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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really seriously missed off with male nursery worker

110 replies

insancerre · 10/05/2018 07:40

New male colleague refused to change a child's knickers as she is a girl and he is a male

After all these years of sticking up for men in early years and defending them against parents and their prejudices, it feels like I've stepped back in time

I was cooking ounces and had to stop what I was doing and do it because I'm a woman.
Environmental health would have a field day if they saw that

And I'm bloody annoyed with the manager who let him get away with it
AIBU to be pissed off?

Before any one asks, yes he has a DBS and safeguarding training and our nursery is open plan so he would have been in view of other staff members

OP posts:
nursy1 · 10/05/2018 08:17

I think yabu to be pissed off about it. He is unfortunately just being careful with his job because there are some crazy parents out there.
I cite my friends neighbors. All the kids playing out a couple of years ago. 10 year old boy took their 4 year old behind a bush for a pee as she didn’t want to go in ( he has lots younger siblings and thought nothing of it). Next thing the parents were round at his house shouting and threatening to call the police. Poor kid was really shaken - there was absolutely nothing in it but this is why the nursery worker was being careful.

crunchymint · 10/05/2018 08:21

I totally agree OP. If you are employed to do a job, you do all of it. I used to work with children and the men did the same job as the women.

Helpthem2018 · 10/05/2018 08:22

Do you let your DH take her to the toilet? Has he ever changed her nappy? Most abuse starts at home

Helpthem2018 · 10/05/2018 08:24

Shit wrong thread sorry!!!!

diddl · 10/05/2018 08:26

Isn't the problem more that the mananger made you stop what you were doing?

Why didn't the manager change the girl?

Collaborate · 10/05/2018 08:27

OP - I think you ought to reserve your ire for those who would think it inappropriate that he changes a girls underwear. Undoubtedly (from seeing MN threads about it) there is a large and vocal minority who would complain and make unjustified allegations were he to have done that. Whilst people who hold that view are utterly wrong, and are objectionable bigots, I don't think you ought to blame him. He is the victim here. He feels he'll be criticised for doing his job just because of his gender.

Blaablaablaa · 10/05/2018 08:28

I get why you're pissed off and I completely agree but I don't think you'll get much sympathy on here unfortunately.
Most MN users would be pissed off with the nursery for even employing a man.

ghostyslovesheets · 10/05/2018 08:32

I'd be more concerned with staff ratios if there are only 2 of you and one of you is also the cook!

not sure what environmental health would do - I'm sure you washed your hands - but where were the other staff?

also agree with all those saying that he has to protect himself

cjt110 · 10/05/2018 08:45

Surely, a male staff member, knows he would have to be involved in personal care of female charges. Or am I missing something here? Confused

Why train and pursue a career that involves personal care of little girls when you will refuse to be involved in the personal care? I assume he also won't play with them, pick them up.... The mind boggles...

cjt110 · 10/05/2018 08:47

We'd all be fucked if the female staff members refused to do personal care of little boys.... Honestly.

usernotfound0000 · 10/05/2018 08:58

I really don't understand why people are up in arms about male childcare workers. DD has had at least one male working in each room that she has progressed through, it has never occurred to me that they shouldn't be able to change her nappy.

Mammyloveswine · 10/05/2018 09:01

If the child is old enough to be in knickers then surely they'd be changing themselves with just support from him anyway? If its open plan he'd be supervised too? So he's being ridiculous!

However, on a h&s note... why are there open plan toilets next to a kitchen??

VivaKondo · 10/05/2018 09:09

I’m at loss as to how you can do your job as a nursery worker AND refuse to change a little girl.

And YY this man needs to protect himself. That’s why you have safeguarding procedures (eg not being alone). It doesn’t mean that he can NEVER do that though.
It’s also something that should have been thought about and discussed in his interview, as well as procedures being put in place.
For me, he is being over the top (the place is open plan so he wasn’t alone). And the nursery management is failing him and any other staff member (by not having clear procedures).

Wisdens · 10/05/2018 09:09

We'd all be fucked if the female staff members refused to do personal care of little boys....

But women aren’t starting from a position where they are suspect purely because of their sex.

VivaKondo · 10/05/2018 09:12

We'd all be fucked if the female staff members refused to do personal care of little boys.... Honestly.

YY to that.

Also you can’t be at the same time, react as if all men are rapists/paedophiles so can’t be left with children and then also expect men to step up and actually parent, be involve etc....
If you expect your DH to get up and change nappies/knickers, give your dd a bath etc... then surely you should also be happy to have a male nursery worker to do the same??

RB68 · 10/05/2018 09:14

What about all the female workers changing little boys though

Stirner · 10/05/2018 09:22

The fact that you also work in a child care setting makes you massively unreasonable. You should be aware of the safe guarding concerns your male colleague was trying to avoid. He was perfectly sensible, protecting himself and his young charges.

halcyondays · 10/05/2018 09:24

Surely personal care is an essential part of the job.

SoupDragon · 10/05/2018 09:25

Surely, a male staff member, knows he would have to be involved in personal care of female charges. Or am I missing something here?

Yes. You are missing the fact that no parent has ever complained about a female being in charge of their child’s personal care purely because of their sex.

blueshoes · 10/05/2018 09:25

If you expect your DH to get up and change nappies/knickers, give your dd a bath etc... then surely you should also be happy to have a male nursery worker to do the same??

It is not the same. A male nursery worker is a male stranger who I do not watch in action close up over a long period of time to be able to form a view.

Raven88 · 10/05/2018 09:25

In support work males around to do any personal care on females. Would it not make sense to have the male worker in the kitchen?

Raven88 · 10/05/2018 09:26

Aren't allowed*

4GreenApples · 10/05/2018 09:27

I understand all the comments about how he’s protecting himself etc...

But. He’s chosen to work in a nursery caring for small children. Changing nappies, taking potty training children to the toilet, and changing children after toileting accidents is an integral part of that job. A nursery can’t care for small children properly if it won’t deal with that.

The nursery should of course have safeguarding policies in place - like the open plan changing area so staff can be seen changing nappies etc, or making sure staff don’t change nappies alone (the nursery we used also had open plan changing areas).

But I do think that if he won’t change a girl’s knickers purely because she’s a girl, then he’s in the wrong job. He must have known that this was a requirement of the job before he started working in nurseries.

blueshoes · 10/05/2018 09:28

I don't have an issue with male nursery care workers per se, but in this situation, the nursery should be sensitive to parents' concerns, unwarranted or otherwise. If I was a male worker, I would be careful to protect myself as well.

I can understand your annoyance. It is one area which needs to be considered when hiring a male worker in a nursery care setting.

Wisdens · 10/05/2018 09:31

But I do think that if he won’t change a girl’s knickers purely because she’s a girl, then he’s in the wrong job. He must have known that this was a requirement of the job before he started working in nurseries.

Prison and police officers dont do strip searches on people of the opposite sex. Searches are intricate part of the job. Healthcare workers have similar safeguards. Are they all in the wrong jobs?

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