Struggling with step son

[Candleinthewind123]

I've namechanged but am a regular poster. I'm posting here for traffic but think this issue is wider than most would admit. I expect some flaming as step mums are not usually given much of a chance on here but here goes, I need an honest perspective.

DSS is 18, he's working and earning a decent full time, non apprentice wage. He pays his mum a small amount of rent and due to the ex wife refusing to sign off a divorce until this was agreed, DH will be paying spousal maintenance until DSS is mid 20s. This leaves us quite hand to mouth. We've been married three years and together almost 7.

DSS still has contact visits five nights a fortnight which includes EOW. We take no money from him for food but he drinks our beer and eats like a horse.

AIBU in asking DSS to contribute towards his meals? When would you reasonably expect contact visits to start to become less frequent? I understand he wants to see his dad and I'm not trying to stop it at all, but I know where I was at 18 and it was very different to this situation. I'm struggling with this adult child to be honest. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I'm finding it increasingly difficult.

Loves spending time not lives

I was thinking that maybe the court had agreed the spousal maintenance until 2023 to allow the exw to keep the family home until son graduates.
I’ve never heard of spousal maintenance being agreed when the income is 25k though. Did you miss a zero out?
I don’t think you should ask him to contribute though, he lives with his mum and visits his Dad.

I didn't believe a spousal maintenance payment would be approved unless the husband was a very high earner but I was wrong. I also find it bizarre it's allowed but it is. DH earns £25k and pays £500 per month for one 18 yr old son until 2023
When he will be 23. If she remarries it stops from date of marriage or if she moves in with partner, 6 months after they cohabit. You can call me all you like but these are the facts.

I don't charge my 20 year old when she comes home to visit. I wouldn't charge a step child either. Different if they have a full time job, and live with you full time. When I would charge a low rent and, if circumstances permitted, save the rent for the child to use as a house deposit/car fund etc.
Rather than get angry at the DSS, I would look into getting the spousal maintenance order changed. It seems an unusual order.

His child his 18 not 4! I've been a good step mother but would now like some time with my husband

Sorry you lost me here.

It shouldn't matter if he's still doing it at 40! It's his dad! Your husbands child!

If you don't like the fact your husband spends so much time with his son, his child, his own flesh and blood, maybe you need to consider the relationship. If my ds stepmum was thinking like this, trust me, there would be all hell to play!!

@Candleinthewind123 sorry but calling bullshit on that last comment. Are you sure your DH tells you his actual earnings? Given that judges won't even enforce child support payments without proof I find it incredibly hard to believe a judge would ask an exP to give over 30% of their take home pay in spousal maintenance? I feel for you as someone who was lied to by exP about their financial circumstances but ffs do your research, wake up and don't flame the step son!

@kitkatsky I have seen his payslips,
I have read the legal papers. He's not lying, it's not bull shit.

“ I think he’s a bit old for regular contact visits”

How rude is that? He’s just seeing his dad, butt your nose out.

Sooo rude

Then take it back to court OP. That is the problem not your DSS

Could it be 7 years of backdated payments he hasn’t made to his son? Or as a deal because his wife contributed more to the house or something else like that?

It absolutely does saison4. Not sure why you’re so sure it doesn’t.

Okay, then I bow down to your knowledge and will give up pestering the CMS and ask a judge for spousal maintenance instead given that for one child he only has to pay 15% anyway and refuses. You might have let me into a gold mine but I doubt it somehow 🙄🙄🙄

Pays 500 pcm for an 18 year old that works full time and earns whilst parent is on 25k a year? Wtf!

You and your DO need to go back to court, no way does this sound right.

I'm entitled to enjoy life!

Is his mother not also entitled to enjoy a break a few days a fortnight then whilst he spends a bit of time with his Dad?

id look into going back to court to change the spousal maintenance, rather than trying to make the son pay

I've been a good step mother but would now like some time with my husband.

That is not how this works. This is not how any of this works. You don't get to go "oh, child is an adult, now husband is all mine".

I don't even understand how you get to that? Why do you think the boy is giong to disappear so you and your husband live happily ever after?

*I think he's a bit old for regular contact visits.
*
I'm 24 and have a child of my own. I still go visit my dad EOW (unless either of us have plans) as I have done for the past 19 years.

He lives with his mother and visits you. Hence his paying to live there.

@kitkatsky it's not my knowledge, just my experience I'm not a lawyer. DH has always paid his maintenance and ex wife didn't need to go to CMS.
@afterthestorm I believe it's a small mortgage with a low loan to value. No other children.

Might get yelled at for this but I will put it here anyway.

Just because kids turn 18 doesnt make them magically turn into adults. Most 18 year old boys I know are just massive kids, and if hes still sulking and playing X-Box... he is still a kid.

If he has a good, strong healthy relationship that he chooses to maintain with his father then I would a) not want to interfere with this; b) encourage.

Unless I am reading this wrong OP, I very much get the impression that you feel DSS is taking advantage of you- as many 18 year olds do and to quote my mother 'treating the place like a hotel'. Please correct me if I am wrong.

I don't think its unreasonable to ask DSS to muck in and pull his weight like part of the family re dishes. You are a family. You are not a hotel.

This should come from his dad though, not you. He should be the one having the conversation. Whilst I dont think that he should be paying rent, I do think that his dad should be pointing out that you do a lot and it would be nice and thoughtful of him to offer to pay for something as he has a good job.

*eg, not re

The ridiculously high maintenance isn't DSS' fault though, is it? And the fact he has made a rental arrangement with his mother as that's his full-time address is between them. Suggesting charging him for visits/complaining that at the age of 18 he still wants to come round for visits are both highly unreasonable. I'm a bit shocked at your attitude really. All you've done is reply to comments re the maintenance, but are yet to reply to any of the many posts asking why you have an issue with DSS. Ok, he sounds pretty childish, but then get DH to make him clear up after himself. I have to say it does sound like standard student behaviour though - at least he is working.

@Candleinthewind123 you stated you have known the boy since he was little. Then why did you not tackle both him and your husband about you stepson not helping out around the house from that age?

Every child related to me and my DSD I've ensured helps out around the house even if the house they are staying in isn't one of their parents. Part of it is teaching them to be good guests, the other part is to help develop their life skills.

Now you are going to have to tackle it when the boy is more set in his ways.

Regardless you cannot charge a child, whether they are an adult or not, board for seeing their dad and staying over a few nights every couple of weeks. That's not the way it works. The boy's primary residence is with his mum, and at your house he's just a regular guest.

DH earns £25k and pays £500 per month for one 18 yr old son until 2023
When he will be 23. If she remarries it stops from date of marriage or if she moves in with partner

He isn't paying £500 a month for his son. He's paying his Ex spousal support which is linked to her marital status.

That is what they agreed.

You seem to want his son to vanish now he is 18. You seem to resent his presence and time with his dad. This won't go down well with your DH.

I don't think he should pay where he doesn't reside, but he could but a 6 pack and bring along.

I'm in my 40s. Even if for some reason I stayed with my parents 5 or 6 times a month, thet wouldn't take a penny from me.

You really aren't coming across in a good light.