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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really seriously missed off with male nursery worker

110 replies

insancerre · 10/05/2018 07:40

New male colleague refused to change a child's knickers as she is a girl and he is a male

After all these years of sticking up for men in early years and defending them against parents and their prejudices, it feels like I've stepped back in time

I was cooking ounces and had to stop what I was doing and do it because I'm a woman.
Environmental health would have a field day if they saw that

And I'm bloody annoyed with the manager who let him get away with it
AIBU to be pissed off?

Before any one asks, yes he has a DBS and safeguarding training and our nursery is open plan so he would have been in view of other staff members

OP posts:
Original poster
insancerre · 10/05/2018 07:40

So pissed off I can't spell

OP posts:
rollingonariver · 10/05/2018 07:43

Tbh I bet he's worried what the girls parents would say! I've seen a lot on here about parents being pissed of at male nursery staff for doing anything.

Ohmydayslove · 10/05/2018 07:43

I suppose it depends on the particular circumstances and the nursery policy doesn’t it?

SecretIsland · 10/05/2018 07:44

He's protecting himself. It's sad but necessary imo and in his position I'd do the same.

Dh is a sports coach and if one of the (few) girls injures themselves or needs cleaning up in the toilets etc he'll always get one of the mums or the cook or someone female to help. People are nuts and it's not worth the risk of putting himself in a position where anything could be accused.

user1488397844 · 10/05/2018 07:45

Take it up with your management? Male childcare workers still face a lot of prejudices so if he is new he may be unsure in himself and what to do, be thankful as a woman you don't even need to think about this! Maybe try and support and reassure him and offer help if needed, as you would to any new member of staff I'm sure.

Mulberry72 · 10/05/2018 07:45

What rolling said!

SoupDragon · 10/05/2018 07:45

I think he was probably wise. There are always thread on here with mothers up in arms that a man is changing their daughter.

steff13 · 10/05/2018 07:46

I've seen a lot on here about parents being pissed of at male nursery staff for doing anything.

I agree. I don't think he should be shirking his responsibilities, but I also get why he's cautious.

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 10/05/2018 07:47

YABU.

Every individual should have a right to safeguard themselves from accusations of inappropriate behaviour. Look at this old thread for an example of one parent's issue. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1233458-To-be-furious-that-a-male-nursery-worker-took-DD-to-the-toilet-today

You don't know, maybe he has had to deal with stupid ass allegations in previous workplaces, or even been told he can't do that.

In addition - I surprised that children's underwear is being changed in an open plan area. Are there other children and potentially parents there?

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 10/05/2018 07:48

Have you ever actually looking on MN op? The amount of users that would be angry with a male worker even in the nursery never mind changing their child, is scary.

I’ve worked in childcare for 15 years and have met some amazing male nanny’s and nursery workers in that time but fucking hell, the shit they have to put up with, the nasty comments, the accusations. It’s absolutely fucking bollocks.

I’ve sadly known 4 male nursery workers who have left the profession (a profession they are absolutely incredible in) due to completely unfounded accusations by parents who are pissed off a man is looking after their child.

I think it’s extremely sad you’re pissed off at him rather then realising all he is doing is safeguarding himself from idiot parents.

maras2 · 10/05/2018 07:48

You were cooking an endangered species Shock
Sorry.Couldn't resist. Smile

Original poster
insancerre · 10/05/2018 07:48

I am agreeing with all your replies but I'm still annoyed

Thing is if there were 2 male workers and no females who would deal with the intimate care?

OP posts:
Original poster
insancerre · 10/05/2018 07:51

Yes, thats why they are endangered mara

OP posts:
MrsKCastle · 10/05/2018 07:51

Speak to your manager. They should have made it clear when employing him that he would need to be involved in intimate care.

Original poster
insancerre · 10/05/2018 07:54

I agree mrsk

If he had made it clear it was about safeguarding then I would have sympathy but it was his insistence he couldn't do it because she was a girl and he was a man that annoyed me
I am I suppose more annoyed at the manager who obviously didn't cover this issue at interview or induction

OP posts:
confusedlittleone · 10/05/2018 07:58

And if he had of done and the parents complained I can guarantee he'd have been hung out to dry.

sashh · 10/05/2018 07:59

but it was his insistence he couldn't do it because she was a girl and he was a man that annoyed me

So he is OK taking a boy to the toilet If that is the case then he should toilet all the boys and the female staff the girls.

There are ways to safeguard by other means. I walk with a stick and need to use a lift not stairs when I work. As I work in schools I never get int he lift with a single child, child and lift buddy - fine, child and another member of staff also fine, me and a child alone - not fine.

Same could apply here, if he is changing a girl manager needs to be in the room.

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 10/05/2018 08:00

If he had made it clear it was about safeguarding then I would have sympathy but it was his insistence he couldn't do it because she was a girl and he was a man that annoyed me

So he said it was about safeguarding, but because he didn't use the technical term, you are annoyed? Hmm

Kitsandkids · 10/05/2018 08:01

If he's new he might have had an issue with parents over changing knickrrs etc in his old place. Or, he might not have been allowed to there. If the child was in knickers she was probably old enough to talk. If she went home and said 'a man pulled my knickers down' how do you think the parents would have reacted? A lot would come in up in arms and he was protecting himself from the accusations. It's sad he feels he has to, but I can understand his point of view.

A nursery I once worked in had a great male nursery nurse. Parents and kids loved him. But as soon as he left after falling out with the manager the first thing some of them asked was 'has he gone because he was doing something to the children?!'

pigmcpigface · 10/05/2018 08:01

Different people bring different things to a job. Just because he can't do this part of it doesn't make him a useless colleague. You just need to distribute tasks so that you're both playing to your strengths.

UmmKultum · 10/05/2018 08:03

How bizarre.
My dd had a male caregiver at her nursery. It never occurred to me there might be issue with him changing her nappy.

Believeitornot · 10/05/2018 08:07

OP at least have some sympathy with the poor man for goodness sake. I completely see why he did it.

dentydown · 10/05/2018 08:10

My son chose child studies as an option for gcse. I thought good for him because we don’t have many nursery practitioners who are male. I did have a thought about this kind of bullshit as well. And perhaps he should of been encouraged to do drama instead.
I hope if he makes a career out of it (he might change his mind after doing several practicals at the nursery though) attitudes will have changed. He will be able to take a girl to the toilet with minimal fuss or change an 18month olds nappy with out any controversy.

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 10/05/2018 08:13

It's totally understandable, there are so many accusations thrown around about men in childcare settings, even on this forum that it easy to see why he didn't feel comfortable with it.

The80sweregreat · 10/05/2018 08:17

He is protecting himself and a nursery would have female employees who could do help out and do this one job. i dont blame him for being cautious to be honest.