Struggling with step son

[Candleinthewind123]

I've namechanged but am a regular poster. I'm posting here for traffic but think this issue is wider than most would admit. I expect some flaming as step mums are not usually given much of a chance on here but here goes, I need an honest perspective.

DSS is 18, he's working and earning a decent full time, non apprentice wage. He pays his mum a small amount of rent and due to the ex wife refusing to sign off a divorce until this was agreed, DH will be paying spousal maintenance until DSS is mid 20s. This leaves us quite hand to mouth. We've been married three years and together almost 7.

DSS still has contact visits five nights a fortnight which includes EOW. We take no money from him for food but he drinks our beer and eats like a horse.

AIBU in asking DSS to contribute towards his meals? When would you reasonably expect contact visits to start to become less frequent? I understand he wants to see his dad and I'm not trying to stop it at all, but I know where I was at 18 and it was very different to this situation. I'm struggling with this adult child to be honest. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I'm finding it increasingly difficult.

This is very sad.

It’s really simple Op. it’s actually all in the name. Spousal Maintenance is not child support. Surely you understand that?

On a side note. It’s step parents like you that give step parents a bad name. I am sure the majority of step parents are nothing like you. I feel sorry for your step son.

I don't consider 18 year olds to be adults. When I was 18 i had just finished high school and i was certainly not an adult. I lived at home while at uni and once i moved out I used to go and stay with my parents one night a week most weekends.

GF bollaks

He's an adult,he doesn't have contact visits, fgs!
If you don't want him there for dinners, tell him hes not welcome in his dads house.

I don't consider 18 year olds to be adults

and yet they are, no matter how you consider them.

He is not paying £500 a month for his son, he is paying spousal maintenance to his ex wife.

I was an adult at 18. My boyfriend slept in my flat at least 3 nights a week. Never thought to charge him.

I'm thirty five now. Two days a week I go to eat in my dads house. Not only me. I take my dc. Dh works late those days. I love dad. We enjoy going over. My children play with my toys. Dad does us all dinner. I have never even thought to offer him money, and as he's not just feeding me- but my children as well, I obviously should? -except it would offend him unspeakably so to offer him money and therefore-value our visits by the costs -incurred rather than the value of shared -loving company

"When would you reasonably expect contact visits to start to become less frequent"

What a bizarre thing to ask. The boy is only 18. Are you expecting him to just stop seeing his dad the day after his 18th birthday?

I’m 22 and have never paid my parents to see them.i don’t live with either and would offer a round but wouldn’t expect to pay when staying with them. Take her back to court.

If my dad had decided I had to pay... I would stop coming. Not because I’m there for the food , but because I can’t afford to pay.

I think you're getting a hard time here OP as you thought you would but I'm going to say you don't sound horrible at all.
Just like someone working hard and forging on with their relationship and feeling pressured by something many people could feel pressured by in your situation.
It's just really, really hard. I think the only option is to really carefully figure out whats bothering you without bringing money into the subject and have it out with your partner.
If the kid is surly and unhelpful as you say then he needs a good talking with and brought to account. If you're quietly seething but continuing to enable him(changing his bed/buying beers) then you will explode at one point and it won't be pretty.

I would try and calmly go about finding a way to minimise the pressure you're feeling rather than make it about £20 now and again.
What you're saying is that you just feel deeply unappreciated.
I hope it gets better for you.
Take care.

if you are living hand to mouth, how do you afford beer???

Thanks everyone. Some useful responses here. I know i'm not a horrible person, just someone struggling with a tricky situation. Thanks again.

1. make an application to court for a variation to the spousal maintenance arrangement. List all the expense of supporting adult sons visits and the difficulty it puts you in. They WILL reduce it I can assure you, I’ve been through the process.

2. “hi dss How are you? Hey, can you pick up some beer last on your way over for you and your dad? We seem to have run out.”

3. “oh no it hasn’t been changed, you didn’t strip your bed so ...”

It is unreasonable to charge for visits but he isn’t visiting, he lives with you part time so not unreasonable to expect him to contribute with help if not money. His mum asks for board!

something doesn't add up. No way DYh would have to pay spousal maintenance for so long as such a high rate esp in this income.

Either OP doesn't have all the facts or forgot to drop feed.

@missadasmith - believe me we were also gobsmacked that she firstly would have the brass neck to ask for this and secondly that the court allowed it. There is no drip feed.

What does your husband think about charging him?

@duchy Duke
Could it be 7 years of backdated payments he hasn’t made to his son? Or as a deal because his wife contributed more to the house or something else like that?

^yes to this, or is he paying back jointly accrued debts etc?

He definitely must be paying back a debt.

I get where you're coming from. Formal contact visits at 18 are just odd. My step-kids are now 21 and 19 and have been popping round for coffee, dinner, the odd overnight, etc, for 2-3 years now. Whilst I certainly wouldn't charge them, DSS in particular is very generous and always brings a contribution (food-wise) if he comes over for dinner (crisps, beer, wine) which I don't expect but is appreciated. If the visits were still formal as an adult, then yes I would expect him to contribute something for the weekend, even if it was just a few beers or box of chocolates, which is what I do when I visit my parents as a thank you and token of appreciation.

How did she get spousal maintenance? The whole concept of it is really weird to me!

They arent contact visits though are they? They are just visits. He likes coming to see his Dad and that's good!

Just to put your suppositions to rest, DH is not paying back a big debt and always paid his child maintenance payments, in fact well over what he would have had to pay had it gone through CMS. His wife point blank refused to sign the divorce until he agreed to this spousal maintenance payment. By then, three years into the process DH was just so fed up of it he would have agreed to anything!

There is no token of appreciation from stepson, just an expectation. He never "gives" anything back, and by this I mean kindness, a thoughtful comment or something nice.