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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a selfish idiot?

137 replies

LittleGreySheep · 10/05/2018 11:11

I haven't had a decent nights sleep for three months since giving birth. DH insists he doesn't hear the baby cry because as a woman I'm more "attuned" to it. Imo he is full of shit and selfish. So I pumped some milk, put it in the fridge and told DH I was spending the night in the guest room and he needed to look after the baby.

At 3am I'm woken up by crying. Selfish DH is indeed sleeping through his son screaming the house down. So I went next door, thumped him awake and went back to bed. 30 minutes later the crying is still getting louder and louder. I can't sleep for the noise and I'm worried so I get up. DH is walking up and down the hall in his underpants, jiggling a screaming baby and making shushing noises, while holding a bottle of breast milk in his hand. Apparently he couldn't feed the (very upset and hungry) baby until the milk reached body temperature. I told him he was an idiot to think he could warm milk with his hand and suggested putting the bottle in a mug of hot water? He said he couldn't possibly fill the kettle because he was holding the baby and trying to calm him down, and it was my fault for putting the milk in the fridge. AIBU to think you just put the baby down even if he's crying and do what you need to do! Spend five minutes warming the milk and then you can pick the baby back up and feed him to stop the crying! And obviously the milk has to go in the fridge!

I was absolutely furious that the baby had been screaming in hunger for so long, and I was up anyway so I just breastfed him.

DH said this just makes it obvious there's no point in him doing nights because I've ended up being awake anyway. Suffice to say I now feel I can't have a night off because I'm still "on duty" to step up when DH fails to wake up or feed the baby.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 10/05/2018 11:46

@steppemum I do see your point but even on my "nights off" if I was in the same room I would wake up when he wouldn't. When he switched to day shifts we did he would sort baby out till about 2.30am and I would do the rest. If I woke up and he didn't, I had to give him a nudge but he would immediately get up and sort it

GummyGoddess · 10/05/2018 11:50

Mums are not more in tune, the parent who knows and accepts that they are on night wake up duty is more in tune. Your DH didn't accept that he was on duty and was clearly resentful of it. He needs more practice and to stop being so selfish. My DH has been on voluntary night duty for months due to pregnancy and I haven't stirred at all, though DC usually sleeps through now he always wakes to attend to him if needed.

It's Friday tomorrow, he can be on duty tomorrow and Saturday night. Now that he is aware of how to undertake the difficult task of warming a bottle of milk he's all set.

NordicNobody · 10/05/2018 11:51

I agree with everyone else, he will only learn by doing. Push through, grit your teeth, let him figure it out. I had the same thing with my partner in the start and it was the best decision I ever made, now he's such a confident hands on dad. Keep going, you're doing the right thing!

FloraFox · 10/05/2018 11:52

This is just strategic incompetence.

FloraFox · 10/05/2018 11:54

I didn't mean to diminish this by saying "just", YADNBU and he's also a bastard for making his baby suffer to prove his point.

applesisapple5 · 10/05/2018 11:54

JFC, do NOT give in.

The only part he can't do is produce milk from his own body, YANBU!!!

He can do a dry run by himself - don't help, just answer any questions he has - and FFS he can use Google can't he?!

RedSkyAtNight · 10/05/2018 11:57

I think there is some slight unfairness here, because presumably if baby is breast fed, then DH is not doing what OP does every night and baby may well be getting annoyed at the lack of mum's boobs. Is the baby used to taking a bottle? My DD absolutely refused do and no amount of coaxing/starvation would persuade her otherwise.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/05/2018 11:59

YANBU. Stick to your guns.

As you are breastfeeding- you need your rest and to de-stress to keep your supply going. Unless he plans on lactating any time soon.

SlowlyShrinking · 10/05/2018 12:00

He’s doing it on purpose so you don’t ask him again. What a manipulative twat.

Osopolar · 10/05/2018 12:00

YANBU. DH was not as experienced as me at taking care of DS while I was on maternity leave as obviously I did the most care. However every Friday night he was in charge while I slept in the spare room. He just learnt how to do it just as I learnt, I wasn't born knowing how to care for a baby!

Trinity66 · 10/05/2018 12:01

He's either a total moron or he's purposely done that so that you wouldn't bother asking him anymore. Both are pretty bad.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 10/05/2018 12:01

my husband would genuinely sleep through the city being bombed.
I wake up if a bird chirrups.

To give me some rest when I had a newborn I had to go and stay in a B&B for the odd night every so often.

(My baby was in no danger my husband would wake up at full crying its just that by the time hed woken I would always be wide awake anyway so I would not get any rest even if he was looking after the baby... had to actually be out of the house)

Storm4star · 10/05/2018 12:01

DH said this just makes it obvious there's no point in him doing nights because I've ended up being awake anyway

Is he stupid? Or is he actually trying to be clever to ensure he doesn’t have to do it again? It’s a running joke among some of my guy friends that if a woman asks you to do something, do it badly and she won’t ask again. Obviously I don’t think they’re funny when they say that!

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 12:03

you thumped him awake? Hmm like actually thumped him to wake him up?

43percentburnt · 10/05/2018 12:03

Of course he hears it! He chooses to ignore it. An acquaintance of mine freely admits to everyone, except his wife, that he lies there pretending to be asleep when his children wake up. He moans about how little sleep he gets! Yet leaves the getting out of bed and settling the children to his wife.

Would it be easier to split the night. He deals with baby until 2am you from 2am? Or vice versa depending on who’s best at night/in the morning.

If it’s a selfish person issue then the above won’t help.

Original poster
LittleGreySheep · 10/05/2018 12:03

He has warmed expressed milk during the day before (on the one occasion I went out for a few hours and he and his mum looked after DS). It isn't that he didn't know how to warm it - apparently he couldn't boil the kettle while holding the baby and there was nobody else there to hold him. The other week he refused to give him a bath because he's never done it and was scared to drop him or do it wrong. Then he was unable to empty the bath because he was holding the baby? He is a competent adult in a managerial job so this shouldn't be so hard for him to figure out.

I am worried about reducing my milk supply if I have too many nights off. But one night every 2-3 weeks shouldn't make a huge difference?

OP posts:
NoodleKT · 10/05/2018 12:04

YANBU
I have a 6 month old and DP has only just started to help at night so I feel your irritation!
If you've expressed so he can feed the baby then he should be able to get up and do it himself. He needs to stop being a dick and take some responsibility!

ReanimatedSGB · 10/05/2018 12:05

A lot of men will fuck up a domestic task on purpose so that their female partners don't ask them to do it again. But a man who will let a hungry baby scream and cry for over half an hour just to prove to his wife that she is the servant and must know her place - that's an extra level of selfish prickery.

What does he contribute to the household? If (and I think this is fairly unlikely) he generally changes nappies, does his share of washing up/laundry/running the hoover round, or cooking then it might be possible to put this one incident down to being a generally heavy sleeper who is stupid when woken unexpectedly, but it's a lot more likely to be sexism and laziness at work.

Original poster
LittleGreySheep · 10/05/2018 12:08

Yes the baby is used to having a bottle because he wasn't gaining weight and I was advised to express once per day to give him extra milk without him having to expend effort to get it.

OP posts:
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/05/2018 12:09

IME (cant speak for everyone) I wouldnt be panicking about your supply if you have been EBF for three months. I would think that it would be better for you to have a full night's sleep knowing that your baby is being looked after.

This is going to sound horrendously sexist, but some men do get freaked out that they just wont do it as well as you will, or you can.

The only answer is to bloody try it! If he's capable of warming a bottle in the day, he can do it at night.

Ticketsfrom · 10/05/2018 12:11

Here's what my DP did - when I was still breast feeding: At least one a night, often 2 heard baby rouse, got up lifted baby, did nappy if needed, brought baby to me and i fed lying down. Quite often out baby back in crib if I feel asleep. Got up went to work.
When we added bottle - did at least one feed, stayed up till 11.30pm/midnight and did that feed while I went to bed at night then I did the 3/4am feed. OR I did late feed and DP got up in the early hours with baby.
That way we were both semi functioning rather than me being wrecked the whole time. If DP had a big client meeting or something then deffo didn't do the middle of the night.
No reason your DH can't help out. You must be shattered poor thing... even when I just BF and Dp did the nappy/brought baby over then went to sleep it gave me a sense of solidarity...

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/05/2018 12:11

Oh- and if he mentions the 'not being able to do it with one hand' thing... just raise your eyebrow. I'm sure he has managed tasks with one hand before.

(hoping to make you laugh- you sound like you're having a rough time!)

GummyGoddess · 10/05/2018 12:12

Put the bouncer/pram/baby container in the kitchen, he can then briefly drop DC into it, start the milk warming, pick DC up until it's warmed, drop DC back in to sort milk, pick DC up and feed. It isn't difficult, it's so simple that he really does sound like he's doing this deliberately.

Original poster
LittleGreySheep · 10/05/2018 12:12

What does he contribute to the household?
Money. He works and I don't at present. He hasn't done any laundry in the decade we've lived together -I've only been SAHM for three months but he has always worked long hours and I finished at 5pm so picked up more of the chores. The one time he did laundry he wrecked the clothes. He never cooks, he does wash up and hoover but only at weekends.

OP posts:
Ticketsfrom · 10/05/2018 12:13

I'd get your DH practising to bloody TUNE IN! the parent in our house that tuned in was the one who was aware that they were going to be the one waking up to take care of the baby...

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