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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a selfish idiot?

137 replies

LittleGreySheep · 10/05/2018 11:11

I haven't had a decent nights sleep for three months since giving birth. DH insists he doesn't hear the baby cry because as a woman I'm more "attuned" to it. Imo he is full of shit and selfish. So I pumped some milk, put it in the fridge and told DH I was spending the night in the guest room and he needed to look after the baby.

At 3am I'm woken up by crying. Selfish DH is indeed sleeping through his son screaming the house down. So I went next door, thumped him awake and went back to bed. 30 minutes later the crying is still getting louder and louder. I can't sleep for the noise and I'm worried so I get up. DH is walking up and down the hall in his underpants, jiggling a screaming baby and making shushing noises, while holding a bottle of breast milk in his hand. Apparently he couldn't feed the (very upset and hungry) baby until the milk reached body temperature. I told him he was an idiot to think he could warm milk with his hand and suggested putting the bottle in a mug of hot water? He said he couldn't possibly fill the kettle because he was holding the baby and trying to calm him down, and it was my fault for putting the milk in the fridge. AIBU to think you just put the baby down even if he's crying and do what you need to do! Spend five minutes warming the milk and then you can pick the baby back up and feed him to stop the crying! And obviously the milk has to go in the fridge!

I was absolutely furious that the baby had been screaming in hunger for so long, and I was up anyway so I just breastfed him.

DH said this just makes it obvious there's no point in him doing nights because I've ended up being awake anyway. Suffice to say I now feel I can't have a night off because I'm still "on duty" to step up when DH fails to wake up or feed the baby.

OP posts:
HemlockStarglimmer · 10/05/2018 11:14

YAdefinitlyNBU.

Mousefunky · 10/05/2018 11:16

YANBU. He sounds pretty stupid to me tbh.

SilverHairedCat · 10/05/2018 11:17

Nope, you make him do it more as he clearly needs the practice.

His learned helplessness will cause you massive problems in the long run.

Make him practice the task in the daytime.

SilverHairedCat · 10/05/2018 11:18

DO NOT GIVE IN!! Flowers

icklekid · 10/05/2018 11:18

Push though. Let him make the mistakes and learn from them. Next time he won't. You do need sleep. Don't let him tell you you don't.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 10/05/2018 11:20

He'll be more aware of what to do tonight.

It's a lesson for all three of you to get used to.

And I do think mums are more 'attuned' and listen out for their children. Last night I woke up with my 17year old being ill in the bathroom - did DH hear it? No.

Pringlemunchers · 10/05/2018 11:20

No the opposite, obvs he needs to do MORE nights not less to 'atune' to the child's needs. Do not let him get away with this, else you will set yourself up for later on !

CaptainCabinets · 10/05/2018 11:21

Does he work during the day?

Soubriquet · 10/05/2018 11:21

Is he usually this thick when it comes to common sense?

Even my Dh who had no experience with babies and working night shifts would use his days off to give me a a good nights sleep.

He knew how to warm a bottle up

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 10/05/2018 11:21

He'll do better tonight.

PinkHeart5914 · 10/05/2018 11:22

So this man isn’t even capable of feeeding his own child? Hmm

Tonight you do the same you say Milk is in the fridge, you warm it in hot water, I will be in the guest room and OP you really need to try to not go and see what’s going on, as he needs to learn and if you keep stepping in he never will.

I mean seriously I have breast fed 3 dc, started expresssing at about 12-15 weeks with all 3 and then me and dh had 1 night on 1 night off. My dh has never struggled to feed his own child a bottle of milk, becuase he isn’t a useless idiot

Kpo58 · 10/05/2018 11:22

Maybe as he isn't used to work waking at night his brain hadn't engaged?

I'd get him to do it again and give him a basic list of instructions, i.e:

  1. boil kettle
  2. put bottle in cup of boiling water
  3. change nappy & wash hands
  4. feed baby
RhiWrites · 10/05/2018 11:22

He’s deliberately fucking it up so he won’t have to do it. Ask him if your child has two parents or one.

Soubriquet · 10/05/2018 11:23

Yes I agree mums being more in tune.

If we were in the same room and he knew he wasn't on his own with the baby, he would actually sleep through the crying sometimes. I'm severely deaf, yet I heard them every time. I don't normally hear things with my hearing aid out.

When he had the baby on his own, he would sleep a lot lighter and would hear them every time

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 10/05/2018 11:25

You are not being unreasonable, he sounds like dick. You must be shattered, he needs to learn how to take care of his son of a night.

steppemum · 10/05/2018 11:28

DH said this just makes it obvious there's no point in him doing nights because I've ended up being awake anyway. Suffice to say I now feel I can't have a night off because I'm still "on duty" to step up when DH fails to wake up or feed the baby.

I think you need to sit down with a very serious look on your face, and say
Dh I am really concerned that you, as an intelligent and caring adult, are not managing to work out the basics of looking after your child. This is obviously a worry as we are joint parents and both need to know how to do everything. I have already worked out how to heat up a bottle and feed the baby, but it seems that you are struggling in that area. Adn you need to learn to tune in to the baby so you wake up when he cries.
So, I think you must need more practice. So I will be sleeping in the spare room every night until you get it enough to deal with baby while I sleep through, THEN I will be able to relax in the knowledge that you are capable of looking after your son, and then we can take turns doing the night feeds.

Make it sound like ti is his problem to solve!

Nanny0gg · 10/05/2018 11:29

1) boil kettle
2) put bottle in cup of boiling water
3) change nappy & wash hands
4) feed baby

You forgot test temperature first

Because clearly he's that (deliberately) stupid

TailEndCharlie · 10/05/2018 11:29

Your DH needs more practice. Much more practice, until he becomes competent. YANBU. At all. If you become completely frazzled the wheels will come off. Try getting him to do the 11pm feed every night then he gets to go to bed at midnight... you can go at 9pm and be undisturbed till babys first morning feed.... say it is bonding time for them. And DH can get better at feeding / burping / settling the baby?

Waitingonasmiley42 · 10/05/2018 11:31

With baby still little I would be wary about your milk supply reducing if you have a few nights off feeding. Unless you wake to pump I think the nighttime feeds are the most important. Obviously it's different if baby themselves has stopped night feeds.

sothisisspring · 10/05/2018 11:32

Some people are heavier sleepers.

DH sleeps heavily through the night but then wakes easier early morning, so he has always got up earlier with the DCs while I have done overnights. If he wakes up, he will help with the kids in the night, but most of the time he just doesn't.

I agree that he needs to do more to help look after the baby but if he genuinely doesn't wake up easily it may be worth you finding another way to get more sleep.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/05/2018 11:33

Bet he hears the baby, it's not his ears or the 'complexity' of night feeding that's the problem, he would just rather sleep through and leave it all to you. Broken nights are tough, no question, but he's there, why should you handle them all.

MissMooMoo · 10/05/2018 11:33

YANBU at all
My husband often slept through our ds crying at the beginning and I had to nip it in the bud.
I do remember saying once that he was doing shitty parenting when he went out and didn't change ds nappy once/plan ahead for a feed.

I know its really hard to not go in but try and let him deal with it tonight.

My ds will be 1 in a few weeks and when he wakes in the night he calls out for "daaaadyyy" Smile

Deshasafraisy · 10/05/2018 11:34

Yanbu but you could have been kinder and talked him through what he would need to do before you went to bed. You need him to feel confident so your baby feels happy to be fed by him in the middle of the night. Be gentle with him till he finds his feet. Fury is good for no one.

steppemum · 10/05/2018 11:37

Yes I agree mums being more in tune.

If we were in the same room and he knew he wasn't on his own with the baby, he would actually sleep through the crying sometimes. I'm severely deaf, yet I heard them every time. I don't normally hear things with my hearing aid out.

When he had the baby on his own, he would sleep a lot lighter and would hear them every time

sorry but you have contradicted yourself.
When he KNOWS he is 'on duty' and has to wake up, he is perfectly capable of being in tune with the baby.

The issue isn't that mum is naturally more in tune, the issue is that when you are both there, the dad knows he is not 'on duty' and so sleeps through, and mum tunes in and so wakes up.

My dh was the same. I remember a significant night when, exhausted, I said I am not getting up tonight, it is your turn. (to be fair he was pretty good at taking turns) In the morning it turned out that I had slept through the crying, and he had been up twice. I was amazed that I had slept through, but I relaised that he was tuned in to listen for them, and I was able to trust in his ability to do that, so my brain tuned out.

TomRavenscroft · 10/05/2018 11:37

It's learned helplessness. Does he work/drive/handle money/do other adult tasks in a competent manner? I'd bet he does. How convenient that he's just selectively stupid.