MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

Terrible behaviour. I don't think it matters if the venue is small - you choose a venue that is big enough for the number of guests you need to invite. There's various places you can draw that line on who to invite to make venue and guest numbers match up - but straight through the middle of your children's families is not one of those places.

She is batshit. People like her scare the bejeesus out of me. Wouldn't want her anywhere near my children.

YANBU, I think that's really offensive, to the point that it's treating you as a second class person or a servant. Awful behaviour.

OP, your DH has said if you can't go, you all won't go. Why would you not respect his decision, when he is standing up for you?

She is not a great gran if she leaves you out of things. It's a terrible thing to teach your children, that you should just put up with this sort of behaviour in order to keep the peace.

Stop facilitating contact with her, and don't do anything to help her with this wedding.

Why on earth do you allow someone to treat you like this, do you have low self esteem?

isnt it amazing, so often its a " you have a DH problem not an MIL problem" and this post is " you have a prince hold on to him" vibe

Send message that you have solved the space issue, your children will be stay at home with relatives/friends and you will be her bridesmaid. Source a big fluffy bridesmaid dress on eBay and send her a photo.

Ah that's a bit much especially when your dc is bridesmaid..really rude imo.

It would be hard enough to accept you aren't wanted invited but to insist/suggest/accept all the help with the dresses etc and you're still not invited. Words fail me.

Pallisers your suggestion actually made me lol

I clearly come across as much more of a doormat than I see myself. She is honestly not monstrous but I am possibly a bit too desperate to maintain an equilibrium. I will give careful thought to this.

Squeever the venue holds 12 people. And it genuinely does, I'm sure. It's a h&s problem, not just a space consideration. I don't believe she would stoop to fabricating the number of guests it can hold, I just believe they thought of the venue, realised I was pretty and fitted their budget, and when they realised that partners of her dc wouldn't fit in, she thought that was fine really.

And yes, sorry, forgot who asked- I have baby DS, who presumably won't be required at the ceremony. Otherwise I could just go off to a spa for the day!

Shaking that's lovely, thanks. Yes, he is

Kc25

If I were you I'd carry on with her plans but discreetly mention it to everyone else at the reception.

They will think she is very mean.

Agree with pp who suggested that your DH says to MiL that you’ll decide between you which one is going into the ceremony. Her answer will tell you all you need to know. In the future stop facilitating contact with her and just leave it up to your DH.

Why not go as the cleaning lady?

You could dress up in your dinner ladies dress and take a broom and go up and down the venue sweeping away like the original cinderella....it would be utterly bloody priceless and your kids would LOVE it!!
She can hardly ask the cleaning lady to leave....maybe you could rattle around at the back in the cupboards as they are saying their vows with an extra special racket when it comes to any objections to this marriage.

The main objection is that you have brought and made most of the wedding yourself!

I would not change for the reception either. The photos will be fabulous

So your options are:

Somehow you persuade her to change the venue (unlikely, it seems)

None of you go, on a point of principle.

You all go and you don't go to the ceremony (as she's suggested) and you/dh say nothing about it but gnash your teeth.

You all go but you/preferably your dh makes it clear to her how hurtful she's being.

Your dh goes with the kids and you stay home with the baby

I so wish I was you now, you could have so much fun with this!

If she does not see you as part of the family because you are “only” married to her DS...
...why is she getting married? What significance does she think it has?

I agree with the approach of saying you and your DH will decide who’s coming, but I would possibly expand it to “sorry you can only fit 3 of us in, * we’ll talk it over and let you know which of us will come”

• assuming you are a family of 4?

oh thornyhousewife - you are clearly a Queen of the "losing to win" approach for dealing with difficult family!

Or you and the other uninvited in laws don't wait at the pub as instructed but take yourselves off to the nearest theme park or day out.

When she asks why you didn't go to the reception you could just tell her you forgot.

It’s not simply that there’s no room for you, which is bad enough itself, but the outlay and time implications. You have spent money on:
Dresses
Decorations
Partner’s Outfit
Car hire
Accommodation
Flights

But you can’t go to the wedding!! That’s crazy and beyond rude.

I think your dh should go, with or without children, and you should stay home and treat yourself to something wonderful for all the thankless effort you’ve made.

So who are the 12 people that will be there Goose?

If you allow yourself to be routinely bullied & excluded from family events because you are "not blood" what message does this give your children?

That you are lesser? Irrelevant? Worthless?
Not really part of their family?

What will your children think, watching their mother allow herself to be treated this way?

That would be the end of the regular phone calls, if that was me, whether I went or not.

So you are spending/subsidising a wedding that you can’t afford to which you are not invited? For a ceremony that apparently means nothing to her? I’m with your DH. Don’t go. He can also mention that any future family gatherings will have to exclude her new husband... he’s not related to anyone at all! If you’ve bought the dresses etc I’d book a holiday and renew your own vows and post them on social media!

Will the groom be allowed to attend seeing as he's not blood is he?

Silly short sighted MIL.