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Original poster

Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

325 replies

Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 18:51

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 10/05/2018 20:11

has now abandoned me about it all - little bit over dramatic there ...

Your OP says that you told her what you wanted for your hen do and that it's 'not that much'., but you want a 'a spa and fun activity weekend'. How on earth is that 'not very much'? It'll be a fucking nightmare to organise and cost a fortune.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 10/05/2018 20:12

ChickenVindaloo2
to be fair.. some venues are fully booked 2 or 3 years in advance, especially the summer months.

I got told off by the wedding dress shops for ordering my dress only 6 months in advance - it did arrive 2 weeks before the wedding!

But you can book venue and forget about it until a few months before the wedding!

SweetieBaby · 10/05/2018 20:13

You keep saying that you would be excited for her. Think about it. Maybe by the time she is planning her wedding you will have children. Can you really commit to 2 or 3 years of wedding fairs, dress shopping, hen do ideas and planning? Chances are, if you are being honest, that the answer is no. During those 2 years you will be focussed on kids being ill, choosing schools, sleepless nights, realising you and your H haven't spoken to each other for 6 months because you are just too exhausted. Now substitute kids for her degree - right now she is snowed under with managing her own life. She probably doesn't have spare brain capacity to worry about your wedding which isn't happening for another 14 months yet.

When did this MOH planning hen nights become a thing? I, and all my friends, planned and booked our own. A night out that wasn't demanding on our guests. I don't like these new ideas.

Original poster
Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 20:14

Ok I've all the discussion I want and needed now, will be unfollowing/watching this thread just so all are aware

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 10/05/2018 20:16

You've been engaged for 3 years and the wedding isn't even for more than a year? I'm not having a hard time thinking why she isn't excited.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 10/05/2018 20:17

Ok I've all the discussion I want and needed now, will be unfollowing/watching this thread just so all are aware

I am getting a better understanding of your friend's feelings right now...

seven201 · 10/05/2018 20:17

Just ask her if there's a problem. And yes I'm afraid I too think you've turned a bit bridezilla. None of my bridesmaids came dress shopping with me as they all have lives to lead. Hell I ordered their dresses online and got them to try them on and let me know if they didn't like them.

Motoko · 10/05/2018 20:18

Everyone I know that's getting married has also booked their wedding 2 years or so in advance - they have to if they want to get a specific date at their venue.

We booked our venue 5 months before the wedding, and found a photographer about 3 months before. I guess it depends on the venue, ours was a lovely small hotel in a naice market town. We had the ceremony and reception there.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 10/05/2018 20:18

It's the DFiance I feel the most sorry for. Poor bloke.

WilburIsSomePig · 10/05/2018 20:19

Ha ha OP, no you won't. You'll be watching this thread like a hawk.

Offthebandwagonagain · 10/05/2018 20:19

Your friend is acting like she is jealous

FreeMantle · 10/05/2018 20:20

I'm with everyone else on this. My weddings in 7 months. I am so over dress shopping I can't tell you. I let my bridesmaids MOH pick their own and have been bombarded by photos of them in various ASOS numbers for three months. One of them changes their mind and the whole thing goes again.
Wedding " planning" is one big consumerist racket you find out very early on.
The hen do sounds like a mission already. Even if you pay Op people still have to find childcare or organise logistics , organise time off, abandon plans made with partners etc etc.
I also agree your friend has enough going on in own life ( back in the real world). Go to the Wedding section on MN. Everyone is very nice and positive over there. Even me.

monkeychickenpig · 10/05/2018 20:21

You sound a lunatic

Motoko · 10/05/2018 20:24

Your OP says that you told her what you wanted for your hen do and that it's 'not that much'., but you want a 'a spa and fun activity weekend'. How on earth is that 'not very much'? It'll be a fucking nightmare to organise and cost a fortune.

Exactly.

Ok I've all the discussion I want and needed now, will be unfollowing/watching this thread just so all are aware

Nice. So because you haven't got the answers you wanted, you're going to flounce. Bye then.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 10/05/2018 20:24

You should give your MoH a Performance Appraisal and grade her on:

  • Attendance (dress fittings, wedding fayres)
  • Enthusiasm
  • Giggly girlishness
  • Hen Party Organisation Skills

In fact, it's all your own fault for not interviewing/auditioning more rigorously. Perhaps give her a written warning.

Viola82 · 10/05/2018 20:25

I completely disagree with majority of the comments. My MOH came with me to all of the dress fittings/shopping (as I had 2 dresses in the end), cherished every one of them, took pictures, videos ect, she was sending me loads of links to shoes, accessories ect. As my best friend she was excited for me, happy for me and supporting me every little silly step.
In the end she and her husband travelled by car, on their own expense to Italy to take loads of accessories and help us setting everything up.
Did I mention I had fab hen that was booked 9 months in advance (it was in Spain, booking flights/hotel in advance).

I would be massively disappointed if my MOH wouldn't come with me for dress shopping or organise a hen party (put effort).

Motoko · 10/05/2018 20:29

Your friend is acting like she is jealous

No, she's acting like someone who's doing a busy nursing degree and doesn't need or want to be lumbered with organising a weekend away and everything else involved with the hen do, and going on several wedding dress shopping trips and to wedding fairs.

littlestrawby · 10/05/2018 20:31

wow i'm surprised at all of these comments!! Even if these things aren't very exciting to her and despite the long engagement, as your best friend I would have thought she'd make an effort to show an interest in this. Even if it is a bit of an actual effort for her ;) I guess you would do the same for your friend? It's maybe difficult for her to maintain a high level of interest for such a long time :) Hopefully as it gets closer it will seem more real and exciting for her!

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 10/05/2018 20:31

especially her as (like I said) I don't see it as an expectation or duty

Your thread is titled "maid of honour not fulfilling expectation"?!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/05/2018 20:34

I see op has flounced. She thinks she would like to have done a degree. C LU E L E S S. Her poor friend. There’s so much time to organise dresses and hen dos it’s unreal.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 10/05/2018 20:36

Does anyone know if the honeymoon is in Maui ??

Grin
GlomOfNit · 10/05/2018 20:38

Oh. My. God. Why do some women do this? Why plan a wedding for two or three years? Confused Is it a new hobby for you, OP? Are you not all going to be bored shitless by the end of it all? And if your entire focus is just on this one day (and the days tied onto it like hen night and rehearsal and god knows what else) then what on earth will you find to talk about once it's over?

Sorry if I'm being harsh. But it's entirely reasonable that your friend isn't anywhere near as into it as you are, and she sounds busy. Why assume the same level of obsessive interest in your big day?

I was a bridesmaid for someone who did get a tad obsessive. I schlepped across half the country twice for dress fittings. I went make-up shopping with her. I have to say it was mega stressful and she was clearly not enjoying a lot of the prep either - it was very stressful for her too. Her wedding was an ... odd one and I got very pissed, mostly because of the massive build-up and utter stress of it all. Our relationship took years to recover. If your friend is valuable to you OP, please don't drag her into this madness with you! Get a sense of proportion. You're getting married to someone. That marriage will, you hope, last the rest of your lives. The wedding itself is just froth.

Sparklesocks · 10/05/2018 20:40

Viola did your MOH start to organise your hen party 14 months before your wedding though?

Notthatwomanagain · 10/05/2018 20:40

Oh dear I think I was your MOH to a friend of mine

She had talked of getting married for ages and ages then had a long engagement and the plans became more grand as time passed and she expected constant fever pitch joy from me.

In the meantime I lost my job and my father in law died and I just couldn’t sustain the excitement of dress shopping etc
I did go once and bought champagne and sat for hours whilst she tried on dress after dress but she was upset I didn’t cry when I saw her wearing ‘the one’ and that I declined to go back for a second session.

I did more than my duty on the day but in the run up I know she was disappointed I didn’t get excited when she showed me invites and table decorations and on and on and on. I also declined to take a day off work to go to a wedding fayre with her.

When she asked me to be her MOH I didn’t feel I could say well yes ok but I’m not keen on all the planning?
I know she was upset with me and I offered to step aside but she said no, mainly as I think she knew I would step up on the day and run round for 24 hours ensuring all the glitches got sorted etc.

Give her a break. If you want more from her then either tell her but let her step down or ask someone else to be a BM as well and get them involved.

seventh · 10/05/2018 20:42

and she should've been the one to fill it.

No. You are wrong imo

You want her to fill it

You expect her to fill it

If situations were reversed you'd do what you want for HER

But she isn't interested

Choose someone else and move on

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