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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling with step son

126 replies

Candleinthewind123 · 10/05/2018 19:00

I've namechanged but am a regular poster. I'm posting here for traffic but think this issue is wider than most would admit. I expect some flaming as step mums are not usually given much of a chance on here but here goes, I need an honest perspective.

DSS is 18, he's working and earning a decent full time, non apprentice wage. He pays his mum a small amount of rent and due to the ex wife refusing to sign off a divorce until this was agreed, DH will be paying spousal maintenance until DSS is mid 20s. This leaves us quite hand to mouth. We've been married three years and together almost 7.

DSS still has contact visits five nights a fortnight which includes EOW. We take no money from him for food but he drinks our beer and eats like a horse.

AIBU in asking DSS to contribute towards his meals? When would you reasonably expect contact visits to start to become less frequent? I understand he wants to see his dad and I'm not trying to stop it at all, but I know where I was at 18 and it was very different to this situation. I'm struggling with this adult child to be honest. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I'm finding it increasingly difficult.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 10/05/2018 20:14

I moved out from parents at 18 and visited but didn't live with them again

you surely k ow times have changed and if teenagers aren't at uni its rarer for them to leave home at 18 than it was even ten years ago. I understand what you mean about set days as I imagine most 18 year olds would prefer to be based at one house but I think its nice he still wants to see his dad that often.

TheHonGalahadThreepwood · 10/05/2018 20:15

I think it would be OK for DH to gently suggest to DSS that now he is an adult and in a decentish job, it might be courteous if he offered to get a supermarket shop in occasionally, contribute some beers to the fridge sometimes etc. Is he generally good round the house though, helpful and considerate, muck in with chores etc? If so, and if you can manage it, I'd be tempted to cut him some slack on the contributing front since he is still very young and just starting out. I'm personally not a fan of charging DCs rent or expecting serious financial contributions from them unless a) you really can't manage without it or b) they are the type who can't seem to grow up, take the piss out of parents by expecting to waited on hand and foot and need a sharp wake-up call to realise that they're adults now and not toddlers with adults dancing attendance on their every whim. The very long-drawn-out spousal maintenance situation is difficult for you, but try not to resent DSS for that since it isn't his fault. Try to focus on what genuinely seems like a good transitioning process for all three of you as he moves into young adulthood.

NoodleKT · 10/05/2018 20:15

Ah sorry just saw that it's spousal not child maintenance!

HellenaHandbasket · 10/05/2018 20:15

Surely spousal maintenance has nothing to do with the age/income of child? Presumably he had a reasonable income for this to be agreed?
I think you need to suck it up tbh. Contact can be rearranged as suits them now without input from mother presumably?

Original poster
Candleinthewind123 · 10/05/2018 20:15

If charging him would make him feel unwanted, why is it ok for his mum to change him?

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 10/05/2018 20:17

Who are you to say when he can visit his df and to pay for the privilege? Would you treat your own dc the same?

Travis1 · 10/05/2018 20:17

Surely the crux here is what does your husband think?

crimsonlake · 10/05/2018 20:18

You are a very cold person if you resent your partners son spending 3 nights every couple of weeks and charging him. This boils down to the fact you do not want him there at all and you resent your partner still having to pay maintenance to his ex as a contribution. I wonder if you have told your partner your feelings as I am sure they wont go down well. It is up to your partner to go back to court and have the order varied, infact I find it hard to believe that this is what the actual order states.

Dancingmonkey87 · 10/05/2018 20:18

He lives with her he majority of the time

HellenaHandbasket · 10/05/2018 20:18

That's different and you know it.

MatildaTheCat · 10/05/2018 20:21

Instead of feeling aggrieved about your ss not paying, maybe focus on why on earth your dh is still paying his ex. Get legal advice on getting that changed. Perhaps they envisioned ds going into higher education ( or are there younger sil not mentioned?).

It’s nice that dss and dh want to spend time together. When he gets a girlfriend or starts going out morenwith mates he may tail off the visits but tbh you do sound as if you’d just like him to disappear now he’s turned 18.

Your step children are a life commitment, surely you understood that?

crimsonlake · 10/05/2018 20:21

Just noticed that your partner actually pays spousal maintenance, not child maintenance. How does this have any bearing on how he provides for his son, they are entirely different things?

RomeoBunny · 10/05/2018 20:21

At 18 he's legally an adult. How does a contact agreement even work at 18? He should be living in his own place if he earns a decent enough wage. And your husband should be asking him for keep for the nights he does stay. Just like his Mum does. For anyone saying otherwise, get real. If the lad is earning money then he pays he bloody way.

Tell your husband you want him to pay keep just like he has to at his Mums.

Original poster
Candleinthewind123 · 10/05/2018 20:21

DH is not a high earner, £25k, she takes his disposable income.
DSS is very childish and still behaves like a child when he's here, grumpy teenager hooked to Xbox, doesn't help, doesn't even strip his own bed for washing. I'd defy anyone to not be grumpy with a child who's not your own in this situation.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 10/05/2018 20:23

I see my parents most weeks, my brother and I will still walk in open the fridge, make a cup of tea, eat their biscuits etc, DH and I will eat there fairly regularly. PIL not so frequently because of distance but when we do go every 2-3 months it's for a few days at a time. They all feed and water us, usually try to send us home with various left overs, home made cakes etc. I saw PIL yesterday at a funeral and they told us they have half a lamb from their local farm in the freezer for us to take home when we visit in a few weeks. I'm 33, DH 34, we're married and own a house. As of the last 18 months we now have space to host in return, at Christmas the size of the hampers they brought could've almost catered boxing Day, we have good jobs and are well able to host and had catered generously, but it's what parents do. YABVU

Snowysky20009 · 10/05/2018 20:23

Me and exdp have 50/50 contact with our son. He's now 18. He varies now what he does, some weeks he'll spend 7 days with me, others two.

It depends on what shifts he's working (he works part time as about to sit his A-Levels), and if he has work to do which the programme he uses is on the pc at his dad's.

However he starts university in September. He asked a few weeks ago how much do we want him to contribute each month as he's commuting from home each day.

We are planning to ask about £250 ish but actually save it for him with some additional money added, so that he would have about 10k plus to start him off for a house deposit.

But the point is- he offered!

crimsonlake · 10/05/2018 20:23

I would be pleased that he had a good relationship with his dad actually and they enjoyed spending time together.
She does not take his disposable income she was awarded it in court and the Judge agreed it so must be fair.

Original poster
Candleinthewind123 · 10/05/2018 20:23

Why is it different for mum to charge but not dad? @Helena why is it different?

OP posts:
FASH84 · 10/05/2018 20:24

'a child who's not your own' don't get involved with a father then. It's women like you who give stepmothers a bad name

RomeoBunny · 10/05/2018 20:24

And for those saying "the cruz is what does your husband think?" NO.

You can't have it both ways that a stepchild is a life long commitment, but then that OP doesn't get a say in this. Piss off.

She has as much right to ask him for keep as his Mum does.

happypoobum · 10/05/2018 20:25

It sounds like DH should go back to court re the spousal maintenance.

However, this has fuck all to do with his DS visiting. It's YOU calling it "contact" when really at 18 it's just a young adult spending time with their parent through choice.

Do you have DC of your own OP?

If you didn't want to be a step parent then you shouldn't have married DH. I say this as an experienced stepmother.

Original poster
Candleinthewind123 · 10/05/2018 20:27

The judge actually refused it the first time as it was unfair, she refused to accept any less and said she wouldn't agree to any less is it went back again with additional legal paperwork and it was accepted.

OP posts:
stopbeingadramallama · 10/05/2018 20:28

It's not the sons fault that your husband is paying money to the ex wife. He shouldn't have to make up for it.

If you ask the son for money don't expect him to be seeing you as much. He will think that he's a hassle when he comes to see a dad and won't want to bother as much.

Dancingmonkey87 · 10/05/2018 20:29

You sound awful
Do you think think now his adult he should just stay away.

Original poster
Candleinthewind123 · 10/05/2018 20:30

His child his 18 not 4! I've been a good step mother but would now like some time with my husband. All this you shouldn't have got with a man with kids shit!! I've been with him since DSS was small with no issues. I'm entitled to enjoy life!

OP posts:
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