in Waitrose? Hmm

Ginkypig · 11/05/2018 19:00

See I'm in two minds as I did this once for someone then about ten minutes later I saw them at the cigarette counter buying cigarettes and a lottery ticket.

I didn't say anything (as I was young and gutless) but it coloured my view a bit.

Iv done it since for small amounts and it's been fine.

ScreamingValenta · 11/05/2018 19:03

I would probably be too shy to make an offer like that to a stranger. If it happened to me I'd be hugely embarrassed and would thank them, but not accept the offer.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 11/05/2018 19:03

I've quite often had people pay for my shopping, and pay for our drinks in Caffe Nero, when I've thought I had money in the bank and my card's been declined. I've so grateful. I hope to be in a position to pay it forward one day.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/05/2018 19:03

I think it’s reasonable to think u watch the person infront of you in a queue and yes I’d probably offer to pay for it

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 11/05/2018 19:06

multivac did that happen around 8-10 years ago in Scotland? If so it might have been my Dad. He did that for a lady with twins. He didn't even mention it ever - the cashier knew my Mum and told her, who told me. He's a true gent, my Dad Smile

sosadforhim · 11/05/2018 19:07

Maybe he just didn't have the money or felt awkward offering. Of course he might just have not wanted to offer.

Similar thing happened to me recently. I was laden with shopping bags and just had the right cash for a fish supper for myself and ds (rare occasion). When it was ready and I paid, it turned out I gave them an old pound coin. They didn't accept card. I told them we'd walk down to the cash machine (10 mins walk) and come back for it. My ds grumbled that he was hungry but I told him we wouldn't be long. My fault completely and my problem, but if I'd been one of the others in the line (there were 6 people) I'd have offered the pound in that situation. You don't give to receive though, and people are entitled to hold on to their money.

Aridane · 11/05/2018 19:08

No, I probably wouldn’t have paid

MrsDilber · 11/05/2018 19:09

My DH, who is really thoughtful and generous when he knows it's time to be, ie; birthday, Mother's Day, Xmas, would not have been paying attention and have been oblivious to what was unfolding with you. He's quite a cerebral chap, has a job that involves problem solving, and that's what he'd have been doing waiting for you to finish. He'd have been at work in his head!

I just asked DH and he said he'd have offered to buy them for you, if it had registered 😂

Also, some people are doing embarrassed to step forward in case you think their being nosey.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 11/05/2018 19:09

YANBU OP.

Only on MN would ppl tie themselves in knots to explain why he didn't offer to help. It's would have been much quicker for him to pay it than to stand and watch you flap about.

I paid a £3.50 bus fare recently for a caught-in-the-rain foreign student who'd left her backpack containing her money at the airport and needed to go back for it. She was obviously genuine and distressed. The bus driver was stunned and amazed at my alleged generosity. WTF else was she supposed to do? Walk 10 miles in the rain or hitchhike I suppose!

RosaRosaRose · 11/05/2018 19:11

hollow star you are. That was a good thing to do.
formerbabe he was probably just zoned out. I know I am when in the queue.
Absolutely do not understand posters who say you should have asked him to pay. Confused