MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

How old are your dd's? Suggest the younger one stay with the baby and sitter (?) and you will accompany your dh!

You want DH to celebrate your marriage while you ignore his?”

This in spades!! Wtf

That is sooooo rude ! I'd be bloody furious.
Why doesn't she just pop off and have a low key registry office wedding ?
I wouldn't go

Got to love families haven't you!
This is incredibly rude and I think you need to reconsider what you do for her.
If my MIL did that I'd tell her where to go and I'm not sure I'd let my daughter go.
We are a family, a package deal and she needs to learn to respect family a bit more - not just the blood relations! X

Your DH could go but I'd never allow my children to go if I was not welcome.

Totally disrespectful.

Is she marrying her cousin?

I wouldn't facilitate any more.

What sticks is her entitlement to have you travel such a distance at cost and inconvenience for the privilege of being excluded from the ceremony. Just awesome.

I would put as much effort into the invites and decorations as she has with including you.

A trip to Card Factory and £1.49 for the invites!

Op, do you actually like her?

If not, why do you bother?

Her own son doesn't bother-would she bother with any of you if it was up to her to keep the relationship going?

That is truly mean!

I could understand if she wants a small venue and spoke to you about it first, but then to leave her grandson out (how could he be there without you to look after him during the service?) is so horrible.

I am glad your DH is on your side.

If you do go, you would need to be outside the room to look after your DDs whilst DH is with MIL, so just walk into the room and sit down before the ceremony starts. It would be brilliant and I doubt that MIL would stop the ceremony to demand you leave whilst she is halfway down the aisle. If she does that may just make the cost of going worth it.

Think carefully about what you both want from the call OP, before DH makes it (I'm not saying he shouldn't ring btw).

I mean - it's unlikely that they're going to be able to change the venue now, so the only way OP could go is indeed by having one of her daughters pulled out. That would be horrendously awkward and not nice.

Who want's to go to a wedding they weren't invited to at the expense of their DC ?!

DH's call is to center around simply telling his DM he's not going, and neither are his DCs. Please, no attempt to shoehorn OP into the wedding. For the above reasons.

Well as a previous poster commented on how brides are allowed to choose who they invite to their wedding, I’d say fine but

1. I’m not flying anywhere to go to a wedding reception
2. I’m not paying for my DDs to be bridesmaids at a wedding I’m not invited to
3. I’m not helping decorate a wedding I’m not invited to
4. I’m not facilitating all of the contact between families, DH is her son, so call him

I know you’ve updated to say DH will speak to MIL but I read this thread this morning and spent the day outraged!

Hi OP, you say you need to pay for flights, is the venue in the UK?
Because if it is then in order for the marriage to be legal
The location of the room(s) for civil marriages or civil partnerships will be prominently displayed in the building and access is always made available to any member of the public who may wish to attend a ceremony. !!!!!!
That is an extract from the licence requirements for any venue.
Remember "Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."? It wasn't just a quaint religious bit of gobbledegook: it was a legal requirement to allow anyone who knew that the person wasn't divorced from a still living wife (for example) to call a halt to the marriage. The next bit of the licensing rules mentions this: " If any member of the public wishes to object to the ceremony on legal grounds, they must have the right to unfettered access to witness the ceremony and make objections prior to, or during, the ceremony."
www.surreycc.gov.uk/people-and-community/birth-death-marriage-and-civil-partnerships/marriage-civil-partnerships/how-to-licence-premises-for-civil-ceremonies/terms-and-conditions-for-granting-a-licence-for-civil-ceremonies

So I really don't see how MilZilla can stop you attending.

Altiara thank you for being outraged on my behalf! Lauste indeed, but I think it's worth the call because whatever the outcome, MIL does need to be told that this behavior has been noted as not nice.

Stop the wedding for the sake of the poor groom to be!
After the ceremony he won't be seen in public with her again what with not being a blood relative!!

Calatonia that is interesting. Not sure. Maybe the ceremony she's discussing with me is in addition to an official but un- celebrated/ v low key official "I do" at a registry office? In any case I think the best thing is that DH straightens this out with her this weekend. And btw to the one or two people who feel that DH should have already been on the phone to his dm by now - I did only receive the news that this was her plan yesterday evening! So it's totally reasonable for him to take care of it this weekend. I must say I'm really looking forward to what she has to say about it!

April * diddl* yes! I'm afraid to say I do like her - or did! I genuinely thought our relationship was more than it clearly is. As far as i can see this is going to go one of 2 ways:

1. MIL realises that she has been really rude and needs to change venue (it's not set in stone yet I don't think so not impossible) to accommodate me or risk her Ds and dgc not coming - in which case, fine. I'm not too proud and I love a wedding.

2. MIL tells DH that I can't come, in which case he will tell her as gently as possible that unfortunately that means none of us will be coming - in which case, fine. We can't really afford it anyway.

But either way, I've seen the lay of the land, I won't be making decorations or trying to maintain this relationship and MIL is going to get put in her place. All sounds fairly ok to me

"in which case, fine. I'm not too proud and I love a wedding."

But if you can't really afford it, perhaps you should be thinking about just your husband going-if anyone does?

Good update, Goose
You've had some excellent advice here, I agree that MIL can't have it all her own way with your relationship.

In a way this is all quite positive.

Your DH is on side.

You actually quite like MIL and are pretty laid back about it.

She's demonstrated very clearly that to her, you're second tier.

You're about to demonstrate back, very clearly, via her DS so there is no doubt about it, that she's wrong and you aren't afraid to say so. No, to you and her DS, you are the family and she is the second tier who you aren't afraid to cut out if she insults any of you. It's a very good lesson for MIL to learn and should be a nice little shock for her.

Hopefully the outcome of that can be nothing but positive. You don't want to cut her off, so she won't suffer. She'll simply get a rather rude awakening as to what the 'pecking order' actually is... and as a result, your children will hopefully see their grandmother afford their mother, and their own nuclear family in general, a little more respect.

All of that is far more important than a ceremony really, and if none of you go because of this, it'll be well worth it if it makes the undercurrent dynamic more positive than it seems to be now.

Diddl well.... I don't mean it will send us into debt, I just mean that we could do without the expense

I have nothing to add except to agree wholeheartedly with Fizzy and so I'm placemarking for an outcome after the weekend

Fizzy that's exactly what I think

Well I hope you won't be the only one who is invited .

As you mentioned there are 12 people coming and you makes 13.

Call me superstitious but 13 at a wedding sounds a little unlucky.

This reminds me of a thread in classics (Tidydancer I think the OP's name is?). She was asked by someone she previously thought was a close friend to decorate the venue the day of the wedding, as she is known for being amazing at that kind of thing. No invitation was forthcoming from a very ungrateful bride - possibly the original Bridezilla? Read that. You may find it empowering. The OP was awesome!