Struggling with step son

[Candleinthewind123]

I've namechanged but am a regular poster. I'm posting here for traffic but think this issue is wider than most would admit. I expect some flaming as step mums are not usually given much of a chance on here but here goes, I need an honest perspective.

DSS is 18, he's working and earning a decent full time, non apprentice wage. He pays his mum a small amount of rent and due to the ex wife refusing to sign off a divorce until this was agreed, DH will be paying spousal maintenance until DSS is mid 20s. This leaves us quite hand to mouth. We've been married three years and together almost 7.

DSS still has contact visits five nights a fortnight which includes EOW. We take no money from him for food but he drinks our beer and eats like a horse.

AIBU in asking DSS to contribute towards his meals? When would you reasonably expect contact visits to start to become less frequent? I understand he wants to see his dad and I'm not trying to stop it at all, but I know where I was at 18 and it was very different to this situation. I'm struggling with this adult child to be honest. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I'm finding it increasingly difficult.

Adult children who don't live with a parent shouldn't have to pay for meals when visiting that parent! I was living away from home at 18 but still back a few times a week to see my parents and they would never have dreamed of charging me for meals.

You can't blame your SS for the terrible arrangement your DH has with his EW. He shouldn't be paying another 7 years of maintenance when your SS is an earning adult paying his own way. I'd get that sorted asap.

It was a court order agreement so I don't think it can be changed. I don't mean to charge him per meal, just a contribution, say buying his dad a pack of four beers or here's £20 towards my food this month.

No, just no. He might be technically an adult but he's your husband's child and should not be asked to pay for coming for a meal! The financial arrangement between his parents is nothing to do with him.

If you ask him to do this you will appear petty, man be don't have beers available when he comes then he won't be able to swipe yours? TBH my teenage boys are like a plague of locusts through our food- it costs a lot to feed teen boys.

So you pay your parents when you visit them?

I don't think it's reasonable for him to pay. At 18, he's probably not thinking at all about it.

My parents and my in laws still provide us with food and drink when we go there. We are only just in a position now we have a house to host back and we are 34!

He's with us EOW plus two-three nights a fortnight so it's not occasional. I have always paid my way.

I think he's a bit old for regular contact visits.

What do you mean? He is 18. He is just visiting his Dad.

Do you usually charge visitors if they come for tea?

What does this mean - When would you reasonably expect contact visits to start to become less frequent? Do you mean you want your DH to see less of his adult children? I am a bit confused.

When you visit your family do you pay them?

I think you’re being unreasonable and if you try and do this you run this risk of pushing him away. It’s not his fault your partner has to pay spousal maintenance. My parents are separated and I know I wouldn’t appreciate my dad’s partner (if he had one) telling me I had to contribute towards food every time I went for contact with my dad.

No, you can't. Even tho teen boys eat like locusts. The problem is the exw is getting too much money, not DS who presumably isn't seeing a penny of it. The secondary problem is that you feel like you and DH don't have much.

Yes, you can go back to court about it, esp as DS is a self-supporting adult. I would be tempted to give DS the £ when maintenance is reduced so he can save for his own accommodation.

Don't buy beer if you don't want him to drink it.

Also I’m 23, I still went for regular contact until I moved away at 18. I still pop down every weekend at least one week night when I’m home for the uni holidays

I think he's a bit old for regular contact visits.

You are sounding quite odd now OP. Do you not have any relationship with your own family? Most 18 year olds who aren't living away at uni will live with and spend time with their parents, if the parents are good decent people who they want to spend time with.

Ok but no one is taking into consideration how often he is with us. He pays his mum rent for 4 extra days a fortnight (5 with us 9 with her). Plus she gets the money from DH.

He’s 18 and he has contact visits, sorry but that’s just weird.

You can’t charge him for meals why are you still paying the ex? Are there younger kids?

I think he's a bit old for regular contact visits.

But he lives with his mum the (albeit a small) majority of the time, what's the problem with him staying with his dad the rest of the time?

On reflection, regarding contact visits are they just carrying on the way they always have or is it still set in stone so to speak?

Why do you think it is odd that he visits / has contact with his dad so frequently, it’s his dad?!

I have friends that moved away at 18 for uni, then moved back home with their parents after uni and have only just got their own home of their own at 27.

It’s totally normal for adult children to want to see and spend time with their parents. 18 years old is barely an adult as well.

Court order means DH has to pay until 2023! I think 18 is old enough to be visiting dad when he wants but not EOW regular contact visits. I moved out from parents at 18 and visited but didn't live with them again.

Sorry but you are blaming the step son for your DH making a weird financial agreement with his ex wife. No parent is going to charge their adult son for visiting. Don't have beers available when he comes and if he mentions it suggest he buys his own. Its up to your DH anyway and if he does agree about charging his son he will probably fins he sees less of him.

I imagine there might be grounds for him going through court to try and change the agreement as DSS is now earning. Didn't know they could make such an arrangement anyway. if DSS left his mum's house would your DH still be paying her? very weird.

Is it really just about the money or something more about your dh having other relationships?

Regardless of the rights and wrongs here, if you did this you would destroy any potential future relationship with this young man (your own relationship with him, probably your dh's relationship with him and then no doubt the relationship between you and your dh). Is that what you want?

Charging him for food and alcohol when he's only around for such a small proportion of time quite simply tells him he is unwanted. Is that the message you want to give? He is adult so the contact arrangement's are now under his control. No court can order an adult to visit their parents.

If sounds like your issue is about him behaving as if he is at home (helping himself etc). He wont be around for much longer so enjoy that he is relaxed and likes your company. If money is really the only issue then prepare less food, buy less beer and if he's that hungry he can contribute by getting himself a takeaway.

Calling it a contact visit is weird.

Visiting his dad is not weird.

I think he has to pay regardless of where DSS lives, even if he came to live with us! It's spousal maintenance not child, to enable her to pay her mortgage but not have to work. It's not up to me but makes my blood boil. We both work long full time hours .

As far as I know maintenance payments stop at 18 unless the child is in FT education generally. So I would get legal advice regarding the court order as it's not really maintenance he's paying the next 5 years, it's just money for his exW

When would you reasonably expect contact visits to start to become less frequent?

Fucking hell I missed that. YABU for that alone. I am a stepmum and my stepson is not staying with us at present unfortunately (absent mum since he was tiny so when I met DP he was a single parent) which bothers me every day. I can't fathom wanting to see him less.