Struggling with step son

[Candleinthewind123]

I've namechanged but am a regular poster. I'm posting here for traffic but think this issue is wider than most would admit. I expect some flaming as step mums are not usually given much of a chance on here but here goes, I need an honest perspective.

DSS is 18, he's working and earning a decent full time, non apprentice wage. He pays his mum a small amount of rent and due to the ex wife refusing to sign off a divorce until this was agreed, DH will be paying spousal maintenance until DSS is mid 20s. This leaves us quite hand to mouth. We've been married three years and together almost 7.

DSS still has contact visits five nights a fortnight which includes EOW. We take no money from him for food but he drinks our beer and eats like a horse.

AIBU in asking DSS to contribute towards his meals? When would you reasonably expect contact visits to start to become less frequent? I understand he wants to see his dad and I'm not trying to stop it at all, but I know where I was at 18 and it was very different to this situation. I'm struggling with this adult child to be honest. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I'm finding it increasingly difficult.

I'm sorry, I just don't get this asking kids to pay for food and board! I will never do that. And in this case, it's hardly a welcome.

This has got to be fake surely

If I went to stay with my mum for a weekend and she asked me for money for food and alcohol I'd be mortified!

The hypocrisy of mumsnet. His mother charges him but that's ok. I suggest asking him to help and I'm a terrible person who shouldn't have married.

'Entitled to enjoy life'

You can??? But your husband still has a child to see...

@FASH84 do get over yourself!

@romeo except it sounds like OP hasn’t even broached this with her husband. He would have to be on board just in the same way a 2.4 family have to be with how they discipline or take rent from a child. All she’ll do if she fires in all guns blazing is cause friction and animosity in the house.

DSS is very childish and still behaves like a child when he's here, grumpy teenager hooked to Xbox, doesn't help, doesn't even strip his own bed for washing.

This needs to stop. And you need DH on board to ensure that it does. No wonder you are resentful if you are constantly cleaning up after a young adult who hasn't started to figure out that part of growing up is learning to contribute (and I don't really mean financially so much as socially and practically) in your parents' house. Again, try to be patient and don't expect miracles overnight - but it absolutely is up to DH (and you) as parents to make sure that your young man starts to grow up. And your DH owes it to you as his wife to ensure that you are not bearing the brunt of his son's teenage behaviour.

So will you be enjoying your life more if he buys your DH a four pack of beers like you suggested? Will that give you more time with him?

The first thread that I have read on here that makes me truly gobsmacked! Stepson LIVES with his mum and pays his way. He visits his dad regularly, he is doing nothing wrong! Your DH is responsible for finances of divorce which presumably the court felt was fair. Are you moaning to your DH about this?

YABU

I've been a good step mother but would now like some time with my husband.

Because you know he won’t want to come as often if you charge him to see his dad. He’s already paying rent at the house where he lives, why would he want to pay extra at somewhere he spends a few days but at? That may not be fair but you have said the spousal maintainence is to cover mortgage payments because ex wife doesn’t work. With you and your DH working full time it would be very evidently nothing but pettiness to put a fee on him to visit.

His child his 18 not 4! I've been a good step mother but would now like some time with my husband
You have had the majority of the week just with your husband (Unless you have other children) for most of your SS's life.

However he should be helping around the house and doing his fair share of things. You and DH need to agree on a plan of action going forward for this. It does sound like he needs to agree what's happening long term with his living arrangements. I can't believe it's not annoying to him as an adult to have the kind of arrangement with two homes.

Chances are it will begin to change naturally soon.

I get what you mean OP. He’s 18, an adult, but it sounds like he’s still sticking to the court ordered contact agreement.

I agree this is weird. They are child based arrangements, not adult.

I don't think YABU with the money, he shouldn't be paying her that for spousal support but he'll have to go back to court to sort that

YABU for the way you are talking about your DSS. Yes, he should be doing things like stripping his bed and helping and I think your DH will have to work with you and get him to start doing that but saying that you want to start enjoying your life by wanting to spend time with your DH at his sons expense is awful. What about the times he isnt there? Surely you can spend time together then.

I have a messy divorce behind me with exH being a reasonable high earner. I am on carers allowance as one of the DC is severely disabled. I was not awarded spousal maintainance by the court as exH was not considered a high earner even though he earned pretty well.

So questions is - how much is your DH earning that he has to pay spousal maintenance? If court awarded spousal maintenance he must earn £££ and I cannot image this you are living hand to mouth only. I guess you earn too?

Also, do you charge other guests for food? How do you handle visits from your side of the family financially?

Tbh, your entire post is bizarre.

DSS is very childish and still behaves like a child when he's here, grumpy teenager hooked to Xbox, doesn't help, doesn't even strip his own bed for washing

I'm assuming your husband has said something to him about this and asked him to help out a bit? There's nothing wrong with asking him to clean his dishes, not make everywhere a mess etc, but to be honest it sounds like you're just wanting a moan because you want your husband all to yourself now SS has got older.

It sounds like you resent your husband’s ex for having spousal maintenance and your husband’s son for visiting a few days a week. You’re a charmer.

Hide your beer. You can't charge him for food. He can buy his own beer though.

He stays with his mum and pays a contribution for keep as he should as an earning adult, why should he have to pay twice because his parents separated? And OP you're coming across badly because you are not just asking about money, your complaining about how much he sees his dad and the impact on you. Did you really think when the clock struck midnight on his 18th he wouldn't need or want his dad as much? It's not your turn, he's not stopping you enjoying your life......he's a responsibility you took on when you married his dad. I'd be devastated if my parents showed resentment like this towards me

OP you tell me to get over myself when you steak of a child who's not even yours, seem astounded that your partner has a relationship with his barely adult son, and want to charge a poor lad at the start of his adult life for visiting his father!! It's like you're jealous of them spending time together. Your claim about spousal maintenance also doesn't ring true at all unless you're not in the UK or your partner earns significantly more than the 25k you allege. Bitterness isn't becoming.

DH is not a high earner, £25k

you don't pay spousal maintenance at 25k. not even at 50k. I guess it was a typo and you missed out a zero!

He pays his mum a bit of board as a, it’s good budgeting and a vital skill to learn and b, she’s who he lives with. He visits his father regularly because he lives spending time with him.

The money paid to his mother is irrelevant as it’s spousal support not child support.

Given your post title and your updates can I ask if you're struggling with step son or DH'a ex wife?