Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a selfish idiot?

137 replies

LittleGreySheep · 10/05/2018 11:11

I haven't had a decent nights sleep for three months since giving birth. DH insists he doesn't hear the baby cry because as a woman I'm more "attuned" to it. Imo he is full of shit and selfish. So I pumped some milk, put it in the fridge and told DH I was spending the night in the guest room and he needed to look after the baby.

At 3am I'm woken up by crying. Selfish DH is indeed sleeping through his son screaming the house down. So I went next door, thumped him awake and went back to bed. 30 minutes later the crying is still getting louder and louder. I can't sleep for the noise and I'm worried so I get up. DH is walking up and down the hall in his underpants, jiggling a screaming baby and making shushing noises, while holding a bottle of breast milk in his hand. Apparently he couldn't feed the (very upset and hungry) baby until the milk reached body temperature. I told him he was an idiot to think he could warm milk with his hand and suggested putting the bottle in a mug of hot water? He said he couldn't possibly fill the kettle because he was holding the baby and trying to calm him down, and it was my fault for putting the milk in the fridge. AIBU to think you just put the baby down even if he's crying and do what you need to do! Spend five minutes warming the milk and then you can pick the baby back up and feed him to stop the crying! And obviously the milk has to go in the fridge!

I was absolutely furious that the baby had been screaming in hunger for so long, and I was up anyway so I just breastfed him.

DH said this just makes it obvious there's no point in him doing nights because I've ended up being awake anyway. Suffice to say I now feel I can't have a night off because I'm still "on duty" to step up when DH fails to wake up or feed the baby.

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 10/05/2018 13:50

The OP asked him to take a turn and do ONE night feed, after 3 months of broken sleep!! This really shouldn't be a hardship, despite his 'oh so busy managerial job!'

Whereas night after night ofno sleep has no doubt left the OP at breaking point and struggling to function.

ConferenceBores · 10/05/2018 13:51

i don't think it's unreasonable to have a working DP do 1-2 nights per week with a very small baby.

Op, he sounds under-confident (as well as not very interested). Rehearse what will happen next time, give him a trial run of a bottle feed in the day and then go again.

You need to keep going otherwise you'll end up resenting the crap out of a DH that can't look after his DC.

Do you have a bouncy chair or a swing? That's where the baby goes when you need to handle hot things...

RideOn · 10/05/2018 13:54

Yes he might be tired at work. LittleGreySheep hasn't had a decent night's sleep in 3 months. What if she makes a mistake at home? She isn't asking him to do every night.

RaquelWelch · 10/05/2018 13:56

My OH moved in to the spare room the day the new baby came home and stayed there for 6 months. His thinking was that as I was breastfeeding, what was the point of us both being kept awake! I know, I know

Ubercornsdiscoball · 10/05/2018 13:57

So do the sharing at the weekend! I’m not saying he gets away with everything, but the parent that goes out to work should worry about that in the week. Obviously people feel differently 🤷‍♀️

BrendasUmbrella · 10/05/2018 14:00

She PUNCHED HER HUSBAND.

If a man did this, there would be UPROAR.

I was searching for an 'instant outrage boner' poster and I was worried I'd be disappointed. But there you are.

Everyone please try to remember to use very literal language, no slang, no nuance, no metaphor or similes. Just very simple and literal descriptions that don't make room for the disingenuous interpretation, and together we can work on reducing unnecessary rage embolisms in internet posters.

balsamicbarbara · 10/05/2018 14:02

Some people sleep very deeply and are downright dangerous if they try to do things in the middle of the night, so take care. But.. he does sound pretty simple if he's not even trying to make an effort at any point and can't figure out how to best handle a screaming baby. So YANBU to be upset and annoyed at him, though you may need to accept he will not be a particularly good caregiver.

Crunchymum · 10/05/2018 14:09

My DP does the 10pm and 1am feed for our tube fed baby every night. He then sleeps 1.30am - 7am uninterrupted. He works 6 days a week manual job and will have an hour in the evening if he needs to.

OP, yes your husband is selfish.

Katinkka · 10/05/2018 17:52

Do him a story board like how I used to do for my autistic son...

HipsterAssassin · 10/05/2018 18:38

My only advice here is to:

  1. book into a B&B for the night

  2. ensure you have belt-and-braces contraception sorted out

My exH was like this and sadly I had two kids with him. It was the nail in the coffin for my MH and also for our marriage.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 10/05/2018 18:53

I sleep through our second child waking and crying at night. She was in hospital for a long time and I got used to machines beeping so at first didn’t recognise her cry because she couldn’t actually make any noise. As time went on (my mental health was bad) my partner became more sensitive and wakes at the slightest sound whereas I can sleep through her crying and him changing the nappy. If it’s me on my own I do wake, just not as quick as he does. Some people just sleep through and if he isn’t used to doing nights or even feeding the baby then I don’t see how abuse will help him learn. Also, don’t “thump” him awake, that’s just fucking rude. Definitely more practice though and maybe some tips that you have learned.

ittakes2 · 10/05/2018 18:56

Yes he needs to do his fair share - but I think you are being unreasonable assuming he would know how to warm a bottle. It may seem obvious to some - but never having looked after a baby before I needed lots of advice on what to do.

applesandpears56 · 10/05/2018 19:00

Yanbu
My oh is like this - goes into seierate bedroom, shuts the door, doesn’t have a monitor, switches his phone off.....
he’s about to be my ex oh....

QuackPorridgeBacon · 10/05/2018 19:04

Confusedbeetle I agree. Some posters on here are nasty. Do you know the man in question? Do you have proof he is faking everything? And to say he is a cunt etc for letting the baby cry because he was asleep, surely that makes the op in the wrong then too, seeing as she was awake and heard the baby crying for a lot longer?

RedPandaMama · 10/05/2018 19:06

I honestly don't think I'll breastfeed my next child due to how DP acted in the early days. I look at it with rose tinted glasses now and forget how hard it was (she's 9mo now, sleeps through the night and we combined feed so it's much easier), but between DD's birth and 4 months my DP was completely shit overnight and in the mornings. I was awake every 2 hours BFing her, winding her, getting get back to sleep, DP claimed he never heard a thing. He never offered to get up in the morning with her, still doesn't until I prod him and tell him it's his turn. DD had a 3 month phase of only sleeping in our bed, DP never made room or was the one to cuddle her to sleep, I always had to be the one in an uncomfortable position with the baby sprawled drooling on my chest. Although I miss that now she's in her own room! Newborn cuddles are the best.

Now he's great and always happy to take her out for walks, cuddle and play with her, change her nappy etc. I just think he wasn't keen on the newborn stage and it was SO exhausting for me. It really changed our relationship from my perspective.

My advice is don't let him become complacent and get away with it. Tell him he's being fucking lazy, parenting is 50/50 and he has to get on with it including all the hard bits.

CowbellPopular · 10/05/2018 19:28

You sound abusive.

sahknowme · 10/05/2018 19:37

When my DH was working fulltime, and I was on maternity leave, he would sleep through the baby waking, and I would do the night-time stuff. Now DH has been taking a break from work, he's doing the nights, and I sleep through. I think you can become attuned - just keep kicking him when you wake up to the baby crying, and he'll get used to it.

ConferenceBores · 10/05/2018 20:14

Yes I think when something is not your responsibility, it’s easy to ignore the noise. Other people’s babies crying I hardly hear as I know it’s not my concern.

GummyGoddess · 10/05/2018 20:42

@ittakes2 She said that he warms a bottle normally during the day, he has no excuse.

Original poster
LittleGreySheep · 10/05/2018 20:48

I did not punch my husband. I never said I did either. What happened was that I was woken up on what was supposed to be my night off by the baby screaming so loudly that I could hear him in the next room, yet apparently DH (who was sleeping right next to him and was supposed to be on duty) couldn't hear him. I lay in bed and got more and more annoyed that DH wasn't holding up his end of the deal, and after a bit I realised DH wasn't going to sort it out so I got up, went next door, shouted OI !! angrily at DH and gave him a shove to wake him up. Some people just like to make up things to be offended at Hmm

Also I didn't leave a three month old baby crying for half an hour either. He was downstairs being looked after by his father and I was in bed dozing and supposedly having a night off. I hardly think that overhearing the baby cry while he's with his father is "leaving him to cry". I can't jump in and take him off his father every time he cries. But when the crying didn't stop I eventually woke up fully and became worried enough about what the hell DH was doing that I got up and went downstairs.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleGreySheep · 10/05/2018 20:53

Also I don't think DH let the baby cry on purpose. He isn't that bad. He's just absolutely useless.

OP posts:
Sibsmum · 10/05/2018 22:29

Practise makes prefect. Have a Spa day soon so he gets a full day of practise and you get a pamperGrin

QuackPorridgeBacon · 11/05/2018 00:09

LittleGreySheep Ok, so you were rude even if you didn’t physically punch him, like you said you did... shouting oi isn’t really proper communication, no wonder you haven’t figured things out yet. Part of breastfeeding is getting up in the night to feed. It’s easier in some ways. Maybe actually encourage your husband to feed the baby during the day and let him get more confident. When my first ended up on formula my partner was very nervous to begin with but with encouragement and support he got confident and then did a bottle or two everyday. Talk to him instead of being rude, it might help.

applesandpears56 · 11/05/2018 00:14

Little grey - you don’t have to explain yourself. Most normal people know what you meant!

Motoko · 11/05/2018 10:13

My husband is a deep sleeper, plus he's fairly deaf in one ear, so I often have to shout "Oi" to wake him up, because even shaking him doesn't always work. It's not necessarily a sign of a lack of respect or communication, if you shout to wake them.