To think DH is a selfish idiot?

[LittleGreySheep]

I haven't had a decent nights sleep for three months since giving birth. DH insists he doesn't hear the baby cry because as a woman I'm more "attuned" to it. Imo he is full of shit and selfish. So I pumped some milk, put it in the fridge and told DH I was spending the night in the guest room and he needed to look after the baby.

At 3am I'm woken up by crying. Selfish DH is indeed sleeping through his son screaming the house down. So I went next door, thumped him awake and went back to bed. 30 minutes later the crying is still getting louder and louder. I can't sleep for the noise and I'm worried so I get up. DH is walking up and down the hall in his underpants, jiggling a screaming baby and making shushing noises, while holding a bottle of breast milk in his hand. Apparently he couldn't feed the (very upset and hungry) baby until the milk reached body temperature. I told him he was an idiot to think he could warm milk with his hand and suggested putting the bottle in a mug of hot water? He said he couldn't possibly fill the kettle because he was holding the baby and trying to calm him down, and it was my fault for putting the milk in the fridge. AIBU to think you just put the baby down even if he's crying and do what you need to do! Spend five minutes warming the milk and then you can pick the baby back up and feed him to stop the crying! And obviously the milk has to go in the fridge!

I was absolutely furious that the baby had been screaming in hunger for so long, and I was up anyway so I just breastfed him.

DH said this just makes it obvious there's no point in him doing nights because I've ended up being awake anyway. Suffice to say I now feel I can't have a night off because I'm still "on duty" to step up when DH fails to wake up or feed the baby.

Yep. I'm nearly a year in, have done every single night feed/wake/settle/change

Don't be like me. Don't give in!

Your husband is clearly a dick but did you really let a three month old cry for half an hour?

Write your husband an idiots guide to looking after his baby then he has no excuse.

YANBU! Seems to me that DH is doing the same thing that my ex used to do in regards to the house work i.e. pretends he is crap so that you will just do it because its easier than having an argument just to end up doing it yourself anyways! Hang in there! And if it continues i would bring it up in company 'oh isn't it silly that DH can't even warm a bottle, Sarah? Our baby is how old? and DH still hasn't figured out how to boil a kettle one handed!' followed by a condescending chuckle! Public shaming and questioning his manhood will soon set him straight!

I am not usually so passive aggressive but clearly a 3am confrontation isn't working.

He is being a witness twat to get out of parenting. Don’t let him get away with it! Write him a list/ flow chart of how to get up and feed a baby( if I did this the levels of sarcasm would’ve off the register).

Get some earplugs and get some sleep. Hope your ( adult) baby improves.

oh the old "I'll do it crap so she doesn't ask me again" trick

oldest one in the book

what.a.dick

DH said this just makes it obvious there's no point in him doing nights because I've ended up being awake anyway. Suffice to say I now feel I can't have a night off because I'm still "on duty" to step up when DH fails to wake up or feed the baby

You ended up awake because he deliberately didn’t cope to wake you up.

DP is deaf in one ear (and sleeps on his good ear). On nights where I was blatantly exhausted he always heard the babies. On nights where I asked him to take over because I was exhausted, he did. On the nights he woke up and offered and I was ok I told him to go back to sleep.

If you let this shit stand now, it will only get worse. He’s a parent, he needs to learn to do it.

yep - strategic incompetence. Don't give in to it.
He is a competent adult and he should be able to work out how to feed and change a baby singlehandedly - must be possible, you do it! without your mum there, even... and before you had a baby you didn't know how either.

Don’t give in. If you were bottle feeding would you have to wake him to warm the bottle twice a night? Say he can sleep tonight and tomorrow night try again. Say you will have to go to a hotel if needed.

He is indeed selfish but not stupid as he's clearly managed to engineer his life so that he has a servant to look after him.

If he's been like this for 10 years then it's going to be very hard to change him but he needs telling and to be showed what an absolute dick he is being. i'd be stopping looking after him like he's an additional child as the first step.

Even when i was on Mat leave my DH still did his own washing and continued to do his fair share of household and parenting responsibilities.

Do not let him get his own way. This is the shit my dh pulls.

There are two issues here and only one is the taking turns thing. It is actually a relatively new social phenomenon that fathers have to take their share of the childcare and I do applaud the change. In fact, the harsh reality is that men do often find this hard, and women do wake better to a newborn. If he works he cannot catch up or rest in the day so the equal load does not always work out. I am not much interested in that argument so each family to their own. what I am interested in is the welfare of the baby.
The second issue, which is far more important, is that the night breastfeed for a young baby is often the most important as the baby is more likely to get a good feed including the richer hindmilk. Expressed milk is likely to be predominantly foremilk and not as satisfying.
Yes, you will be tired, but in fact, when you wake for the night feed every night, you do get into a rhythm and cope better. Also, it does not last forever. This baby is worth it. Think of this brief period as being for your baby.
MN often seems to be a bit of man-bashing, and "I wouldn't stand for that", stuff.
Step back and see the bigger picture. Some men take to baby care more easily. And yes, before I get screamed at, some women also find it hard. The fact is none of that is the baby's fault. However, you work this out the baby must come before either you or the father. If you want to encourage your partner, for goodness sake, help him to learn by helping with the care in the day until he becomes capable and confident. You are heading for relationship trouble if you follow some of the advice on here. That on top of tiredness? Not a great idea. This is not a contest,

I am in the same boat where my dh is conveniently deaf in his sleep and never ever woke up with our dd. I thought that as I was off on maternity and breast feeding I should do it until I had a full on break down as I could not function on 2 hours sleep a night. 11 months later and I am back in work full time so as she is still not sleeping through he gets a swift kick every now and again to get up. You are not super woman you need sleep even if he does work, being at home all day with the baby is also work. Hang in there

Selfish prick! My ex was like this with my DC when they were babies (stupidly, I had two with him!) It's beyond belief that men who manage to go to work and do a job that involves managing people/ budgets/ systems, don't know what to do with a crying baby.

Or rather, they act like they don't know what to do to get out of doing it.

Although what I am going to write is pathetic, if you are struggling and need his/someones help I'd have a serious sit down conversation, that you are worried that if something was to happen to you (like appendicitis for example) last night proves he currently would be unable to manage to look after his own child. This is alarming you, as your child is 3 months old.

Ask if you can talk through situations and find solutions. This will hopefully highlight to him what a complete moron he is. eg Would a baby monitor right beside his head help him wake up? What other strategies could he use to make sure he wakes up? Going to bed early? Practicing waking him at night might help, then if he was to do a nappy change and settle baby when you woke to do a feed - maybe this would help him gain skills? Maybe he needs to take the baby more in the day. Explain you are worried about him bonding, he is clearly completely missing the babies cues. Being kind to you unfortunately hasn't been a motivation for him to step up so far. In answer to your question yes he is a selfish idiot.

Then say you need to allow him to practice more nights until he feels confident. He really is missing out and you would be relieved if he was able to look after his own child. Then ignore the little stuff and praise any active effort to help.

Are you his mum or his wife? Because you sound more like his mum.

Lifebeginsatgin

I think so too. I'm the one lying awake at night, can't settle until 18 year old DD has come home, while he's bloody snoring away!

What an arse he is.

Sorry OP, it sucks to have to be ‘on call’ because your husband is a selfish idiot

This sounds like the old trick of deliberately cocking up in order to relieve yourself of responsibility.

You need to fight this one out, or you'll end up doing everything.

He's a selfish idiot who is purposefully self-sabotaging any efforts at help so that you step in. If you don't deal with this now, it's going to be a grim life, and your DC is going to grow up thinking it's normal.

Go out for a whole day, leaving him with the baby, or spend a night in a hotel. Let him learn to cope.

He's not just selfish, he's a fucking cunt for deliberately leaving your baby to scream blue murder and hungry to try and proove his point that it's better (for him) for you to get up. Honestly I think I would have thrown his arse into the garden to sleep for the rest of the night if he were my DH

I nnow its not that simply.i no its how some things are but am I the only one thinking.why aren't you sitting him down and talking to him bout it.when you are in love with someone and in a relationship.isnt the key to yell at them sit down or sort it out together.they are being a prick....go tell them it argue the hell out of it if you want but tell him.
or the ideal cushy cushy way...say "I need help can we talk" and your talking it through to finding a solution.
why is this happening.so often I hear bout it on here.and the couple just don't talk.

Does he “accidentally” smash your best plates while washing up too?

Babies can have milk straight out of the fridge, mine do - they got used to it early on, thank god.

He needs to step up and stop feigning incompetence.

So he works in a managerial role and then he’s meant to get up overnight with the baby, too? What if he’s too tired to function at work the next day, ends up doing something that causes him to lose his job and then you have zero income?

Fair enough he can do night feeds at weekends (with coaching on how to actually do this!) but expecting him to do it during the week and then get up for a full day’s work is unreasonable imo.

Also I think YWBU to just leave him to it without instructions, and also to just lay awake and leave your baby to scream for half an hour without going to see what the problem was. Half an hour earlier, you would’ve been able to tell him how to warm the bottle and baby would’ve been fed and you all could’ve gone back to sleep.

Also thumping him awake! if he’d come into the guest room and thumped you, you’d be on here telling us all that he’d assaulted you.

I wouldn’t expect my husband to have the baby overnight before work the next day while I was on maternity with my first. When we had 2 he knew he needed to get up if the toddler stirred and I was feeding but that was very rare. Weekends were much more shared.

Maybe one of you could have a flask of hot water prepared so that the bottle could be warmed in that? I also used to put the bottle
Of ebm in a small cool bag with an ice pack so it was already upstairs when needed.

Every little helps if it is a bottle feed overnight!

Yes, it’s totally fine for the woman to destroy herself to the point of complete exhaustion and mental breakdown - she only has an infant to look after during the day, not like she needs to have her wits about her for that... 🙄

Christ on a bike. No wonder so many men get away with doing bugger all overnight.

We have twins and I was pumping so my husband had to help during the night from the outset or I would have literally never been able to sleep at all. Yes, he’s been bloody knackered at times - that’s what happens when you have a baby. Yes, he has to struggle through at work sometimes - ditto.