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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a selfish idiot?

137 replies

LittleGreySheep · 10/05/2018 11:11

I haven't had a decent nights sleep for three months since giving birth. DH insists he doesn't hear the baby cry because as a woman I'm more "attuned" to it. Imo he is full of shit and selfish. So I pumped some milk, put it in the fridge and told DH I was spending the night in the guest room and he needed to look after the baby.

At 3am I'm woken up by crying. Selfish DH is indeed sleeping through his son screaming the house down. So I went next door, thumped him awake and went back to bed. 30 minutes later the crying is still getting louder and louder. I can't sleep for the noise and I'm worried so I get up. DH is walking up and down the hall in his underpants, jiggling a screaming baby and making shushing noises, while holding a bottle of breast milk in his hand. Apparently he couldn't feed the (very upset and hungry) baby until the milk reached body temperature. I told him he was an idiot to think he could warm milk with his hand and suggested putting the bottle in a mug of hot water? He said he couldn't possibly fill the kettle because he was holding the baby and trying to calm him down, and it was my fault for putting the milk in the fridge. AIBU to think you just put the baby down even if he's crying and do what you need to do! Spend five minutes warming the milk and then you can pick the baby back up and feed him to stop the crying! And obviously the milk has to go in the fridge!

I was absolutely furious that the baby had been screaming in hunger for so long, and I was up anyway so I just breastfed him.

DH said this just makes it obvious there's no point in him doing nights because I've ended up being awake anyway. Suffice to say I now feel I can't have a night off because I'm still "on duty" to step up when DH fails to wake up or feed the baby.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 10/05/2018 12:13

This is going to sound horrendously sexist, but some men do get freaked out that they just wont do it as well as you will, or you can.

tbf most women who have not had kids yet or been around babies feel the same way, then you have a child and you have to just do it. I know when I had my first child I was nervous that I was going to break her or do something wrong as well, it's not down to sex at all imo

mindutopia · 10/05/2018 12:13

Yes, more practice and he’ll figure out how to do it just like every parent has to with a new baby.

My first was bf and then ff and no matter how I fed her, my dh was up and helping with every night feed until she was 9 months and dropped them (while working ft plus starting a business in his evenings and weekends, so working 50-60 hours a week). Our ds is 11 weeks and he does all the night wakings with our older one (while I do everything with ds, he’s ebf and doesn’t take a bottle anyway). But even still my dh wakes when he hears ds cry during the night from the guest room (sleeps there so dd can come into him in the morning and not wake us up if we’ve had a tiring night). So that’s rubbish that men can’t hear babies crying because they aren’t ‘attuned’ to it. They can attune themselves if they want to!

sprinklesandsauce · 10/05/2018 12:16

This reminds me of people in offices who make crap coffee, in the hope that they won't get asked again Grin

Make a clear list of instructions as suggested. Delegate certain nights to your H, even if you have to wake him up, you can go back to sleep, or if baby has any sort of pattern, he could even set his alarm.

I did most of the night feeds when DC were little, as XH had a job where he couldn't be tired, but he then did Friday/Saturday nights, although there was one occasion where he didn't wake up.

Ticketsfrom · 10/05/2018 12:17

Sorry, but the laundry thing? I'd be on laundry strike - you and the baby will have more than enough between you for a full load. My DP is not as good with laundry as other things but I find ignoring DPs washing from time to time encourages her to get a load on, and yes she does everyone's not just her own...

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 12:17

Imagine a man made a post about going into his sleeping wife and thumping him awake

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 12:17

Thumping her awake*

Motoko · 10/05/2018 12:17

Well, you could get a bottle warmer, or get one of those water dispenser kettles and make sure it's filled before bed. Or even just make sure your normal kettle is filled, so all he has to do is switch it on, then use one hand to pour it.

It's not rocket science, so I suspect he's being strategically incompetent, so don't let him give up.

Show him what to do, during the day. You shouldn't have to, but he can't plead ignorance if you show him. I don't understand the thing about the bath. Why did he need to empty it whilst holding the baby? It gets emptied once the baby is settled safely in it's cot.

NameChangeCuzImAHorriblePerson · 10/05/2018 12:19

What a selfish dick.

NoodleKT · 10/05/2018 12:19

@FranticallyPeaceful

Seriously, that's what you're focusing on?!
Give over. Maybe he's a heavy sleeper,I doubt she means the assault you clearly think she does.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 10/05/2018 12:20

YABU. He is definitely a selfish idiot, and thinks that the baby should be your problem, not his. You need to have a serious conversation about the number of parents the child has.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 10/05/2018 12:20

I can't see how "sleeping through" is selfish frankly, if he didn't hear the baby, what exactly do you expect him to? I slept through my own babies crying, it's DH who got up to get up. Some people are heavy sleepers, others are just exhausted. It's not a men vs women thing, and having a DH who wakes up doesn't mean the whole world will wake up too.

It's not doing any good to be furious at something he can't control, it's not like he ignored the baby on purpose.

Can a man, or a woman, be completely at loss or panicked with a young baby? Of course, they just need to spend more time. of course it's natural to be worried when giving a bath for the first time, why do you think decent hospital take time to show the new mums how to do it to reassure them?

Your DH needs to do more to get used to his child, you need to be more understanding and reasonable. Be very careful not to fall in the trap of criticising everything he does ,because you don't agree if it's not your way, that will put him off doing anything, and rightly so. You must accept that your DH will parent/ feed/ bath your child differently, your way is not the only way.

It doesn't mean you can't tell him that holding a baby doesn't stop anyone putting hot water from the tab in a pot to plonk the baby bottle in it.. or as you said, put baby down for 10 seconds!

Dreamingofkfc · 10/05/2018 12:21

Is your husband working? I wouldn't expect my husband to wake during the night when Im on maternity leave. When Ive gone back to work though, we spilt it.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/05/2018 12:22

Trinity66 genuinely asked my friend whilst I was pregnant with my first whether I should get some sort of baby helmet in case I dropped DD whilst holding her. Blush

NoodleKT · 10/05/2018 12:23

@Dreamingofkfc

But it's not always that simple.
Whether he's working or not is irrelevant since she is 'working' looking after the baby all day. One night a week or so isn't much to ask for.

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 12:24

@NoodleKT

I’m genuinely shocked that she has physically abused her husband, and all everybody cares about is the fact she wants a break from her baby.

She PUNCHED HER HUSBAND.

If a man did this, there would be UPROAR.

OP, if you physically abuse your husband then honestly be grateful he hasn’t reported you and left you all together. Because I certainly would.

Dreamingofkfc · 10/05/2018 12:26

Well that's how we have always worked it. We share responsibility at weekends but in the week when husband has to get up for work I would be responsible for nights. Sorry, but think that's fair

Motoko · 10/05/2018 12:26

Oh yes, I meant to say, he doesn't even need to use the kettle, hot water from the tap will be fine too.

I think it's time he did his own laundry. If it's only his clothes he needs to wash, he won't fuck it up.

NoodleKT · 10/05/2018 12:26

@FranticallyPeaceful

I'm just saying maybe when she says she 'thumped' him awake she just means what others would call a shove or whatever. If he really is a heavy sleeper it's likely to be difficult to get him to wake up!
I very much doubt she went in there and punched him!

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 10/05/2018 12:27

Whether he's working or not is irrelevant since she is 'working' looking after the baby all day.

that's bollocks, and people need to stop coming up with that crap. Ask any working mum if it's the same to be up half the night then at work all day, or being up all night but at home the following day.

If you think looking after the baby is "work", why do you want a parent who has already been in the office all day to do even more work at home? Don't they need a break? Not every job allows you to mumsnet all day doze at your desk safely.

Trinity66 · 10/05/2018 12:28

Trinity66 genuinely asked my friend whilst I was pregnant with my first whether I should get some sort of baby helmet in case I dropped DD whilst holding her.

Grin that's hilarious

GummyGoddess · 10/05/2018 12:29

@Dreamingofkfc Even on weekends when he doesn't have to work the next day? That's a bit selfish if he doesn't let you have just one night a week of unbroken sleep. I always did the weekday nights as DH needed to be awake and focused for work, but he knew how exhausting babies were and was fine doing as much as possible on weekend nights so I could sleep a tiny bit more.

NoodleKT · 10/05/2018 12:30

@ikeepaforkinmypurse

It's not bollocks. It's hard work when you've been woken up every hour during the night. Whether you are then going to an office job or having to take care of a baby.
One doesn't trump the other. And expecting help once a week isn't asking the world. It's one night.

GummyGoddess · 10/05/2018 12:30

@Dreamingofkfc Ah, I see you responded while I was typing Grin

Dreamingofkfc · 10/05/2018 12:32

@gummygoddess not at weekends, we'd split the work, however with breastfeeding not alot he could do.

Cacofonix · 10/05/2018 12:38

He hasn't done any laundry in the decade we've lived together -I've only been SAHM for three months but he has always worked long hours and I finished at 5pm so picked up more of the chores. The one time he did laundry he wrecked the clothes. He never cooks, he does wash up and hoover but only at weekends.

And yet you went on to have a child with him? I am not sure why you've only realised he is a selfish idiot now. FWIW he is being an arse and you have to stop enabling it. Otherwise your resentment of him will have a detrimental affect on your relationship.