MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

OK now I'm trying to think what this venue is. It can only fit a small number of people... A cave? Underwater? (My driving instructor got married underwater!) A disused cellar? A telephone box?

Hollow yes exactly- that kind of thing.

So there's only about 3/4 not invited to the ceremony?

If you are invited now though-it will be for the sake of your husband & daughters being there-not because she wants you there.

I also wouldn't be doing invitations/decorations or buying bmaid dresses even if now invited.

Too little to late.

She's not a good Gmother.

Is anyone else thinking what the Fu** is happening to this thread??

I would be really hurt by this, and would respond by not going at all (and talking the children to Center Parcs instead)! DILs seem to always get the blame for every thing (well I do anyway!) while facilitating and maintaining relationships. I stopped after I was shouted at and neither my DH or children have bothered to see her since.

I suspect the wedding is going to be on a boat.

If it were me in this position, I would go with my daughters being bridesmaids (if they are looking forward to that). I would not do any of the helpful jobs and I would stay at home with ds.

Milzilla has drawn a line in the sand and I would not be speaking to her several times a week or doing anything to encourage any relationship with her. I would fade into the background and let her get on with it. It will be her loss. And if your children ask why Mummy is not going to Granny’s wedding, I would tell them the truth; that I wasn’t invited.

Ah no diddl - the reception is in a pub and I imagine it will be packed with lots of others who didn't make the ceremony list. Just not lots of others who are close family and whose dds are bridesmaids!

Op

He is a peach and you know he doesn't need your permission to stand up for you does he? He could just go ahead and put that call in anyway, as a real peach would do.....

Unless of course he also knows you will come round to doing and paying for everything and being left at the pub and not complaining, so he can be fairly confident that he will never have to put that call in to mummy dearest and can sit back and wait for you to 'do the right thing'.

Perhaps not so peachy now, but he has played a blinder and so has she. Job done. Next.

she's being an utter twerp.

on balance given that you want to continue your relationship on good terms, which you've worked at very hard to achieve, i would go along with her crap plans. you have nothing to gain by making a fuss. if she relents and invites you you'll know it's under duress. the damage is done. i'd take the high road and let her carry on her awful ways. her shabby treatment of you won't go unnoticed.

but only because it's her wedding would i put up with it. for anything else - no way!! - and i def wouldn't make much more effort.

If you are invited now though-it will be for the sake of your husband & daughters being there-not because she wants you there.

Yeah - I wouldn't feel any differently about her if she changes her mind after dh's conversation with her. She has made clear where you are in her hierarchy of people. I'd go and try to have a bit of a laugh about it but also, cut way back on working on the relationship in any meaningful way - no more calls/emails/making decorations/prioritising visiting her - let that up to dh.

YANBU that is irritating. I'm not sure it is worth falling out over but if she expresses no regret, it shows you how she regards you as not part of her immediate family.

Simply her venue isn't big enough. I think it would be more acceptable if she just had B&G and 2 witnesses, than cut out her children's partners. If she hasn't booked /paid yet I think your DH should give her a ring and ask what the other options are.

The only reason you have a 'good relationship' with MIL is because you are bending over backwards!! Your DH would have less contact, it's all down to you.

Do you buy all her bday/xmas presents from you both? Do you remind him to call her?

So she thinks the sun shines out of his arse but it's all your doing, and you don't even get a invitation

You need to take a step back OP and let DH get on with his MIL at his own pace. She's not exactly grateful for your input. Cheeky bitch is faking being nice to you.

on balance given that you want to continue your relationship on good terms, which you've worked at very hard to achieve, i would go along with her crap plans. you have nothing to gain by making a fuss

And everything to lose by continuing to be a doormat.

The trouble is that, even if she changes her mind now, the damage has already been done.

Please don’t offer any assistance with anything in the future

My jaw is still on hte floor that a person would have a wedding complete with bridesmaids and pageboys and their son 'giving them away' like a blushing virgin bride. FFS. There's zero way I'd spend money on flights abroad, accommodation, etc for a big ol' wedding for someone who's already a granny! Tacky and low-rent.

For this reason alone, YANBU but if I were your H this would be a no-brainer. We can't afford it, can't get hte time off, won't be able to come.

And no, people don't need shitty grandparents in their lives.

When FIL remarried, we had a call to tell us we wouldn't be invited to the ceremony, just to the reception.
We then got a message we could come, but the DC couldn't, to which we politely said 'no thanks'. We had already exlained to the DC that we would not be at the wedding (which was hard enough) so I could not face having another conservation telling them me and DH could now go but they still were not invited.
Then we finally got a call saying we could all go.
So we plastered on smiles and turned up but by this point we really did not give a shit about the wedding.
I agree with your DH - excluding you is no acceptable. If you're not on the invite list, none of you go.

I can't understand why you put yourself so far out for someone who doesn't care about you.

I'd stop making the running with phone calls - we've always had a "your family you keep in touch" policy on the whole. If your DH doesn't want to keep in contact that much maybe its not just a "man thing" (I know thats sexist) but a genuine, "I know my mother" thing. You should take your lead from him.
And lacking GP is probably better than manipulative ones.
I think you are in FOG and willing to do anything to give your DC decent GPs, but maybe MIL isn't that really. What messages is she giving to the children about you?

I feel so conflicted about this. My brother only invited his siblings and not their spouses or their children to both the wedding ceremony and reception but they did invite friends! When my sister remonstrated she was asked why comprises should be made on their wedding day and why should they invite people close to siblings at expense of their friends.
It was then clear the whole ‘in law relationship meant nothing.
I can understand that people want a particular venue and I understand that for some ‘blood’ is important.
However now she has nailed her colours to the mast stop facilitating her relationship with her family. Bridesmaid dresses aside do nothing else for that wedding but go to reception (if you want to).
If the son-in-law isn’t making a fuss you might look foolish if you do. Definitely don’t ask how others feel it will backfire on you. Keep dignity! But stop facilitating.

TemptressofWaikiki and Bekabeech are absolutley spot on.

As an exercise, sit down and total up how much this whole palaver will cost you (factor in interest on any credit cards, travel to and from your home to the airport, parking etc). Have a think about what else you could do with that money - especially if things are a bit tight.

I am assuming that op has been treated badly in the past, perhaps by her own family and that is why she is putting up with this, no self respecting human being would find this tolerable?

Maybe in her mind any family is better than the one she has, even if the MIL from hell is capitalising as is peachy husband for NOT calling his mother himself and sorting this out quietly but firmly.

Thank you ewab, and lots of other people who have offered a considered and grounded perspective. I agree and I will stop the facilitating. I understand that some are incredulous that I have given so much in this relationship- the truth is I really thought our relationship had improved so much that I was considered a daughter. And clearly, from this, I'm mistaken! So I will learn from it.

Goose, why isn't your husband just calling his mother and sorting this out?

How can he stand by and allow this to happen, that is what I would like to know. He really should making a stand.

You are not considered a daughter, as hurtful as that might be, you are an underling. One that she can use and abuse to her hearts content.

Elderflower - give him a chance! It's only 4ish, assuming he'll call over the weekend...

OP - don't go crazy and keep the higher ground, which may mean fitting in with her - frankly rude - plans. But remember that she has decided that you aren't family to her. Which means she's not family to you. Stop bothering. If she wants effort, she has to make effort.

It's not being a doormat to not make a stand about someone else's wedding, it would be to not take their treatment of you into consideration when making plans about how to deal with them from now on.

I agree with elderflower, dh should really have made the call by now. It is his mother's wedding and he really ought to be the one to call her and tell her it just isn't on, he should say that he is not comfortable with it, that he doesn't feel he can leave his wife sitting outside.

Anything else will cause even more problems between you and your darling mother in law and are very likely to be long term and cause great resentment.

How would your MIL feel if it’s the other way around? If you invited her to an event, say a christening for example, but said to her that you couldn’t accommodate her new DH, as he wasn’t ‘blood family’, how would she react to that?