MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

Mumsnet gets better every day.

Sorry OP - just to clarify - is she excluding just 2 people ie: you and her daughter's husband?

She's chosen a venue which is TWO short of being big enough for immediate family and gone with it??

The response about letting her know which 3 of you will attend is genius. That would be my response after your DH had clarified that she in fact only has space for 3 of you. You have to set it up first, she’ll dig her own hole pretending it’s all about space and numberS and not because she is a bitch.

Cleaning lady idea : she could borrow mil's broom...

Does she not realise that her soon to be DH is not "blood family" too? Would she be happy to have him excluded from future family events.

Is you DH prepared to stand up to her?

I don't think any of you should be going. Surley excluding your son's wife from the wedding totally undermines the principle of marriage. Your MIL is basically saying that she doesn't take the vows she is about to take seriously. Attending the marriage ceromony under such conditions would be hypocritical of your own marriage vows.

I don't think any of you should go but it if DH insists on going then it should be him and him alone. Make for an interesting speech.

"It gave me great pleasure to give my mother away. I'd like to welcome you to our family but I can't because my mother doesn't hold wedding vows in very high esteeml. As the exclusion of my wife today shows, the vows you have just taken do not entitle you to family status."

And I certainly wouldn't be subsidising any of the costs.

Importantly, did you pay for flights, accommodation etc. in advance of being told you couldn’t attend the wedding?
If so, that is an outrageously liberty take!

id go with her firstly with your dh suggestion that he wont go If you his wife and unit cant be there.id assume shes pretty uickly change her mind then and that it decisions over.sorted.
if not then she really is being unreasonable and id hate for your and dh to have to decide what to do next!
sorry.sounds harsh.tricky.not nice for you.

My children will never be flower girls or page boys at a wedding ceremony I’m not invited to. Your dh is completely correct (my mil is nothing like this really but has tried to organise the odd my children only family event. Her married sons have said no)

I do think its good of you for not wantitng to cause a rift...but.somethings need to be.and something like this you and ur dh need to show a united front.
also even if you do not go to put aside any rifts It will casue it anyway.because you and your dh will always remember this and it will effect your behaviour surely.

I don't understand why you offered to decorate and agreed to the travel and accommodation costs, when you know what she's like.
Stop contacting her and let your dh deal with her, support his decision and don't go if you aren't all invited.
Does she think your baby will upstage her if you are there.

The only reason things appear to have eased with MIL on the surface is that you seemed to have accepted your place as some unpaid housekeeper and personal assistant on behalf of your DH. You’re good enough to help, pay for stuff and keep her abreast of what I would very much assume is mostly about what your kids and her DS are up to. You are kidding yourself if you think there is any respect or genuine gratitude there for you. You are tolerated but you are not cherished or valued. Please don’t let your DC see this. There isn’t any need for a massive drama. It is a very good idea, having your DH speak to her and ask in an incredulous manner, implying it was a misunderstanding, if he heard right that you are to be excluded from the actual ceremony, especially after helping her so much with her wedding plans. It’s going to put her on the spot. Either she will grab that wiggle out opportunity and confirm it was a misunderstanding. If she actually repeats the same to him, that will be the moment for your DH to teach her family values and that you and the kids are his family unit and he won’t stand for her ‘blood relative’ nonsense. All of this can be said in a calm manner. The onus is on her to be a decent grandparent, don’t feel like you have to sell yourself in the process. I would also reduce calls and emails. Let her make the effort to really include and show you some much overdue respect.

All or none.
Simples!

Some years ago MIL overstepped her boundaries in a big way and berated and blamed me for a choice DP made. I was really offended and hurt.

I was the one facilitating her contact with her GC like you, and also keeping her up to date on our lives as DP never bothered to call her.

So I became very busy with my hobby for a few months so I never visited, and predictably DP barely bothered so she saw her GC less, I also dropped the wifework for DP - reminding him to ring his mum on her birthday or shoving a present and card under his nose to sign and take credit for. Fuck that.

After a while I resumed visiting again and DP got better at contact /gifts as I never took that on again. And we've had a lovely relationship ever since.

If the wedding is a few months away I'd recommend you drop all chat for several weeks. Just be 'busy' and get DH to return the call making sure he is his usual untalkative self. Show her that you are the reason she has the relationship with her 'blood' relatives in your home and let her gnaw over that and see if she will come around.

I'd be bloody pissed off at being excluded like that, how very fucking rude of her!

I really did like Palliser's point about the groom being lucky he was included as he wasn't "blood" - hilarious!

Bloody woman though, how dare she be such a cunt to you. And she really is being one, that's just vicious one upmanship - "oh you're not my blood so you're not good enough to be at my wedding" - fuck OFF.

Yes, you''re probably right about the venue H&S rules etc. but I wouldn't have chosen a venue that excluded one member of my son's family!

So, YADNBU at all, or a diva - but I have no useful advice on how to deal with it :(

Am I right OP that the wedding party is bride, groom, best man, 3 adult children your 2 dds and nephews ..? How many nephews?

@Looneytune253 , choose a different venue? One that accommodates their needs?

Im with your DH on this one all or none tbh.
Or an alternative suggestion is possibly hiring a babysitter/friend to watch your dds to free up 2 spaces for you and other cold shoulder -ed spouse bil to then attend. I'd put that to mil as a solution otherwise your DH may have to be convinced to go alone
With DDs attending reception in any dress of their own choosing preferably from own wardrobe to cut costs as they aren't props to be used when marriage means so little to MIL.
I'd also cut back on keeping her up to date if she wants to be a good granny she can continue to do so by perhaps speaking to her son too!

Given that the venue is so small, I'm imagining it to be in one of the pods on the London Eye! And, I may be letting my imagination run away with me, but I can envisage you shouting & jumping up & down in the adjacent pod when the officiant asks if anyone has an objections to the marriage!

My MIL did that to me with a special family event abroad. It was REALLY mean and I later found out that exceptions were made, except for me, so it was just a mean and underhand excuse. It still hurts. Not the stupid event but the deliberate exclusion.
So no YANBU and also I bet you will find nearer the time that exceptions are made.
You do so much for her, I would actually write how you feel and why you think it is off... or get OH to talk to her, if he is good at these kinds of discussions. You want a good communicator on this not a sledgehammer. Ultimately it is still up to her, but if she doesn't treat you like family, she cannot expect you to make family style concessions for her, in terms of paying for all the dresses etc.

*any

I am pondering this, because I don't want to cut my nose off etc. my dc are a bit thin on the gp front. She's sort of the best they've got, so I really do want to keep the relationship going for their sakes.

I think life is too short to fall out over this. If your family, especially your children, benefit in any way from having a relationship with your MIL, I would just paste on a smile and forgive her this foible. It's a 20min ceremony - just sit in your car, play Scrabble on your phone then meet them coming out and get on with your life.

It's not worth making a fuss about this one IMO.