Struggling with step son

[Candleinthewind123]

I've namechanged but am a regular poster. I'm posting here for traffic but think this issue is wider than most would admit. I expect some flaming as step mums are not usually given much of a chance on here but here goes, I need an honest perspective.

DSS is 18, he's working and earning a decent full time, non apprentice wage. He pays his mum a small amount of rent and due to the ex wife refusing to sign off a divorce until this was agreed, DH will be paying spousal maintenance until DSS is mid 20s. This leaves us quite hand to mouth. We've been married three years and together almost 7.

DSS still has contact visits five nights a fortnight which includes EOW. We take no money from him for food but he drinks our beer and eats like a horse.

AIBU in asking DSS to contribute towards his meals? When would you reasonably expect contact visits to start to become less frequent? I understand he wants to see his dad and I'm not trying to stop it at all, but I know where I was at 18 and it was very different to this situation. I'm struggling with this adult child to be honest. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I'm finding it increasingly difficult.

You need to talk to your DH about it, OP. As a step-parent it is absolutely essential that you and DH are a team. That means being on the same page with regard to what you expect from stepson around the house. Does DH know that you are resentful about his son's lack of appreciation/contribution? Does he notice it himself? Sometimes the NRP can get a bit stuck in the past wrt to the step-child and what stage they're at, still inclined to treat them like much younger kids. I think RPs tend to have a more realistic sense of what their child is capable of as they get older, and gradually raise their expectations of the child accordingly (which in his mum's case has perhaps taken the form of asking him to pay rent now that he's earning, but for other parents who don't want to charge their kids money it often involves asking them do more chores, having higher expectations of them socially etc). Maybe DH hasn't quite taken in that his son is a young man now. Whatever you do, though, don't let your resentment explode and expect things to change dramatically overnight: it won't happen and will leave everyone hurt and angry. Give it a bit of time, and tolerance, and encourage him gently to start taking a bit more responsibility for himself.