MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

Chocolatedeficitdisorder

I think life is too short to fall out over this. If your family, especially your children, benefit in any way from having a relationship with your MIL, I would just paste on a smile and forgive her this foible. It's a 20min ceremony - just sit in your car, play Scrabble on your phone then meet them coming out and get on with your life

Op can paste a smile on whilst making the decorations, buying the dresses, forking out for the flights and hotels and car hire? All the while taking fifteen calls from MIL about the sodding wedding every day.Are you for real?

Would you like her to lie down and become part of the red carpet down the aisle as well???

Do as you are told op, life is too short for you to be anything other than a fucking doormat for your entire existence.

It is literally like saying you are completely and utterly worthless? Your MIL will be cackling all the way down the aisle having totally screwed you again...

Truly terrible advice chocolate.

Foible?! Fucking FOIBLE?? It's not a foible it's a fucking insult! Jeez, some people.

Truly terrible advice chocolate.

We'll have to disagree then. The OP's MIL doesn't live nearby and the current relationships are positive but they may be fractured by a fall out over this. For the good of her OH and her children, I reckon this one is best left unchallenged and I don't believe for one moment that this makes anyone a doormat. I reckon it's the pragmatic and mature course to take.

ThumbWitchesAbroad
I was struggling with foible too and wondered if this might be MIL on the forum !!!

Very grannyish term, and a mere foible between 'friends' does not really been begin to describe the HUGE kick in the bollocks this really is

"paste on a smile"

Jesus Christ, did we just time machine back to the 50s?

So to clarify, no, I haven't yet paid for flights and accommodation, or bought dresses. I've just made preliminary decisions about those. And I haven't yet made decorations, invites etc - I've just offered to and the offer has been welcomed. Ceremony people will be:
Officiator
B&g
DH& dds
Dsil & dns
Dbil
Best man
= 12. So unless DHs uncle is best man (possible) he is being left off too, and his wife (unsurprisingly) certainly is! So it's not just me and dsil's dp.

Chocolatedeficitdisorder there is always one, and you are it. I don't know where to even start if you think this is a 'mature' and 'pragmatic' approach. Seriously? If this thread even for real?

Not happy with foible? Ok, have a synonym instead..

weakness, weak point, weak spot, failing, shortcoming, flaw, imperfection, blemish, fault, defect, frailty, infirmity, inadequacy,

Any of those better? OP's MIL has very few seats and wants her closest blood relatives to fill them. She has a generally friendly and respectful relationship with the OP and has to make a difficult
choice for a 20min ceremony. Aren't people allowed a character flaw?

I keep coming back to this thread! Do you think this may be the reason why your DH doesn’t deal with her very much? That’s she’s actually a bit of a nightmare. Sometimes I think it’s worth observing how the people close to “character”
interact with them and possibly taking a tip or two from that.

Goosegettingfat

Thats alright then, you are not the only one. So go back to paying for and doing everything because it is not just you.

OP please don't listen to 'Chocolate's terrible advice. Only another CF would expect you to be a doormat. Teach your own DDs self-respect.

Very grannyish term

Ouch! I'm not a Granny and hopefully won't be for a few years yet! Maybe I just like words? I've provided a few easier (and more modern?) words in my previous post.

I'm off now to wash my antimacassars and bleach my lace doilies.

Don't you think, chocolate, that she should have counted up how many people she should invite, then find somewhere suitable?

OP, I would definitely down tools on the whole wedding. I wouldn't help at all and I wouldn't answer calls. I'd reply to texts with "Better if you speak to DH about that." Don't go making decorations, shopping or anything like that.

Chocolate I do value your point and generally dislike battles. I think (as someone said ages ago) it would be rather different if MIL rang me saying "goose we have found a venue we love and can afford but capacity is severely limited and therefore some people who are very dear to me, including you, can't be fitted in. I do hope you aren't hurt..." etc etc

My jaw dropped when I read this (I thought that was something that only happened in books, not in real life 😂).

This is unbelievably selfish. She needs to book a venue big enough to fit immediate family members - ie you and BIL. It's completely out of order.

I thought that the rule on here was the whatever the bride says must go and that people must have the wedding they want and not what others expect?

I told my Mother the date and city we wanted to be married in and let her get on with it. I wasn't remotely interested in the arrangements and I had no input into anything after buying a dress. It was a great day with lovely memories and wasn't in the slightest bit stressful for me. Why do people get so het up about weddings?

I would be very surprised if a venue that advertises itself as holding 12 people includes the officiator in that count. And possibly not all would include the Bride & groom either. Is everyone 100% sure that it’s 12 including officiator, bride and groom?

And I can assure everyone that as a bare minimum I won't be making anything/ showing further interest unless I am suddenly invited to the ceremony!

I just mentioned it to DH. He's going to call her this weekend to clarify. He responded with a shrug "of course. If you're not invited, we shouldn't go." He is a peach. I will update.

it would be rather different if MIL rang me saying "goose we have found a venue we love and can afford but capacity is severely limited and therefore some people who are very dear to me, including you, can't be fitted in. I do hope you aren't hurt..." etc etc

I'm think that this omission is the one you should be miffed at, rather than the actual wedding issue. I guess she just hasn't put enough thought into having that conversation with you and just assumes you understand why she's done what she's done. Maybe you should point that out her quietly and then move on.

Goosegettingfat

MIL doesn't need to 'play nice' because she knows very well you will get on and do as you are told, and she was right.

"weakness, weak point, weak spot, failing, shortcoming, flaw, imperfection, blemish, fault, defect, frailty, infirmity, inadequacy,

Any of those better?"

No they're not any fucking better because they're still downplaying the almighty insult that this is. It's not any kind of "weakness etc. blah blah" that the MIL is indulging in here, she's being bloody rude to anyone who isn't her blood relative, apart from her new DH to be. Bet HE doesn't get this kind of treatment later, OH no, but perfectly fine to discount everyone else.

Of course everyone has their own viewpoint but it's STILL a fucking insult to expect the OP to do all that and then not even go to the wedding. Not any of your list of synonyms.

Jessie yes- officiator is an uncle and venue is not usually used for this purpose.

Jessie - I agree that the officiator isn't included in the count, and I don't think the B&G are either, as they don't require seats. We got married in a registry office that seated 50 (It was that or 6) and we weren't included in the count, that was the number of chairs for the guests.

xposted - different story then, Goose

Goosegettingfat

He is a peach and you know he doesn't need your permission to stand up for you does he? He could just go ahead and put that call in anyway, as a real peach would do.....

Unless of course he also knows you will come round to doing and paying for everything and being left at the pub and not complaining, so he can be fairly confident that he will never have to put that call in to mummy dearest and can sit back and wait for you to 'do the right thing'.

Perhaps not so peachy now, but he has played a blinder and so has she. Job done. Next.